Ungakhuluma Kanjani Nomlingani Wakho Ngesikhathi Sakho Socansi

-Delile

• Kungani Kunzima Kangaka Ukukhuluma Ngezocansi?
• Indlela Yokuba Nezingxoxo Zesimo Esibucayi Kanjalo
• Kukuliphi Iphuzu Ebudlelwaneni Okufanele Ulikhiphe?
• Ungakukhuluma Kanjani Ngendlela Eqinisa Isibopho Sakho
• Uma Kuqala Ukuya ENingizimu ...
• Qaphela: Akufanele Uhlanganyele Konke
• Buyekeza kwe-

Ukukhuluma ngomlando wakho wezocansi akuhlali kuhamba epaki. Ngokusobala, kungasabisa i-AF.

Mhlawumbe lokho okubizwa ngokuthi "inombolo" yakho kuphakeme "phezulu," mhlawumbe uke waba namathathu ambalwa, waba nomuntu wobulili obufanayo, noma uku-BDSM. Noma, mhlawumbe ukhathazekile ngokungabi bikho kocansi, ukuxilongwa nge-STI edlule, ukwesaba ukukhulelwa, noma ukukhipha isisu owawunakho eminyakeni embalwa edlule. Umlando wakho wezocansi ungowomuntu siqu futhi uvame ukufika ungqimba emizweni. Ngaphandle kokuhlangenwe nakho kwakho, yisihloko esithinta inhliziyo. Uma ufika emathanjeni, ufise ukuzizwa unamandla, uphathe ubulili bakho, futhi ube ngumuntu wesifazane okhulile ongenawo amahloni ngezinqumo zakhe...kodwa nawe uyamfuna umuntu ohamba naye. ukukuhlonipha nokukuqonda. Uyazi ukuthi umuntu ofanele ngeke ahlulele noma abe nonya, kepha lokho akulenzi iqiniso lokuthi amandla noma yikuphi okusabisayo.

Into ukuthi, kuzodingeka ukuthi ekugcineni ube nale ngxoxo-futhi akudingeki ukuthi ivele kabi. Nansi indlela yokukhuluma nomlingani wakho mayelana nesikhathi sakho esidlule socansi ngendlela eyakhayo nenenzuzo kini nobabili (kanye nobudlelwano benu). Ngiyethemba, uzophuma uye kwelinye uhlangothi njengomphumela.

Kungani Kunzima Kangaka Ukukhuluma Ngezocansi?

Ake sikhulume kancane ngokuthi kungani kusabeka kangaka ukukhuluma ngocansi kwasekuqaleni; ngoba ukwazi ukuthi "kungani" kungasiza ngokuthi "kanjani." (Njengamagoli wokuqina!)

“Kunzima ukukhuluma ngomlando wezocansi ngoba abantu abaningi bafundiswe imindeni yabo, amasiko nenkolo ukuthi bangakhulumi ngakho,” kusho uHolly Richmond, Ph.D., uchwepheshe womshado nomkhaya onelayisensi.

Uma ungakhetha ukwenqaba lezo zifundo zehlazo nokungaziphathi kahle, uzoqala ukuzizwa unamandla futhi ukwazi ukungena kuwe njengomuntu okhululwe ngokocansi. Vele, ukwenza lokho akuyona i-cakewalk; kuthatha ithani lokukhula kwangaphakathi nokuzithanda. Uma ungazizwa sengathi ukhona, into yokuqala okufanele uyenze ukuthola umelaphi omuhle noma umqeqeshi wezocansi oqinisekisiwe ongakusiza ekuqondiseni kulolu hambo. Yazi ukuthi kuzothatha ukuzibophezela nokusebenza; ngamahloni amaningi omphakathi mayelana nocansi, cishe uzodinga usizo oluncane lwangaphandle ukuze likusize ufike lapho ufuna ukuya khona.

"Uma uqala ukuqonda ukuthi impilo yakho yezocansi ibaluleke njengempilo yakho yomzimba nengqondo, ngethemba lokuthi uzozizwa unamandla okukhuluma ngalokho okufunayo nokudingayo," kusho uRichmond. (Bheka: Ungakhuluma Kanjani Nomlingani Wakho Ngokufuna Ucansi Olwengeziwe)

Ukusuka lapho, kuzodingeka ufunde isethi entsha ngokuphelele yamakhono wokuxhumana ukuze uxoxe ngocansi ngoba abantu abaningi abakaze bafundiswe ngokunembile ukuthi bangaba kanjani nalezi zingxoxo ezisondelene kakhulu. UKristine D'Angelo, umqeqeshi wezocansi oqinisekisiwe kanye nodokotela wezocansi uthi: "Kuvamile ukuzizwa ukhathazekile ngendaba ongajwayele ukuyiveza - ikakhulukazi ngamazwi nangomuntu oqala ukuba nemizwa yakhe."

Kungakho-ke, noma ngabe uzamukele njengonkulunkulukazi omuhle, okhuluma ngocansi kusengasabisa. Ukuba novalo ngocansi nokunikwa amandla ocansi akuzimele komunye nomunye; zingahlangana ngaphakathi kwengqondo eyinkimbinkimbi ngokwedlulele yomuntu, futhi lokho kulungile impela.

Indlela Yokuba Nezingxoxo Zesimo Esibucayi Kanjalo

Ngaphambi kokuthi ujule ekukhulumeni ngocansi lwakho oludlule, zibuze ukuthi yini ozama ukuyikhipha kule ngxoxo: Ingabe lokhu kufanele ukudalule ukuze uthole ukusondelana ngokomzwelo noma ukuze ube nguwe kulobu budlelwano obusha? "Uma wazi ukuthi kungani uqala ingxoxo, kulula ukukhetha isikhathi esifanele sokuyikhulisa," kusho uD'Angelo.

Inketho 1: Ingxoxo yonke ayidingi ukuthi yenzeke ngokushesha, kuchaza uMoushumi Ghose, M.F.T., umelaphi wocansi onelayisensi. “Yehlisa phansi imbewu ubone ukuthi impendulo ihamba kanjani,” usho kanje. "Qhubeka nokufaka imbewu ngokungaguquguquki ukuze uqiniseke ukuthi ugcina ingxoxo iqhubeka - lokhu kuvumela ithuba lokuthi bakwazi ukubuza imibuzo." Lapho umuntu eqala ukubuza imibuzo, ungabanciphisa esikhathini sakho esedlule socansi ngaphandle kokukhipha igagasi lolwazi ngokungazelele. Isibonelo, ungasho ukuthi eminyakeni embalwa eyedlule wena nowayengumlingani wakho beninezinto ezintathu; uma bebuza imibuzo mayelana nokuhlangana, ungase wabelane ngemininingwane eyengeziwe nokuthi uzizwe kanjani ngalokho okwenzekayo.

Inketho 2: Enye indlela yokusondela esihlokweni ngokuba nengxoxo ezinikele, yokuhlala phansi. Ngokuya ngokuthi ufuna ukwabelana ngani nezinga lakho lokunethezeka, unganquma ukuthi lokho kuzwakala kulungile kuwe. Uma kunjalo, nizofuna ukuba sendaweni ephephile lapho nobabili ningaba sengcupheni yodwa (isb: ekhaya, kunokuba sendaweni egcwele abantu lapho abanye abantu bengalalela khona) futhi ungase ufune ukunikela. umlingani wakho a amakhanda phezulu ukuze bakwazi ukulungiselela ngokwengqondo futhi. “Yazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi ungathanda ukubekela eceleni isikhathi sokukhuluma ngomlando wakho wocansi,” kusikisela u-D’Angelo. "Yabelana ngokuthi kungani unomuzwa wokuthi le kungaba ingxoxo ebalulekile futhi ubavumele balungiselele ngokubanikeza izinto ezithile abangacabanga ngazo ngaphambi kwesikhathi esihleliwe sokukhuluma."

Izitayela zobudlelwano zihlukile futhi indlela okhetha ngayo ukuba nalezi zingxoxo incike ebuhlotsheni bakho obuthile. Akunandaba, cacisa kulokho ongazizwa ukuthi kulungile ukuveza futhi ungene engxoxweni uphakamise ikhanda lakho. (Okuhlobene: Le ngxoxo Eyodwa Ishintshe Kakhulu Impilo Yami Yocansi Yabangcono)

"Futhi, qiniseka ukuthi nawe uletha ilukuluku lakho emlandweni wezocansi womlingani wakho," kusho uD'Angelo. "Yebo, ufuna bakuqonde kangcono kepha ukufuna ukwazi ngomlando wabo wezocansi kuzobanika ithuba lokuthi bavulele nawe ithuba. Yilapho-ke lapho kuqala ukusondelana okujulile."

Kukuliphi Iphuzu Ebudlelwaneni Okufanele Ulikhiphe?

Kunokukhathazeka okusabalele ngokungafuni ukudalula "kakhulu, ngokushesha kakhulu" ebuhlotsheni, futhi umlando wezocansi ungenye yezinto eziwela ngaphansi kwaleso sambulela.

Kodwa-ke, ngaphambi kokuya ocansini, kubalulekile ukuthi nixoxe ngemingcele yezocansi, ukuhlolwa kwe-STI, kanye nemikhuba yezocansi ephephile. Ukukhululeka ngale ngxoxo kuqala kuzokusethela izingxoxo ezijulile, ezijulile mayelana nesikhathi sakho esidlule socansi kamuva. Futhi, noma ngubani ongeke adalule imininingwane yakhe yezifo ezithathelana ngokocansi, asebenzise amakhondomu, noma afune imingcele ngemikhawulo yakho akuyena umuntu ofuna ukulala naye — lokho akufanele kube ukuxoxisana ngakho futhi kwakheke izinga lokuhloniphana.

Khuluma ngomlando wakho wezocansi lapho ingxoxo ivela ngokwemvelo ekuqhubekeni kobudlelwano-ngoba cishe buvela njalo. Ngaleso sikhathi, ungakwazi "ukuwisa imbewu" futhi ukhululeke esihlokweni, noma unganquma ukuhlala phansi futhi ukhulume ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

Ekupheleni kosuku, ukuba ulungile ngomlando wakho wezocansi ngokwakho kuyinto ebaluleke kunazo zonke, kusho uRichmond. "Impela, kungahle kube nokuhlangenwe nakho okuningana ongathanda ukukwenza, kepha ukwenza lawo maphutha kuyingxenye yesipiliyoni sabantu, futhi ekugcineni kosuku, akunakubuyiselwa ekukhuliseni ukuzithanda kwakho."

Uma uzizwa unamahloni ngokujulile nganoma yini eyedlule, cabanga ukukhuluma nomelaphi ongakusiza ukuthi usebenze ngayo; ungazuza ngokuhlala ngaphandle kobudlelwano bezocansi uze wenze ukuphulukiswa kwangaphakathi.

Ungakukhuluma Kanjani Ngendlela Eqinisa Isibopho Sakho

Vele, kunokwesaba ukuthi ukwabelana ngomlando wakho wezocansi kungenza wena noma umlingani wakho nizizwe kabi mayelana nesikhathi esedlule sasendle noma esingesihle kangako. Lokhu ukukhathazeka okufanele, futhi ukukuchitha akusho ukuthi kungasuki.

Kuvamile ukuzizwa ungafaneleki, noma ngabe unaliphi ibanga lesipiliyoni sakho — yilokho kuphela, wonke umuntu uzizwa enganele kubathandi bomlingani wakhe bangaphambili, noma ngabe kuncane nje. "Ngani? Ngoba wonke umlingani uhlukile futhi unezinto azithandayo," kusho uGhose. Kulula ukuwela ogibeni lokuziqhathanisa bese uzibandakanya ne "The Ex They had a Threesome With" noma "The Ex They Dated for 10 Years," ngoba abantu bathambekele ekuzilimaleni. Umuntu wakudala angaba lo "nkulunkulu wobulili omkhulu" kunokuphila, futhi kulula ukwesaba ukuthi ngeke uphile ngalo muntu (oqanjiwe). (Okuhlobene: Ingabe Ukuba Ngumngane Ne-Ex Yakho Kube Umqondo Omuhle?)

Okubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi imizwa yokungafaneleki ihamba yomibili. Ukukhulumisana ngokukhululekile nangokuthembeka kungasiza. "Yazisa umlingani wakho ukuthi usuphulukisile noma okufundile ngawe eminyakeni edlule, nokuthi akufanele bazizwe bekhungathekile noma bengafaneleki," kusho uRichmond. "Uma uqinile ngokobulili bakho, kodwa [uhlale] ukulungele ukufunda nokuzwa okwengeziwe, ngethemba ukuthi bazobe bekulungele lolo hambo esikhundleni sokungena ekhanda labo ngalokho abacabanga ukuthi bangakwenza noma abakwaziyo' t ukunikeza."

Ungenzi ingxoxo "iveze okukhulu," kodwa kunalokho nobabili nemilando yenu ehlukile. UD'Angelo uphakamisa ukubuza:

• Okuhlangenwe nakho kwakho kwezocansi okudlule kukufundiseni mayelana nobulili bakho?
• Kungani ucansi lubalulekile kuwe?
• Yiziphi izinselele zocansi oke wabhekana nazo esikhathini esidlule?
• Okuhlangenwe nakho kwakho kwezocansi okwedlule kwakubumbile kanjani ukuthi ungubani namuhla?

"Ngokuhlanganyela nabo le mibuzo uzobanikeza ithuba lokwazi ukuthi yini ngempela onethemba lokuyihlola ngale ngxoxo," esho. (Ungabuye uhlole le mibuzo ngokuqala iphephabhuku lezocansi ukusiza ukucabanga ngemicabango nemizwa yakho.)

Uma Kuqala Ukuya ENingizimu ...

Uma ukhathazekile ngokusabela komlingani wakho noma imizwa yakho siqu, yazi ukuthi kuyasiza ukwethula ingxoxo ngokugcizelela uzwela nokuba ~kuyo ndawonye~. Uma uza kuyona uvela endaweni yokwabelana, ingenza sonke isimo sibe mnandi kakhudlwana futhi ikukhuthaze ukuthi ukhulise amavesi asondele eza kulesi simo avela ezinhlangothini eziphikisanayo.

Uma okuthile kungahambi kahle noma umuntu oyedwa eba nokwahlulela noma okulimazayo, into engcono kakhulu ongayenza ukuthi, “Lokhu kuyangilimaza. Lokhu okushoyo kungizwisa usizi. Singakwazi ukufaka iphini kulokhu? ” Thatha usuku ukucubungula, ucabangisise, futhi ubheke ukuthi bathini kuwe. Khumbula ukuthi lezi zihloko akulula ukukhuluma ngazo futhi lezi zingxoxo zingakucindezela ngokomzwelo; asikho isidingo sokuthi omunye wenu azizwe enecala uma ungeke nje uvunguze imininingwane edlule ebucayi. Uma udinga ukumisa isikhashana uphinde ukuphindise futhi, khumbula (futhi ukhumbuze umlingani wakho) ukuthi niphathane ngobumnene.

Qaphela: Akufanele Uhlanganyele Konke

Lokhu kungase kuzwakale kuyinqaba, kodwa akusona isibopho sakho ukuveza yonke into mayelana nesikhathi sakho esidlule. Isimo sakho se-STI siyinto eyodwa, njengoba siphathelene nokuphepha kocansi kophathina wakho, kodwa leso sikhathi wawunobungane akuyona into ongayenza. isidingo ukwambula.

"Kunomehluko phakathi kobumfihlo kanye nemfihlo. Wonke umuntu unelungelo lokuba yimfihlo, futhi uma kukhona izici zesikhathi sakho esidlule socansi ofuna ukuzigcina ziyimfihlo, kulungile," kusho u-Richmond. (Okuhlobene: Izinto ezi-5 Ongase Ungafuni Ukutshela Umlingani Wakho)

Lokhu akuphathelene nokugcina izimfihlo noma ukubamba amahloni. Imayelana nokukhetha ukwabelana ngolwazi ofuna ukulaba. Kuyimpilo yakho futhi uma ungafuni umlingani wakho azi ngeqembu locansi owaya kulo usanda kweva eminyakeni engamashumi amabili, ibhizinisi lakho lelo. Mhlawumbe uzonquma ukwabelana ngemininingwane eyengeziwe ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Mhlawumbe ngeke. Noma iyiphi indlela ilungile.

UGigi Engle ungudokotela wezocansi oqinisekisiwe, uthisha, futhi umbhali wamaphutha we-All The F * cking: Umhlahlandlela Wezocansi, Uthando, Nempilo. Mlandele ku-Instagram naku-Twitter ku- @GigiEngle.

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