9 Izinganekwane Zesehlukaniso Zokuyeka Ukukholelwa

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Ziningi izinganekwane ngesahlukaniso eziqhubeka nokuthelela umphakathi wethu. Okokuqala, ngaphandle kokuzwile, izinga lesehlukaniso empeleni alisiwo amaphesenti angama-50. Eqinisweni, lelo nani empeleni yilolo ebelicatshangelwa kususelwa eqinisweni lokuthi amazinga ezehlukaniso ayekhuphuka ngawo-1970 nangama-80s.

Okuyiqiniso, ngokusho kwesiqephu se- New York Times kulo Disemba odlule, ukuthi amazinga edivosi ayehla, okusho ukuthi “ngenjabulo njalo ngemva kwalokho” empeleni kuyinto enhle kakhulu engenzeka.

Sikhulume nodokotela uSusan Pease Gadoua nentatheli uVicki Larson, ababhali bencwadi evula amehlo The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Sptptics, Realists and Rebels.Ngokusha engikwenzayo: Ukulungisa kabusha umshado wabangabaza, amaqiniso kanye namahlongandlebe, ukuze bathole umbono wabo ngomshado wanamuhla, izinganekwane ngesehlukaniso, nalokho okulindelekile namaqiniso ahambisana nakho kokubili. Nakhu uGadoua noLarson okufanele basitshele khona.

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1. Umshado owodwa kwemibili uphela ngesehlukaniso

Njengoba ngibhale ngenhla, leso sibalo esingamaphesenti angama-50 sasisekelwe enambeni eqanjiwe esesiphelelwe yisikhathi kakhulu. Ama-70s kwakuyiminyaka engama-40 edlule, futhi okuningi sekushintshile kusukela lapho. Ngenkathi amazinga ehlukaniso ekhule ngawo-1970 nawo-1980, empeleni ehle eminyakeni engama-20 edlule.

I-New York Times bathola ukuthi amaphesenti angu-70 emishado eyaba khona ngawo-1990 empeleni afinyelela unyaka we-15 eshadile. Izibalo zikhombisa nokuthi, ngenxa yabantu abashada kamuva empilweni, ukuvuthwa kuyasiza ekugcineni abantu ndawonye isikhathi eside. Ezingeni lokuthi izinto ziyahamba, kunethuba elihle lokuthi imishado emibili kwezintathu izohlala ndawonye futhi isehlukaniso ngeke sibe khona.

Ngakho uma izinga lesehlukaniso lingewona amaphesenti angu-50, liyini? Kuya ngokuthi imibhangqwana ishada nini, kuchaza uVicki. "Ngaphansi nje kwamaphesenti ayi-15 alabo ababopha ifindo lomshado eminyakeni yama-2000 bahlukanisile, kepha iningi lale mibhangqwana kungenzeka ukuthi ayikaze ibe nezingane okwamanje-izingane zifaka ingcindezi emshadweni. Kulabo abashade ngeminyaka yama-1990, amaphesenti angama-35 ahlukene. abashade ngeminyaka yama-1960 kanye nama-70s banezinga lesehlukaniso ebangeni elingamaphesenti angama-40-45. Futhi labo abashada ngeminyaka yama-1980 basondela kumaphesenti angama-50 edivosi-okuthiwa isehlukaniso esimpunga. "

2. Isehlukaniso silimaza izingane

NgokukaGadoua, isehlukaniso singacindezela izingane, kodwa hhayi kangako kuyalimaza. Yini okulimaza kakhulu abazali ukulwa phambi kwezingane.

"Cabanga ngakho. Ubani othanda ukuba phakathi kwengxabano ngaso sonke isikhathi? Ukungezwani kuyathathelana futhi izingane ikakhulukazi azinawo amathuluzi noma izivikelo zokubamba izingxoxo ezinomsindo ezivela kubazali bazo," kuchaza uGadoua. “Kunocwaningo oluningi olubonisa ukuthi okudingwa izingane ngaphezu kwanoma yini enye indawo ezinzile futhi enokuthula. Lokho kungase kube lapho abazali behlala ndawonye, ​​kodwa kungenzeka nalapho abazali behlala ngokuhlukana. Okubalulekile wukuthi abazali bayezwana. futhi bahlale bekhona ngezingane zabo. Izingane akufanele zibanjwe lapho kudubulana khona umlilo nabazali, zisetshenziswa njengezidladla, noma ziphathwe njengabantu abashadelwe ngokwesivumelwano. Kufanele zikhululeke futhi zizizwe ziqinisekile ukuthi abazali bazo baphethe. "

3. Imishado yesibili inamathuba amaningi okuthi iphele ngesehlukaniso


Yize ngokwezibalo lokhu kuyiqiniso, imishado ye-Living Apart Together (LAT) nezinto ezifana nokungahlangani okuqondayo ziyashintsha lokho ngokufaka inselelo ezinkambisweni ezijwayelekile zokuthi umshado kufanele ube kanjani futhi unikeze ezinye izindlela zokuthi abantu abashadile bangaziphila kanjani izimpilo zabo.

UGadoua noLarson bakhuthaza imibhangqwana ukuthi ihlole lezo zinketho ngokugcwele. "Sonke sikwenzela ukuthi ukhethe umshado we-LAT-noma ukunikezana isikhala emshadweni wakho osuvele ukhona-ngoba unikeza wena nomlingani wakho lokho kanye enikufunayo: uxhumano nobuhlobo obuseduze nenkululeko eyanele yokugwema i-claustrophobia evame ukuza nokuhlala ndawonye. 24/7 kanjalo nanoma yini eyenza abantu abaningi bathathane kancane, noma ngabe bashadile noma bahlala ndawonye, ​​”kusho bona.

4. Isehlukaniso silingana "nokwehluleka"

Akunakwenzeka. Noma ngabe kuwumshado oqala (umshado ophela kungakapheli iminyaka emihlanu futhi ongaholeli ezinganeni) noma umshado obume isikhathi eside, isehlukaniso asisho ukuthi wehlulekile.

"Okuwukuphela kwesinyathelo esinaso sokunquma ukuthi umshado uyaphumelela noma cha ukuthi uhlala isikhathi eside kangakanani. Kodwa-ke, kunabantu abaningi abanempilo enempilo, engcono emva kwesehlukaniso. Mhlawumbe lo mbhangqwana ukhulise izingane ezinempilo ezihambe ngehhoko futhi manje bafuna ukuthatha indlela ehlukile ezimpilweni zabo.Kungani lokho kwehluleka?Bheka u-Al noTipper Gore.Abezindaba babememeza bebeka icala endaweni ethile, nokho kwakungekho muntu futhi kungekho lutho ababengasola.Umshado wabo wamane waphela nya. ngazo zombili izibusiso zabo, "kusho uGadoua noLarson.

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5. Ubukhulu bomshado kanye nezindleko zihlobene nobude bomshado

Ngasekuqaleni kwale nyanga I-New York Times ishicilele ucezu ngokuhlobana phakathi kosayizi nezindleko zomshado nomphumela wawo kubude bomshado. Ngenkathi ababhali besifundo, u-Andrew Francis-Tan noHugo M. Mialon, bethi izindleko zomshado nesikhathi somshado "zingahambelana ngokungafani," abakwazanga ukukhomba ukuthi imuphi umshado, obizayo noma ongabizi, onethuba eliphakeme lesehlukaniso .

UGadoua noLarson bavumile, ngendlela ezungezayo. Izindleko ezinkulu ngendandatho yokuthembisana nomshado zingasho ukuthi umshado uzoqala ngezikweletu eziningi, futhi akukho lutho olucindezela imibhangqwana ngaphezu kwemali, "Lokho izifundo zethu kanye nalokho okubonakala kuboniswa ucwaningo lwabanye ukuthi ubuntu-ukuba nozwela, ukuphana. , ukwazisa, njll. -kuhambisana nokulindelwe yizilinganiso ezingcono kakhulu zokuthi ngabe umshado uzohlala ngokujabula yini, "bachaza.

6. Ungenza (futhi kufanele) uhlukanise umshado wakho

Njengoba uLarson abhalile endabeni yeDivorce360, "awungeke uthandane- noma uhlukanise ubufakazi bomshado ngoba awukwazi ukulawula ukuziphatha komunye umuntu, ungakwazi ukulawula owakho kuphela."

Lapho simbuza ngalesi sihloko, wachaza: “Awukwazi ukulawula ukuziphatha komlingani wakho futhi uma ukwazi lokho kungaba yingozi ngempela! Ungaba umngane womshado ongcono kakhulu futhi wenze zonke izinto ezituswa ochwepheshe bobudlelwano—kusukela ekupholeni nomngane wakho womshado kuye kuye. ukwenza ucansi olukhulu futhi oluvamile ukuze ube nguzakwethu osekelayo, onokwazisa-futhi ugcine uhlukanisile. "

U-Larson uphinde wengeza ngokuthi akufanele ufune ngisho nokuhlukanisa umshado wakho, ngoba ngezinye izikhathi kunempilo ukuwuyeka uqhubeke.

7. Ukuhlala ndawonye ngaphambi komshado kwehlisa amathuba okudivosa

Ngokuvamile kuthiwa abantu abahlala ndawonye ngaphambi komshado banamathuba amaningi okuhlukanisa, kodwa ucwaningo lwamuva luthi lokho akulona iqiniso.

Ucwaningo olwenziwa ngonyaka ka-2014 nguprofesa ongumxhumanisi u-Arielle Kuperberg wase-University of North Carolina eGreensboro lwathola ukuthi, ngokungafani nezinsumansumane, ukuthi ukuhlala ndawonye noma ukuhlala ndawonye ngaphambi kokuba nishade empeleni akuhlangene nokuthi ubuhlobo benu buzophela ngesehlukaniso noma cha. . Ocwaningweni lwakhe, uKuperberg uthole ukuthi okudlala indima enkulu ukuthi nje laba bantu banquma kanjani ukuhlala ndawonye, ​​ngoba "ukuhlala phansi usemncane kakhulu yikho okuholela ekuhlukaniseni."

Imishado yamuva nayo isusa isixazululo ekuxhumaneni phakathi kokuhlala ndawonye nemiphumela yako esahlukanisweni. Izithandani, ikakhulukazi ezindala, zikhetha ukuhlala zodwa, kepha ziyakwazi ukugcina imishado yazo ijabule kakhulu, iphilile futhi iphila.

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8. Ukungathembeki kuyayibhidliza imishado.

Yize kulula ukusho ukuthi ukungathembeki kuyimbangela enkulu yemishado ephelayo, lokho akuhlali kunjalo.

Njengo-Eric Anderson, isazi sezenhlalo saseMelika eNyuvesi yaseWinchester yaseNgilandi kanye nomlobi we Igebe Lomuntu Othanda Umuntu Omunye: Amadoda, Uthando, Neqiniso Lokukopela, utshele uLarson, "Ukungathembeki emishadweni akuwuchithi umshado; kungukulindela okungenangqondo ukuthi umshado kufanele uvimbele ucansi oluchitha umshado… Ngibone ubudlelwane obuningi besikhathi eside buhlukana ngenxa yokuthi umuntu wenza ucansi ngaphandle kobuhlobo. Kodwa ukuzizwa uhlukunyezwa akuyona imiphumela engokwemvelo yocansi olungathandeki ngaphandle kobuhlobo; kuyisisulu sokuhlangana. "

9. Uma ungajabulile ngesikhathi esithile emshadweni wakho, uzodivosa

Umshado awulula. Kuyinto edinga amandla amaningi, ukuqonda, futhi okubaluleke kakhulu ukuxhumana. Ukuthi aweneme ngesikhathi esithile akusho ukuthi isehlukaniso asinakugwenywa - yonke imishado inesikhala esibi.

Kodwa uma leso siqeshana esibi singaphezu kwesiqeshana nje futhi ukwenze konke okusemandleni akho, kuhlanganise nokuhambela imibhangqwana yokwelulekwa izinyanga ezimbalwa noma unyaka ("izikhathi ezintathu noma ezine azanele," kusho uGadoua), mhlawumbe Isikhathi sokuyibiza ngokuyeka. Kodwa-ke, khumbula, ukungajabuli okwesikhashana akuqinisekisi ukuphela.

Lesi sihloko ekuqaleni sivele njenge 9 Izinganekwane Zesehlukaniso Odinga Ukuziba (Futhi Okufanele Ukwenze Esikhundleni So), Futhi ku-YourTango.com.

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