Ukubheka Okwenza Ubudlelwano Buguquke Ngemuva Kokuthola Umntwana

-Delile

• Ingane entsha, wena omusha, konke okusha
• “Uma ningenzi lutho, ubudlelwano buzoba buthakathaka - nizoba ngabazali bobabili nixabane ngemisebenzi. Kufanele ubeke umsebenzi ebudlelwaneni ukuze buhlale bunjalo, futhi usebenze ngokuzikhandla ukuwuthuthukisa. ”
• 1. Ukuxhumana kuba okwenzekayo
• 2. Uphuthelwa isimo sokuzenzakalela se- ezindala (futhi kulungile)
• 3. I-baby blues ingokoqobo - futhi yenza konke kube nzima
• 4. Ucansi - yiluphi ucansi?
• 5. Ukuhlukaniswa kwesibophoakulula
• 6. Ukuntuleka kwe- Isikhathi ‘sami’
• 7. Izitayela ezahlukene zokuba ngumzali kungangeza ukucindezeleka okwengeziwe
• 8. Kepha he, unamandla ngakho

Kodwa akukubi konke. Nazi izindlela ezenzelwe-lapho-abazali abadlule kuzo ngezinto ezinzima.

“Ngaphambi kokuba mina nomyeni wami uTom sibe nomntwana, asizange silwe ngokweqiniso. Sibe sesinengane, futhi silwa ngaso sonke isikhathi, ”kusho uJancee Dunn, umama nomlobi, owaqhubeka wabhala incwadi enesihloko esithi“ How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. ” Uma ngabe enye ingxenye yendaba kaDunn izwakala ijwayelekile - ukulwa noma ukuzonda - awuwedwa.

Ingane entsha, wena omusha, konke okusha

Ukuba ngumzali kungakwenza ngempela shintsha ubuhlobo. Ngemuva kwakho konke, unengcindezi, ubuthongo abukho, futhi umane nje ngeke usakwazi ukubeka ubuhlobo bakho kuqala - okungenani hhayi ngenkathi usanda kuthola usana olungenakuzisiza okufanele ulunakekele.

"Siyazi kusuka ocwaningweni ukuthi ubudlelwano obunganakwa buzoba bubi kakhulu," kusho uTracy K. Ross, uLCSW, umbhangqwana nodokotela wezemindeni eRedesigning Relationships eNew York City. Uyanezela:

“Uma ningenzi lutho, ubudlelwano buzoba buthakathaka - nizoba ngabazali bobabili nixabane ngemisebenzi. Kufanele ubeke umsebenzi ebudlelwaneni ukuze buhlale bunjalo, futhi usebenze ngokuzikhandla ukuwuthuthukisa. ”

Lokho kuzwakala njengokuningi, ikakhulukazi uma usuvele ubhekene noshintsho olungaka. Kepha kuyasiza ukwazi ukuthi izindlela eziningi ubudlelwano bakho obushintsha ngazo zijwayelekile impela nokuthi kunezinto ongazenza ukuzisebenzisa.

Lezi ngezinye zezindlela ezejwayelekile ubudlelwano bothando obushintsha ngemuva kokuba imibhangqwana ibe ngabazali.

1. Ukuxhumana kuba okwenzekayo

“Mina nomyeni wami kwakudingeka sishintshane ngokulala, ngakho… sasingakhulumisani nhlobo,” kusho uJaclyn Langenkamp, ​​umama waseHillard, e-Ohio, owenza ama-blog ku-One Blessed Mom. “Lapho thina zazikhona bekhuluma bodwa, kwakungukuthi, ‘Hambani niyongithathela ibhodlela’ noma ‘Isikhathi sakho sokumbamba lapho ngisageza.’ Izingxoxo zethu zazifana nezimfuno, futhi sobabili sasicasukile. ”

Lapho unakekela umntwana osanda kuzalwa ofuna ngenkani, umane ungabi nesikhathi namandla okwenza zonke izinto ezigcina ubuhlobo buqinile.

"Ubudlelwano bukhula kahle ngesikhathi esichithwa ndawonye, ​​kugcina lowo muntu engqondweni yakho bese uxhuma futhi ubalalela," kusho uRoss. “Kumele ukubeke eqhulwini - hhayi amasonto ayisithupha okuqala empilo yengane - kodwa ngemuva kwalokho kufanele wenze isikhathi nomlingani wakho, noma ngabe yisikhathi esincane sokubheka omunye nomunye hhayi ukukhuluma ngengane. ”

Lokhu kungasho ukuhlela okuthile, njengokuthola umuntu ohleli, ukuba nelungu lomndeni elizogada ingane, noma ukuhlela ukuchitha isikhathi esithile ndawonye ngemuva kokuthi ingane iye phansi ebusuku - uma nje belele esimisweni esingaqagelwa, okungukuthi.

Le ndlela ishiwo kalula kunokwenza, kepha ngisho nokuhamba ibanga elifushane ndawonye noma ukuba nezidlo ndawonye kungahamba ibanga elide ekusizeni wena nomlingani wakho nixhumane futhi nixhumane.

2. Uphuthelwa isimo sokuzenzakalela se- ezindala (futhi kulungile)

Ukudala lokho kuxhumeka kuzobukeka kuhluke kakhulu ngemuva kokuthola ingane. Cishe ujwayele ukuhamba ubusuku nobusuku ukuzama le ndawo yokudlela entsha noma uchithe izintaba ngempelasonto futhi ukanise ndawonye.

Kepha manje, umqondo wokuzenzakalela ovame ukugcina ubudlelwano bujabulisa awusekho ewindini. Futhi nje ukulungiselela ukuvakasha kudinga ukuhlelelwa kokulungiselela kanye ne-prepping (amabhodlela, izikhwama zamanabukeni, abagada izingane, nokunye okuningi).

"Ngicabanga ukuthi kulungile ukuba nesikhathi sokulila lapho uvalelisa khona ngempilo yakho endala, yokuhamba ngezinyawo," kusho uDunn. “Futhi uhlele amasu okucabanga ngezindlela zokuxhuma, ngisho nangendlela encane, empilweni yakho yakudala. Mina nomyeni wami sithatha imizuzu eyi-15 nsuku zonke ukukhuluma ngayo noma yini ngaphandle kwengane yethu kanye nokudla okufana neqiniso lokuthi sidinga amathawula wephepha amaningi. Sizama ukwenza izinto ezintsha sisonke - akudingeki ukuthi ube skydiving, kungaba ukuzama indawo yokudlela entsha. Ukuzama izinto ezintsha kukhumbula impilo yethu yangaphambi kwengane. ”

Futhi kulungile ukushintsha indlela ocabanga ngayo ukuchitha isikhathi ndawonye futhi nibe uhlobo lwabantu abahlelela phambili kakhulu. Heck, hlelani isikhathi sinye ekhalendeni ukuze ninamathele kuso.

“Yiba necebo, kodwa ube nohlelo olungokoqobo,” kusho uRoss. "Zikhumbuze ukuthi nibadala abantu ababili abachitha isikhathi ndawonye ngoba nithanda ukuchitha isikhathi ndawonye."

ULangenkamp uthi yena nomyeni wakhe nabo, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, bathole ukuthi bangenza kanjani isikhathi sezithandani sisebenze nengane.

"Ngenkathi isikhathi sethu sekhwalithi ndawonye singase singafani nasesikhathini esingaphambi kokuba ingane yethu ibe sesithombeni, sizama ukuba nenhloso yokwenza isikhathi sayo," kusho uLangenkamp. “Esikhundleni sokubaleka ngempelasonto, sinempelasonto‘ engenayo imisebenzi ’. Esikhundleni sokuya esidlweni sakusihlwa nakwibhayisikobho, si-oda ukudla kwakusihlwa, bese sibuka i-movie yeNetflix. Asiyeki imisebenzi yethu yokuba ngumzali, kodwa okungenani siyayijabulela - noma kwesinye isikhathi siyazifeza - ndawonye. ”

3. I-baby blues ingokoqobo - futhi yenza konke kube nzima

Futhi ngicela sikhulume ngemizwa yangemva kokubeletha? Ngisho noma ungenakho ukucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha noma ukukhathazeka, kungenzeka uzizwe uguquguquka kwemizwelo - amaphesenti angama-80 omama bokukhulelwa abahlangabezana ne-baby blues. Masingakhohlwa ngobaba abangathola ukucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha nabo.

“Ngifisa sengathi ngabe othile ubengidonsela eceleni wathi kimi, 'Lalela, kuzoba nzima kakhulu kuwe ukuthi uhambe,'” kusho u-Amna Husain, MD, FAAP, ongumama wengane encane nomsunguli wePure Direct Izifo zezingane.

"Wonke umuntu ulungiselela ukungalali ebusuku kepha akekho noyedwa othi," O, umzimba wakho uzozizwa unzima ngempela isikhashana. ’Kuzoba nzima ukuya endlini yangasese. Kuzoba nzima ukuvuka. Kuzoba nzima ukugqoka ibhulukwe. ”

Ngakho-ke phakathi kwezinguquko zamahomoni, ukuncishwa ubuthongo, kanye nengcindezi eza nengane esanda kuzalwa, akumangalisi ukuthi ungazithola usuthatheka kumlingani wakho bese ubeka phansi ohlwini lwakho olubalulekile.

Yazi ukuthi lezi zimpawu kufanele zibe zesikhashana - uma zingabonakali zithuthuka, khuluma nodokotela wakho khona manjalo. Okwamanje, yenza okusemandleni ukuzama ukuxhumana ngomusa nomlingani wakho.

4. Ucansi - yiluphi ucansi?

Uma kukhulunywa ngocansi, unakho konke esikhulume ngakho kuze kube manje kusebenza ngokumelene nawe. Awunaso isikhathi, umzimba wakho ungcolile futhi uyacasula nomlingani wakho.

Futhi, ukumbozwa ngamathe nokushintsha amanabukeni angcolile ayi-12 ngosuku akukufaki esimeni sengqondo. Uma uncelisa, ungathola ukoma kwesitho sangasese sowesifazane okusho ukuthi isifiso sakho mhlawumbe siyingcosana. Kepha ucansi kungaba yindlela enhle yokuxhuma kabusha futhi uchithe isikhathi esincane nomlingani wakho.

Khumbula: Uma kuziwa ocansini kulungile ukuthatha kancane. Ukuthi udokotela ukunikeze ilambu eliluhlaza akusho ukuthi kufanele usheshe ungene.

"Enye indlela yokuthi imibhangqwana iqinisekise ukuthi ukungabi bikho kocansi akuhlali unomphela ukwenza ngamabomu ubuhlobo bezothando buhambe phambili," kusho uLana Banegas, i-LMFT, ingcweti yomshado neyomndeni esebenza eThe Marriage Point eMarietta, eGeorgia.

Le ngenye indawo lapho wonke umsebenzi owenzayo wokuxhumana nomunye futhi uchitha isikhathi ndawonye kubalulekile.

UFran Walfish, PsyD, umndeni kanye nodokotela wezifo zengqondo kanye nomlobi we- “The Self-Aware Parent,” uxwayisa ngokuthi “ukwehla kobulili, ukudlala ngocansi, kanye nokuya ocansini ngokuvamile kuyisibonakaliso sokungakhulumisani kahle kanye noqhekeko olungaqhubeka kancane phakathi kwalowo mbhangqwana.”

Ukubuyela emgqeni ekamelweni lokulala, ukhuthaza imibhangqwana ukuthi yenze isikhathi sokuya ocansini futhi ithole izindlela zokwenza lapho ingane yabo isekhaya, njengesikhathi sokuphumula.

Futhi nakanjani utshale ku-lube ethile.

5. Ukuhlukaniswa kwesibophoakulula

Kunoma yibuphi ubudlelwano, omunye umuntu angazizwa ecindezelwa kakhulu ukuba athathe izibopho eziningi zokukhulisa izingane kunomunye. Lokho kungashiya lowo muntu ezonda omunye.

Ngesikhathi ecwaninga incwadi yakhe, uDunn wathola ukuthi “omama abaningi bayacasuka lapho abayeni babo bebubula lapho ingane ikhala ebusuku.” Kepha ucwaningo lokulala lubonisa ukuthi lokhu kuyisimo sokuziphendukela kwemvelo.

Ku-National Institutes of Health, "Ukuhlolwa kobuchopho kukhombisile ukuthi, kwabesifazane, amaphethini womsebenzi wobuchopho ashintshele ngokungazelelwe emodini yokulalelisisa lapho ezwa ukukhala kwezinsana, kanti ubuchopho besilisa buhlala endaweni yokuphumula. "

Lokhu kunengqondo kakhulu.

Ngakho-ke ngenkathi omunye umlingani kungenzeka angabi khona ngiyazama ukushiya umsebenzi othile komunye umuntu - njengokuvuka nengane phakathi kwamabili - kungenzeka. Yilapho kucace khona futhi unomusa ukuxhumana kubalulekile. Ukuba nezingxoxo zokuhlala phansi ukunquma ukuthi uzosingatha kanjani imisebenzi yokuba ngumzali kungasiza kakhulu futhi kuvimbele izingxabano.

Ukushaya umlingani wakho ngomcamelo ukuze uvuke phakathi kobusuku, ngenkathi ulinga, akuphumeleli.

"Ngicabanga ukuthi kubalulekile ukuyikhipha," kusho uHusain. "Ngicabanga ukuthi singaba necala lokucabanga ukuthi omunye umuntu uzofunda ingqondo yethu." Yiba nohlelo kodwa futhi uguquguquke, ngoba akuzona zonke izimo ezingaqageka, usho kanjalo.

Isibonelo, uHusain uthi ingane yakhe yazalwa ngesikhathi eqeda ukuhlala kwakhe, okusho ukuthi wayevame ukubizwa njengodokotela. Uthi: "Umyeni wami wayelala eduze kombhede wengane lapho ngifona." “Ngaleyo ndlela wayezovuka kuqala amnakekele.”

UHusain uthi wayehlala ezizwa eboshelwe esihlalweni lapho encelisa, ikakhulukazi lapho ingane yakhe ikhula ngokushesha futhi iba ngumhlengikazi kaningi. Ngalezo zikhathi, kwakubalulekile kuye ukuthi umyeni wakhe athathe imisebenzi angakwazi ukuyenza.

Ubuye aphakamise ukuthi omama abasebenza abapompa bacela ophathina babo ukuthi banakekele ukugeza izingxenye zepompo, ngoba ukuzishaya kukodwa kungacindezela futhi kuthathe isikhathi kusuka osukwini lwakhe olumatasa - lowo ngumsebenzi ohlobene nalowo umlingani angawuthatha ukunciphisa umthwalo wakhe.

“Kubalulekile ukunakekelana, ukuzama ukuba ngabangcono kakhulu komunye nomunye. Kubheke kanjalo, ”kusho uRoss. “Awuhlukanisi nje imisebenzi yasekhaya. Kubheke njengokuthi, ‘Sikulokhu sindawonye.’ ”

6. Ukuntuleka kwe- Isikhathi ‘sami’

Isikhathi sakho ndawonye asishintshi kuphela uma usunezingane, nesikhathi sakho wedwa sijwayele futhi. Eqinisweni, ungahle ungabi nayo noma yini.

Kodwa uRoss uthi kubalulekile ukubuzana ngesikhathi enisidinga ukuzinakekela ngaso kanye nokusizana ekunikezaneni.

"Kulungile ukufuna isikhathi sakho wedwa, sokuya ejimini noma ukubona abangane noma nje ukuyolungisa izinzipho zakho," kusho uRoss. "Abazali abasha kufanele bangeze isigaba engxoxweni: 'Sizozinakekela kanjani? Sizozinakekela kanjani ngamunye wethu? ’”

Lokho kuhlaba ikhefu nesikhathi sokuzizwa ufana nowakho wangaphambi kokuzalwa kwengane kungasiza kakhulu ekwenzeni abalingani abahle nabazali abahle.

7. Izitayela ezahlukene zokuba ngumzali kungangeza ukucindezeleka okwengeziwe

Ungathola ukuthi wena nomzali wakho ongumlingani ngokwehlukile futhi lokho kulungile, kusho uRoss. Ungakhuluma nganoma yikuphi ukungaboni ngaso linye okukhulu futhi uthathe izinqumo ngokuthi nizosebenzisana kanjani njengeqembu, noma ngabe ukuthola ukuvumelana odabeni oluthile, ukuhamba ngendlela yomzali oyedwa, noma ngokuvuma ngenhlonipho ukungavumelani.

Uma umehluko into encane, ungahle uthande ukuwuyeka uhambe.

"Kunesimo esijwayelekile lapho abesifazane befuna ukuthi abalingani babo benze okungaphezulu kepha kube yi-micromanage futhi bangabaniki isikhala sokwenza lokho," kusho uRoss. “Uma nifuna ukubambisana, dedelani omunye nomunye enze izinto futhi ningabambisani.

Mhlawumbe kunezinto ezithile ongeke ume ukwenze ngandlela thile bese ukhuluma ngazo kepha ugxile ekuyekeni izinto ozithandayo can ame. Uma omunye umzali evuliwe, yisikhathi sabo sokuba ngumzali. ”

8. Kepha he, unamandla ngakho

Naphezu kwakho konke ukushaya kanzima ubudlelwano obungabuthatha ngemuva kokuba nengane, abantu abaningi babika ukuthi isibopho sabo siyaqina futhi sijule. Ngemuva kwakho konke, awuyena nje umbhangqwana, uyi- umndeni manje, futhi uma ukwazi ukubhekana nezinto ezinzima, uzobe wakha isisekelo esiqinile sokukusiza ubhekane nezikhathi ezinzima nezimbi zobuzali.

"Lapho nje sesiqalise izinhlelo ezintsha - ezazihlanganisa nomhlangano wokungena masonto onke oyisicefe kodwa odingekayo - ubudlelwano bethu bakhula baba namandla kakhulu," kusho uDunn.

“Simunye othandweni lwethu ngendodakazi yethu, okusengeza isici esisha ebudlelwaneni bethu. Futhi saba ngcono ekuphatheni isikhathi futhi sahlela ngonya izinto ezazisiqeda amandla. Kunesizathu sokuthi kungani abantu bethi ukuba nezingane kwakuyinto enhle kunazo zonke abake bazenza! ”

U-Elena Donovan Mauer ungumbhali nomhleli ogxile ezihlokweni ahlala futhi azithandayo: ukuba ngumzali, indlela yokuphila, impilo nokuphila kahle. Ngaphezu kweHealthline, umsebenzi wakhe uvele kubazali, Parenting, The Bump, CafeMom, Real Simple, Self, Care.com nokuningi. U-Elena ubuye abe ngumama webhola likanobhutshuzwayo, uprofesa ozimele, nomthandi we-taco, ongatholwa ezitolo zasendulo futhi ecula ekhishini lakhe. Uhlala eHudson Valley yaseNew York nomyeni wakhe namadodana akhe amabili.