Kungani Ucansi Kancane Nomlingani Wakho - nokuthi Ungabuyela Kanjani Kuyo

-Delile

• Ingabe ubambisene ngaphandle kocansi?
• Kodwa yini ebhekwa njengobulili "obuncane"?
• Okokuqala, thola ukuthi ngabe umshado ongena ocansini uyakukhathaza yini
• Kepha uma omunye wenu ezwa ubuhlungu ngokungazitholi izidingo zakho zocansi, lokhu-ke kuwuphawu lokuthi isivumelwano sobudlelwano asisebenzi futhi sidinga ukuguqulwa.
• Okwesibili, bheka emuva bese ubona ukuthi iqale nini
• Ukushintsha okukhulu kwesimo sengqondo
• Izici zokuphila ezijulile noma izimo
• Ezinye izimbangela ezivamile
• Ngemuva kwalokho, thola indlela yakho yokuzulazula noma yokwakha kabusha umshado ongenabulili
• Khuluma ngakho nomlingani wakho
• Zama imisebenzi ukusiza ukubusa kabusha kwezothando
• Ukubambisana ngaphandle kocansi akuyona into engavamile njengoba ucabanga
• Ngabe ucansi lubalulekile emshadweni onempilo ngaphandle kwesehlukaniso?

Ingabe ubambisene ngaphandle kocansi?

Ungahle ucabange, “Yini ethathwa njengomshado ongenacansi? Ingabe ngikhona noma othile engimaziyo koyedwa? ” Futhi kunencazelo ejwayelekile. Kepha noma ngabe kuyasebenza esimweni sakho kungahluka.

Uma sibheka izincazelo eziqine kunawo wonke, umshado ongenalo ucansi (ngokusho kwe- "The Social Organisation of Sexuality") kulapho imibhangqwana ingazibandakanyi kwezocansi noma iba nokuhlangana okuncane kwezocansi.

Kodwa yini ebhekwa njengobulili "obuncane"?

UDkt.Rachel Becker-Warner, ubudlelwano kanye nodokotela wezocansi ovela ku-Programme in Human Sexuality eNyuvesi yaseMinnesota, ukubuchaza ngokuthi “noma yikuphi ukubambisana lapho ukusondelana ngokocansi kwenzeka khona izikhathi eziyishumi noma ngaphansi esikhathini esingangonyaka.”

Kodwa-ke, uveza nokuthi "ubunzima ngaleyo ncazelo kungukubhekiswa 'kocansi' kanye nokubekwa kokhonkolo kumvamisa."

Uthola isinqumo sokuthi uyafaneleka yini encazelweni yomphakathi yobudlelwano obungenabulili noma cha. Ukungabi nocansi akufanele kube ukulahlekelwa ukusondelana.

"Ngicabanga ukuthi ukusebenzisana ngaphandle kocansi kuchazwa kangcono njengokugwema ukuqaphela noma ukungazi ukuthintana kokuthintana ngokomzimba phakathi kwabalingani," kusho uDkt. Becker-Warner.

Ngakho-ke, uma wenza ucansi oluncane kunokuba ucabanga ukuthi "kufanele ube" futhi ukahle ngalo, akukho okumele ukhathazeke ngakho.

Kepha uma imvamisa yocansi ikhathazeka ebudlelwaneni bakho noma kubambiswano, ungethuki. Kukhona izixazululo.

Okokuqala, thola ukuthi ngabe umshado ongena ocansini uyakukhathaza yini

Okubalulekile kuwe nakumlingani wakho, ngaphandle kokuthola ukuthi nihlangabezana nobuningi obuthile, ukuchaza ukuthi kusho ukuthini ucansi komunye nomunye. Yeka ukuthembela ezindabeni ze-inthanethi noma kwezinye izipiliyoni zabashadikazi ukuze ikhiphe lokho "okujwayelekile"

Akekho umuntu, ngaphandle kwalabo abasebudlelwaneni, okufanele anqume ukuthi ngabe ukusebenzisana okungacabangi ngocansi kuphathelene yini. Wonke umuntu wehlukile. Uma wena nomlingani wakho seneliseka ngokuya ocansini njalo ngekota noma kanye ngonyaka, kulungile lokho.

Kepha uma omunye wenu ezwa ubuhlungu ngokungazitholi izidingo zakho zocansi, lokhu-ke kuwuphawu lokuthi isivumelwano sobudlelwano asisebenzi futhi sidinga ukuguqulwa.

Kwesinye isikhathi ukwanda kwemicabango noma ezenzweni kungaba ngumphumela wokuzizwa usondelene kakhulu nomlingani wakho. Isibonelo, uma uqala ukuzizwa unenzondo futhi uphupha ngokuya ocansini nalowo osebenza naye, kungahle kube ngoba awukakaxhumani ngokomzimba nomlingani wakho isikhashana.

UDkt. Becker-Warner ubeka ezinye izinto okufanele uzicabangele:

• Awukwazi ukukhumbula okokugcina wena nomlingani wakho nijabulela ukusondelana ngokocansi.
• Ukusondelana ngokocansi yinto yokugcina ofuna ukuyicabanga, noma inhliziyo yakho ibuhlungu uma ucabanga ngesimo sokusondelana ngokocansi nomlingani wakho.
• Kukhona ukungabaza kanye / noma ukugwema ukuqala ukuthinta ngokomzimba, kungaba ngenxa yokwenqatshwa okungaba khona noma ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi kuzoholela ocansini olungafuneki.
• Ezinye izinhlobo zokusondelana (ukuthinta, izilimi zothando, njll) nazo ziyashoda ebudlelwaneni bakho.
• Uzizwa unqanyuliwe kumlingani wakho.
• Uzwa ukuthi ucansi kuphela uma izitho zangasese (ikakhulukazi ipipi nokungena) kuhilelekile.

Uma lokhu kuveza isimo sakho, ungahle uthande ukubheka emuva ukuthi siqale nini futhi ngani. Kubalulekile ukuthi abalingani bachaze ukuthi kusho ukuthini ucansi kubo ngaphambi kokubhekana nombono wabo noma inkinga. Lokhu kubalulekile ukuqinisekisa ukuthi wena nomlingani wakho nisekhasini elilodwa lapho nixoxa ngezinkinga ezibucayi nezomuntu siqu.

Okwesibili, bheka emuva bese ubona ukuthi iqale nini

Lesi simo kungenzeka ukuthi sasisekuqaleni kobudlelwano bakho, noma kungenzeka ukuthi siqale ngemuva komcimbi obalulekile wokuphila. Kungaba ngumphumela wezinguquko zehomoni. Mhlawumbe yathuthuka ngemuva kokulahlekelwa inzalo ngemuva kokujabulela ucansi nomlingani wakho. Noma mhlawumbe wena nomlingani wakho anisavumelani, nifisa ukwenza ucansi ngezikhathi ezahlukahlukene, futhi ngaleyo ndlela nikugweme ngokuphelele.

Ukushintsha okukhulu kwesimo sengqondo

Kungokwemvelo ukuthi ucansi lwezithandani lwehle futhi lugeleze, kepha imibhangqwana ebika izikhathi ezingagculisi zocansi, kujwayele ukuba nephethini uDkt Tameca Harris-Jackson, owelapha imibhangqwana kanye nothisha wezocansi oqinisekiswe yi-AASECT, athi uyenza engqondweni- ukuxhumana komzimba.

Isibonelo, izinkathi ezingenabulili zivame ukuvela ngemuva:

• ukubhekana nokugula
• uhlangabezana nezinguquko ezinkulu zomzimba
• ukuba nengxabano engasonjululwanga
• amazinga aphezulu okucindezeleka
• ngizizwa ngikhathazekile njalo

"Empeleni, uma ukhathazeka kakhulu, lokho kuzoba nomthelela omkhulu emzimbeni wakho, futhi lapho wena noma umlingani wakho nizizwa nivukile noma nivuleke ngokwanele ukuthi nifise ukuya ocansini," usho kanje. "Uma ubhekene nokunqamuka kokuya esikhathini noma ulindele, lokho kungathinta namandla noma isifiso sakho sokuya ocansini."

Izici zokuphila ezijulile noma izimo

UDkt. Becker-Warner uthi ukungabi nocansi kubangelwa izici eziningana zempilo, kufaka phakathi:

• izinkathi zosizi
• ukulungiswa kwempilo
• ukucindezeleka
• izici zesikhathi
• ukuguga
• ukukhaphela (ngenxa yezindaba, izinselelo zobudlelwano, noma ezezimali)
• Ukucwaswa ngokocansi ngaphakathi
• imizabalazo yezokuxhumana
• izingqinamba ezingaphathwa zempilo yengqondo (ukudangala, ukukhathazeka ngokocansi, ukuhlukumezeka)
• ukukhubazeka okutholakele

Emsebenzini kaDkt. Becker-Warner, ukuntuleka kocansi kungaba inselele lapho omunye wabalingani ethinteka kabi futhi elangazelela okuhlukile. Ubuye futhi abone ukuthi, "ukusebenzisana isikhathi eside kudlula ekuzithuthukiseni kwabo, futhi ingxenye ebalulekile yalokhu kuthuthukiswa kuya ekulahlekelweni, kufaka phakathi into entsha ezungeze ukusondelana ngokocansi."

Ezinye izimbangela ezivamile

Ezinye izinto eziningi zingaholela emshadweni noma ebudlelwaneni obungenocansi. Kubandakanya:

• izimpawu ezihlobene nokunqamuka kwesikhathi noma ukuya esikhathini
• ukukhulelwa
• ukukhathala okungapheli
• izimo zempilo ezingamahlalakhona
• imiphumela emibi yemithi
• ukunamathela emibonweni ekhawulelayo kwezocansi
• ukwehluka ngokwamasiko noma ngokwenkolo
• izindaba
• ukuntuleka kwemfundo yezocansi
• ukusetshenziswa kwezidakamizwa
• ukuzijabulisa

Ngemuva kwalokho, thola indlela yakho yokuzulazula noma yokwakha kabusha umshado ongenabulili

Khuluma ngakho nomlingani wakho

Uma ukungabi bikho kocansi nokunciphisa imvamisa ngezocansi kuyakukhathaza, sekuyisikhathi sokukhuluma ngakho nomlingani wakho. Njengoba uDkt. Becker-Warner esho, "Ukuthola usizo lobudlelwano kuqala kuqala ngokuxhumana ukuthi kunenkinga ekhona kanye nesifiso sokuyisebenzisela ndawonye."

Ngaphambi kokuba ukhulume nabo, bhala ukukhathazeka kwakho ngaphambi kwesikhathi bese ukusho ngokuzwakalayo. Qiniseka ukuthi awubeki icala noma amahloni kumlingani wakho.

UDkt.Harris-Jackson ukhumbuza abalingani ukuthi bakhulume ngakho, bangakugwema, futhi bakhulume besendaweni yokunakekelwa nokukhathazeka, ngenkathi beqaphela ukugwema ukusola.

Kulezi zimo, kubalulekile ukuthi abashadile bafune usizo lochwepheshe kumelaphi wezempilo yengqondo ogxile kwezocansi lomuntu.

Uma udinga usizo ngokubhala amagama, funa ukuholwa nguchwepheshe

Umelaphi wezocansi ogxile ebudlelwaneni nasezinkingeni zobulili angakusiza uqonde ukuthi yiziphi izinto eziholele ebudlelwaneni obungenabulili. Bangakusiza ukuthola isu lokuyisa wena nozakwenu endaweni lapho nobabili nizizwa nixhumene futhi.

Umelaphi wezocansi angakusiza futhi ukuthi uzethembe kakhudlwana ekuqondeni izidingo zakho zocansi, futhi akufundise ukuthi ungakhululeka kanjani kakhulu nomlingani wakho ngazo.

Umelaphi angakusiza uphenye ezinye izindlela ezingaholela ekutheni wena nomlingani wakho nibuyele komunye nomunye, ngenkathi nithola indawo eningabhekana ngayo ukuhlangabezana nezidingo zomunye nomunye zomzimba nezocansi.

Zama imisebenzi ukusiza ukubusa kabusha kwezothando

Lapho ukuhoxiswa kobuhlobo buvela ngesikhathi nasekutholakaleni, kwesinye isikhathi impendulo enhle ukwenza isikhathi. Ukuphakamisa usuku noma umsebenzi kungaba yisihluthulelo sokuvuselela ubuhlobo bakho futhi ngokwemvelo uhlukanise izingxoxo eziwusizo komunye nomunye.

Zama ukubuza umlingani wakho ukuthi angathanda yini:

• Zama ikilasi elisha noma i-workshop yosuku olulodwa ndawonye.
• Iya emcimbini wasebusuku emnyuziyamu, dlala, noma ekhonsathini.
• Thatha iholide, ukuhlala, noma ukubuyela emuva ngenhloso yokuphumula.
• Yiba nobulili obuningi - elula futhi eqondile!

Ngaphezu kwakho konke, uma uzizwa ucindezelekile futhi isifiso sokubaleka nomunye umuntu sikugcina ebusuku, ungakhathazeki. Ungazinciphisi izidingo zakho. Gxila ekuqinisekiseni isipiliyoni sakho, bese uthola isikhathi sokuxhumana nomlingani wakho lokho inhliziyo nomzimba wakho okwaziyo ukuthi bakudinga.

Ukubambisana ngaphandle kocansi akuyona into engavamile njengoba ucabanga

Uzothola amazinga okutholakala ahlukene emishadweni engenabulili ngokusekelwe emininingwaneni ethathwe ocwaningweni oludala, njengalesi sifundo sango-1993 esathola ukuthi amaphesenti ayi-16 abantu abashadile e-United States babika ukuthi abayi ocansini ngenyanga eyandulela ucwaningo.

Okusanda kutholakala ukuthi phakathi kwabaneminyaka engu-18 kuya kwengama-89 e-United States, amaphesenti ayi-15.2 abesilisa kanye namaphesenti angama-26.7 abesifazane ababikanga ucansi ngonyaka owedlule, kuyilapho amaphesenti angu-8.7 abesilisa namaphesenti angu-17.5 abesifazane bebika ukungalutholi ucansi iminyaka emihlanu noma ngaphezulu.

Labo abangazange baye ocansini ngonyaka odlule babalule lezi zizathu ezilandelayo zokungayi ocansini: ukuba badala nokungashadi.

NgokukaDkt.Harris-Jackson, “Izibalo zilinganiselwa ukuthi ziphakeme kakhulu uma ubhekelela ubudlelwano obungashadile nobunye obukhonjiwe. Ngezansi, kuvame kakhulu kunokuba abantu bazi. ”

Gwema imishwana efana "negumbi lokulala elifile" noma "umbhede wokufa" uma ukhuluma nabangani bakho noma umelaphi. Imizwa la magama ayiphethe igcwele intukuthelo futhi ingathinta indlela okhuluma ngayo nomlingani wakho lapho ufika ekhaya.

Ngaphandle kocwaningo lwesihloko ukuthi lincane futhi lolo lwedethi, uDkt Becker-Warner uphawula nokuthi “izifundo eziningi ezitholakalayo zigxile kubantu abashadile abathandana nabesilisa abathandanayo kuphela” futhi azimeleli ubudlelwano obuhlukahlukene ngokobulili nobulili.

Ngabe ucansi lubalulekile emshadweni onempilo ngaphandle kwesehlukaniso?

Uma ubheka izibalo zesehlukaniso, ucwaningo lwango-2012 lwathola ukuthi izizathu ezivame kakhulu ukwehlukana (amaphesenti angama-55), izinkinga zokuxhumana (amaphesenti angama-53), kanye nezimali (amaphesenti angama-40). Ukungathembeki noma izindaba nakho kuyimbangela evamile.

Ucwaningo aluxhumanisi ngqo imishado engenabulili nesehlukaniso, kepha kungaba yinto. Akukaze kube njalo kuphela isici.

Kwabanye abalingani, ukusondelana ngokocansi kuyisici esibalulekile esinothisa ukuxhumana kwabo komunye nomunye futhi sinikeze indawo yokubonisa ngokomzimba uthando noma uthando.

Uma imvamisa yocansi yehle yafika ezingeni lokuthi isehlukaniso sisengqondweni yakho, thatha isinyathelo emuva sokubheka ukuthi ngabe usazizwa ukhululekile yini, uyakwethemba futhi uyamthanda yini umlingani wakho. Imvamisa ukungayi ocansini, noma ukwenza ucansi oluncane, kuyisibonakaliso sento enkulu.

Uma wena nomlingani wakho nizamile ukulungisa izingqinamba futhi nizwa ukuthi isehlukaniso siyimpendulo eyiyo, kulungile, futhi. Isehlukaniso akusona isibonakaliso sokwehluleka. Kungaba buhlungu futhi kube yinkimbinkimbi, kepha akukhona ukungabi naluthando. Isehlukaniso yithuba lokuzibeka phambili wena nenjabulo yakho.

Kodwa-ke, uDkt. Becker-Warner usikhumbuza ukuthi ukuya ocansini njengokusondelana akumele kube yiqiniso ngakho wonke umuntu. "Kwabanye, ukusondelana ngokocansi akubalulekile noma sekube yingxenye ebaluleke kakhulu yokuxhumana."

Futhi ucansi aludingeki ngaso sonke isikhathi ukuze ube nobudlelwano obunempilo.

"Baningi abantu abanobudlelwano obunempilo, obujabulisayo nobunempilo, futhi bakulokho okungachazwa njengobudlelwano bezocansi oluphansi noma obungekho," kusho uDkt Harris-Jackson.

“Kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi ucansi nokusondelana akuyona into efanayo. Ukusondelana kungukuhlangenwe nakho noma isenzo sothando, ukuxhumana, nokwabelana, ”kuqhuba yena. “Ukusondelana nokukhulumisana okuhle kubalulekile futhi kubalulekile ebudlelwaneni obunempilo. Ubulili buyinto ebalulekile kubalingani abaningi, noma kunjalo, futhi lokho kufanele kuzwakale futhi kuhlonishwe kulabo bantu. ”

Khumbula lokhu: Wena nomlingani wakho nithatha isinqumo sokuthi niyafaneleka yini encazelweni yomphakathi yobudlelwano obungenabulili noma cha - nokuthi bubalulekile yini! Ukungabi nocansi akufanele kube ukulahlekelwa ukusondelana.

Njengoba uDkt.Harris-Jackson ephinda: “Ukubambisana ngaphandle kocansi akusho ukuthi kungukusebenzisana okungajabulisi. Ngokuphambene nalokho! Ubudlelwano obugcwele ukusondelana nokwesekwa kungagcwaliseka kakhulu uma ngabe yilokho ozakwethu ababeka njengeqhulwini ebudlelwaneni babo. ”