Ingabe Ukuthuthela Ndawonye Kuzobubhidliza Ubudlelwano Bakho?

-Delile

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Ngaphambi kokuba sishade, mina nomyeni wami sabhalisela okwakubonakala kuyiseshini yokwelashwa kweqembu langaphambi komshado-ingqungquthela yosuku lonke ngezimfihlo zenyunyana enenjabulo, ephelele ngemisebenzi yokulawula ukungqubuzana namathiphu ezocansi. Ngangizizwa njengomfundi wezinkanyezi ekamelweni-ngemuva kwakho konke, ngangingumhleli wezocansi -kuze kuthi umqeqeshi wethu aqale ukugadla ezingozini zokuhlala ndawonye ngaphambi kokuthi athi "Ngiyakwenza." Ubufakazi bakhe: izifundo ezinamashumi ambalwa eminyaka zikhona ezibonisa ukuthi imibhangqwana eyayihlala ndawonye ngaphambi komshado yayinamathuba amaningi okuhlukanisa. Ngaphosa amehlo ekamelweni ngobuhlakani, ngethemba lokuthi ngizobona abanye abantu abanecala engangibazi ukuthi laligcotshwe ebusweni bami.

Mina nomyeni wami sahlala ndawonye ezinyangeni ezintathu ngaphambi kokutholwa. Futhi, uma ukhuluma nososayensi abacwaninga ngokuhlala ndawonye, ​​sikwenze ngezizathu ezingalungile: Ngangikhathele ukushayela imizuzu engamashumi amabili ngiya endaweni yakhe, ibhilidi lami lalinezimbungulu, futhi ngangonga cishe izinkulungwane zemali ngenyanga . Ngamanye amagama, asikwenzanga ngoba asikwazanga ukubekezelela ukuhlukaniswa ezinye izinsuku ezingama-90.

Lokho ebesikwenzela khona: Besivele sithembisene. Besingabelani ngekheli njengendlela yokuhlola ubudlelwano bethu—okuwukuthi, ngokusho kukaScott Stanley, Ph.D., umqondisi-kanye we-University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies-isizathu esibi kakhulu sokungena emjondolo. phezulu. "Isizathu [sokuhlala ndawonye] empeleni sibaluleke kakhulu," uyagcizelela. Ocwaningweni lwango-2009, ithimba lakhe lathola ukuthi abantu ababehlala ndawonye “njengomshado ovivinywayo” bavame ukuba nokukhulumisana okumpofu, amazinga aphansi okuzinikela, nokuzethemba okuncane emandleni esibopho sabo.

Indawo eyodwa enamathelayo kakhulu: Uma nihlala ndawonye-futhi anikakabi semgwaqweni oya emshadweni-usuke ubheka ukuthi ubani okufanele ahlanze izindlu zangasese nokuthi uzoyihlukanisa kanjani irenti yakho, kuyilapho unquma nokuthi ungenile yini. kusho uStanley. Ngokwesiko, imibhangqwana akudingeki ukuthi ihlukanise imisebenzi yasekhaya kuze kube yilapho ishaywa-kodwa kulokhu, uzulazula ezithiyoni ezimbili ezinkulu ngesikhathi esisodwa, ngaphandle kokuqinisekiswa kwendandatho emunweni wakho.

Uma ukuhlala ndawonye kungeyona injabulo njengoba bekulindelwe, isixazululo esisobala ukuhlukana nje. Inkinga ukuthi, lokho kunzima kakhulu ukukwenza. “Abantu abaningi bakholelwa ukuthi ukuhlala ndawonye kusengaphambili kungawuqinisa umshado,” kusho u-Anita Jose, Ph.D., isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo emtholampilo e-Montefiore Medical Center. "Kodwa-ke, ukuhlala ndawonye kusho ukuthi abantu baqala ukwabelana ngezilwane ezifuywayo, ukubolekwa kwempahla, ukuqashisa, nezinye izinto ezingokoqobo ezenza kube nzima ukuqeda ubuhlobo obungase buphele."

Umphumela ovame kakhulu? Imibhangqwana engajabule ihlala ngaphansi kophahla olufanayo-futhi ekugcineni, ingase ishade, kuphela ngoba kubonakala kuyinto efanelekile ukuyenza ngemva kweminyaka emihlanu yokuhlala ndawonye. UStanley unegama lalesi simo: "ukuslayida ngokuqhathanisa."

Naphezu kwalokhu okutholakele okwethusayo, kunocwaningo lwakamuva olusikisela ukuthi ukuhlala ndawonye akukubi konke—okuthi eminye imibhangqwana ehlala ndawonye iphila kahle kanye naleyo engahlanganyeli umbhede ize ithi, “Ngiyakwenza.” Ucwaningo lwase-Australia, olushicilelwe ku- Ijenali Yomshado Nomndeni, waze wathola nokuthi ukuhlala ndawonye ngaphambi komshado kunciphisa ingozi yokuhlukana. Incazelo eyodwa: Lapho iningi lemibhangqwana engashadile ezweni likhetha ukuhlala ndawonye, ​​imiphumela engemihle ingase iqale ukushabalala. "Ingxabano iwukuthi ukuhlalisana bekungeke kube yingozi ukube bekulokhu kwamukeleka-ukuthi ukungahlali ndawonye kulimaza izithandani. Kuyihlazo lokuhlalisana. Abantu bayababukela phansi," kusho uStanley.

Lokho kusho ukuthi, usacabanga izingqinamba ezihlobene nokuhlala ndawonye - noma ukungabi bikho kwazo - zibophezele ekuzibophezeleni. “Ukuhlalisana akukutsheli lutho ngendlela izithandani ezizinikele ngayo,” usho kanje. "Kodwa uma bethembisene umshado noma behlela ikusasa-akudingeki kube umshado-lokho kukutshela okuningi ngombhangqwana." Ngamanye amazwi, uma senilitholile kakade ikusasa lenu ndawonye, ​​ukuhlala ndawonye ngeke kuwalimaze amathuba omshado ophumelelayo. Ucwaningo luhlala lukhombisa ukuthi abashadikazi abahlala ndawonye bajabulela izinzuzo ezifanayo-ukwaneliseka, ukuzibophezela, ukungqubuzana okuncane-njengabantu abalinda kuze kufike umshado.

Ngakho-ke ungenza kanjani isiqiniseko sokuthi ungomunye wabahlali ndawonye abagcina bebanjiwe ngenjabulo? “Imibhangqwana engaphezu kwamaphesenti angu-50 ethuthayo ayikhulumi ngokuthi kusho ukuthini,” kusho uStanley. "Nindawonye ubusuku obune ngesonto, bese kuba yisihlanu, bese nishiya izingubo ezengeziwe, isixubho, ishaja le-iPhone. Bese kuphelile ukuqasha komuntu futhi ngokuzumayo nihlala ndawonye. Akukho ngxoxo, asikho isinqumo." Kungani lokho kuyingozi: Ungase ube nokulindela okuhluke ngokuphelele, okungase kukwenze uphoxeke, kusho uJose. Ngaphambi kokuba usayine isivumelwano sokuqashisa, yabelana ngobuqotho ngalokho ocabanga ukuthi lokhu kuthutha kusho ukuthi: Ingabe lokhu ukubheka njengesinyathelo esibheke e-altare - noma nje indlela yokonga imali? Bese ucela umfana wakho ukuthi enze okufanayo. Uma unemibono ehluke ngokuphelele, cabanga ngokwabelana ngekheli, kusho uStanley. Futhi ngaphambi kokuba ungene, nquma ukuthi ubani owenza imiphi imisebenzi nokuthi uzozisingatha kanjani izibopho zakho zezezimali, kusho uStanley. Lowo mzuzu ongajabulisi lapho uweta eletha isheke lakho? ("Ngikhokha uhhafu?") Uzobona lezo zikhathi eziyishumi lapho kufika umthethosivivinywa wokuqala kagesi - futhi awukaze uthathe isinqumo sokuthi ngubani okhokha ini.

Ngokuqondene nami-owayekade ehlala ndawonye owenza izinto maphakathi nokungahambi kahle, phakathi kwesokudla, emehlweni ochwepheshe? Unyaka owodwa nezinsuku eziyi-112 emshadweni (yebo, ngiyabala), ngingabika ngenjabulo ukuthi mina nomyeni wami asibanga ngesinye sezibalo esaxwayiswa ngazo ekilasini lethu ngaphambi komshado. Sisindile, futhi okungcono nakakhulu, siye sachuma. Eqinisweni, ngemva kwe-honeymoon, ngathola ukuthi sakwazi ukujabulela umshado wethu omusha, ngaphandle kokuthola ukuthi kwakuwumsebenzi kabani ukucosha ibhokisi likadoti (elakhe, i-BTW). Izinkinga zokuphila kwethu sobabili zase zilungisiwe, okwasishiya sijabulele umshado wethu.

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