Ungabhekana Kanjani Nesimo Esishintshayo Sobungani Bakho

-Delile

• Liyini "ijika lobungane"?
• Umphumela Ongokomzwelo Wokulahlekelwa Ubungane
• Indlela Yokuqinisa Ubungane Osevele Unabo
• Buyekeza kwe-

Uyayikhumbula leyo migexo emihle yobungani obushintshisane ngayo ne-BFF yakho ebangeni lesikole-mhlawumbe izingcezu ezimbili zenhliziyo ezifunda "Okuhle kakhulu" nokuthi "Abangane," noma imihlobiso ye-yin-yang ehlangana kahle? Ngaleso sikhathi, cishe wawungakaze ucabange ukuthi ngelinye ilanga niyohlukana noma ukuthi eminyakeni engu-20 phansi komgwaqo, ngeke nisaba ukuphila komunye nomunye ngokuphelele.

Liyini "ijika lobungane"?

Iqiniso: Ubungani buyaphela futhi buqhubeke phakathi nayo yonke impilo yakho. Lokhu yilokho ochwepheshe abakubiza ngokuthi ijika lobungane. Ngenkathi ukuma ngqo kwalelijika kungabonakala kuhlukile kuwo wonke umuntu (cabanga igrafu yomugqa ehlela ubungane bakho ngokuhamba kwesikhathi), kukhona ucwaningo lokufakazela ukuthi bonke ubungani buvame ukudlulela ekuguqulweni kwezinto. Eqinisweni, olunye ucwaningo lubonisa ukuthi abantu bashintsha ingxenye yabangane babo abaseduze njalo ngemva kweminyaka eyisikhombisa, okuzwakala kuwukhahlo, kodwa uma uke ucabange ukuthi zingaki izinguquko zokuphila kanye nezigaba osudlule kuzo kule minyaka eyishumi edlule kuphela, iqala ukwenzeka. umqondo. (Okuhlobene: 'Ngilahlekelwe Kanjani, Futhi Ngathola Kanjani, Umngane Wami Omkhulu')

Ake ungithathe njengesibonelo: Kule minyaka eyishumi edlule, ngathola iziqu ekolishi, ngahamba kathathu, ngashada, ngasebenzela izinkampani ezintathu ezihlukene, ngazisungulela ibhizinisi. Zonke lezo zinguquko ezinkulu empilweni ngokwemvelo zibe nomthelela ebunganeni bami futhi — futhi lokho kujwayelekile ngaphandle kokubheka ukuthi impilo yakho ithatha yiphi indlela, kusho uShasta Nelson, isazi sobungani nombhali wencwadi Ukuqina.

Njengoba kunikezwe lonke lolu shintsho, kuyaqondakala ukuthi abanye abangane bazoba khona kulolu hambo, yize beya emazingeni ahlukene, kanti abanye bangawa njengabangani ngokuphelele. Cabanga ngalokhu: Uma uya esikoleni, noma ngabe i-pre-K noma ikolishi, uchitha isikhathi esiningi nontanga yakho, futhi lokho kulingana nokuthuthuka okukhulu kobungane, kusho uNelson. (Kungokufanayo nasemsebenzini njengoba uchitha isikhathi esiningi nozakwenu.) Ucwaningo lwango-2018 oluvela eNyuvesi yaseKansas olwahlola ukusondelana kobungani luphakamisa ukuthi kuthatha phakathi kwamahora angu-40-60 achithwa ndawonye ukwakha ubuhlobo obungajwayelekile nomuntu; Amahora angama-80-100 okushintshela ekubizaneni ngokuthi umngane; nokuchitha amahora angaphezu kwama-200 ndawonye ukuze nibe abangane "abahle". ISIKHATHI ESININGI leso.

Ngakho-ke kwenzekani lapho usuka ngokomzimba ngaphandle kwabangane bakho abakhulu, futhi awungeni kuleyo QT ubuso nobuso kaningi? Ubungane bakho nabo buncike ekutheni ningakwazi yini ukuqhubeka nifaka amahora anele ukuze niqhubeke nazana kulelo zinga elijulile, kusho uNelson. Usuvele utshale isikhathi esiningi kobu bungani obukhona, ungacabanga ukuthi bangavele basebenzise i-autopilot, kepha kusadingeka ukuthi bathambekele kubo, kusho uNelson. Kuyindaba yokugcina ukuxhumana okuningi (ngocingo, uhambo lwamantombazane, noma imibhalo yokungena nje) ngangokunokwenzeka. Lokho akusho ukuthi akufanele uchithe isikhathi uthuthukisa ubungane obusha—lokho okubaluleke kakhulu—kodwa ukunikela isikhathi ebunganeni bakho obukhona kuba ukhiye lapho ningakwazi ukuba ndawonye ngokomzimba. (FYI: Nansi indlela yokulungisa ubungane obuphukile.)

Eqinisweni, isikhathi singesinye sezizathu sokuthi, njengoba ukhula, ungazithola utshala imali ebunganeni obusondelene obuthile kunokuba wenze ubungane obuningi bokuziphilisa — ubungako obuningi, uma uthanda. “Uma unenqwaba yobudlelwano obungazizwa ‘bujule ngokwanele,’ futhi ungawenzi umsebenzi ngokucophelela wokuthuthukisa lobo budlelwano obujulile, ugcina ulahlekelwe yibo,” kusho uNelson. Sawubona, ake sibhekane nakho: Isikhathi sakho siba yigugu ngokwengeziwe njengoba impilo yakho iqhubeka ngamashejuli amatasa, umsebenzi, ubudlelwano, futhi mhlawumbe nezingane ezikhalela ukunaka kwakho — ngakho-ke ufuna ukuqinisekisa ukuthi uqondisa isikhathi esincane onaso ezintweni lokho kuzoholela ekwanelisekeni okukhulu.

Umphumela Ongokomzwelo Wokulahlekelwa Ubungane

Ngaphandle kokwazi ukuthi ubungani bungashintsha futhi buzoguquka buphele, lokho akukwenzi kube lula ukubhekana nakho lapho lezo zinto zenzeka. Ukuhamba kwejika lobungane bakho kungadala imizwa yokukhathazeka, ukwesaba, ukudabuka, isizungu, ngisho nokudangala, kusho u-Erica J. Lubetkin, L.M.H.C., udokotela wezifo zengqondo eNew York City. "Lokhu kunjalo ikakhulukazi kubantu ababenobungane bezikhathi ezithile noma obungahambelani njengezingane ezincane," esho. "Okuhlangenwe nakho [kobungane obuhlukanayo noma obulahlekayo] kucindezela izinkinobho zokungalondeki nokwesaba ukulahlekelwa nokuhlala unomphela." Le mizwa ingakhuliswa uma omunye umngani enza imizamo yokugcina ubudlelwano buqinile kepha ezwa ukuthi omunye uyabuvumela ukuthi buphele.

Kodwa-ke, kunesu elibizwa ngokuthi "ukwamukela okukhulu" elingasiza, kusho uLubetkin. Lesi yisenzo sokwamukela ukuthi ukulahleka kwabangane yinto ejwayelekile yomuntu njengoba ukhula, futhi ubungaza ukwakhiwa kobungane obusha nabantu abanezindinganiso nezindinganiso ezikhona njengamanje, uyachaza. (Kuhlobene: Izizathu Ezi-4 Zangempela Zangempela Kakhulu Abangane Bahlukana Nendlela Yokusebenzelana)

Ngakho-ke ngenkathi ungadingeki uziphoqe ukuthi ujabule ngobungane obuphelile noma obususele kude, ungathola izindlela zokubhekana nazo futhi uthole ukuthula. "Ukwamukelwa akusho isivumelwano," kusho uLubetkin. "Sonke sizwa ubuhlungu empilweni, kodwa singakugwema ukuhlupheka. Kungaba isikhathi sokuxhumana nesipiliyoni ngendlela entsha, enempilo."

Ukuze wenze le-IRL, zama ukubukeza lokho ubungane bakho bakudala obukunikezile, futhi ugubhe lokho ongakufunda ebuhlotsheni ukuze ukhule ube umuntu ongcono futhi umngane esikhathini esizayo. Isikhathi soguquko singaba nzima, kepha kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi unekhono lokuhlakulela ubungane obunenjongo kuyo yonke impilo yakho, kusho uLubetkin. Njengoba impilo yakho iguquka, kanjalo nezindinganiso zakho zokuziphatha ngokufunayo nokudingayo ebunganeni bakho. Uma ukubheka kanjalo, kuba yisipho ukukwazi ukuqhubeka nokuqala ukwakha ubungane obusha, obunenjongo njengoba ukhula, uyanezela.

Indlela Yokuqinisa Ubungane Osevele Unabo

Ngenkathi ukusuka ebunganeni bangaphambili KULUNGILE, kujwayelekile futhi ukuthi ufune ukuqhubeka ukhulisa (noma ukuvuselela) ubungane osuvele ubuqalile. (Phela, ubudlelwano be-BFF buthuthukisa impilo yakho ngezindlela eziningi.)

Kunezingxenye ezintathu ebudlelwaneni obunempilo ezenza uzizwe uboshiwe futhi wethembana, kusho uNelson. Okokuqala ukuhambisana nesikhathi esichithwa ndawonye: "Lapho ubeka amahora amaningi, uzizwa sengathi unekusasa ndawonye," usho kanje. Owesibili ukuqiniseka: Udinga ukuzijabulisa ndawonye ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwahlulelwa futhi nizizwe namukelekile ngokuvuma okucacile. Ingxenye yesithathu ukuba sengozini noma lezo zikhathi lapho uzizwa sengathi ungakhombisa umngani wakho ukuthi ungubani noma ucabangani ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwahlulelwa noma ibanga.

"Noma yibuphi ubungane owake baba nabo bakhelwe kulezo zinto ezintathu, futhi noma yibuphi ubudlelwano obungajule kangako njengoba ufuna [bube] kusho ukuthi enye yalezo zinto iyashoda," kuchaza uNelson.

Ithi uzizwa unqanyuliwe kubangane abambalwa obukade usondelene kakhulu nabo (kimi, izintombi ezimbili ezivela emshadweni wami). Ngaphambi kokuthi ukwenze uhlukane noma uzame ukufaka abantu abasha esikhundleni salabo bangane, zibuze ukuthi iyiphi kulezi zinto ezintathu engaba nomthelela omkhulu ebudlelwaneni bakho, kusho uNelson.

Uma untula ukuvumelana...Zama ukuhlela ucingo lwangeviki noma lwanyanga zonke ukuze nazane futhi. Zinikele ekuhambisaneni, noma ujoyine okuthile okuvele kuhambisana. (Lapha kulapho kungena khona zonke izeluleko ezihlekisayo zokuthi ungenza kanjani abangani usumdala, kodwa umbono walokho uyasebenza: Uma uyingxenye yento evele yenzeka njalo, njengeqembu lomphakathi noma iqembu lezemidlalo, kuyadingeka umsebenzi wokuhlela ukuhlangana uwedwa.)

Uma ungenayo i-positivity...Iphutha elikhulu kakhulu ongalenza ngokwakha nokugcina ubungani ukufunda phakathi kwemigqa ngokweqile (uphakamisa isandla). "Lapho kufa ubungani bethu obuningi ukuthi sikuthathe ngokwethu [ukuthi omunye umuntu akenzi isimemo," kusho uNelson. "Siqala ukwesaba ukuthi abasithandi ngendlela esibathanda ngayo-kodwa iqiniso liwukuthi abantu abaningi abalungile ekuqaliseni, futhi abantu abaningi abazi ukuthi kubaluleke kangakanani ukungaguquguquki." Akungabazeki ukuthi kuyacasula (futhi kuyakhathaza) ukuba ngumngane ohlale ezama ukwenza izinhlelo, kepha wazi ukuthi uma wenza ngokwengeziwe, ubuhlobo buzoqina futhi buhlale buqinile — inqobo nje uma beqhubeka bethi yebo. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, umbuzo akufanele kube owuqalile, kepha uma nobabili nithola isikhathi senu sindawonye, ​​kusho uNelson.

Ungaqagela ukuthi ukungaguquguquki kobungani kunzima kakhulu ukuhambisana nakho, kepha uNelson uthi abantu abaningi empeleni balwa nethemba kakhulu. Izinto ezinjengokunikeza izeluleko ongazicelanga kunokumane ulalele futhi ubekhona ukuze uthole othile, kanye nokuphazanyiswa kalula yifoni yakho, zingangena kulezo zingcingo ezinhle, usho kanjalo. (Ziqaphele: Ukuze ube umngane ongcono, yiba yisilaleli esingcono… futhi ubeke phansi ifoni yakho, ngokungathi sína.)

Uma untula ubungozi...le nto ithatha isikhathi ukuthuthuka. "Inhloso akukhona nje ukuba sengozini bese utshela umuntu konke, kodwa ukukwenza ngokwengeziwe, futhi ube nelukuluku lokufuna ukwazi ngomunye nomunye." (Okuhlobene: Kunjani Ukukhuphuka Amamayela angu-2,000 + noMngane Wakho Omkhulu)

Uma ulwa nenguquko yobungani njengamanje noma uzizwa ukhungathekile ngenqubo yokwakha ubungani obusha, yiba nokholo ngokwazi ukuthi awuwedwa. Uma ubheka ubungane obunciphayo njengethuba lokukhulisa lobo buhlobo bubuyele empilweni noma ukuhlakulela ukuxhumana okusha okuzoba nenjongo, ungadlula ukucindezeleka ngokomzwelo.

Buyekeza kwe-