I-Relationship Therapist Ilinganisa 'I-Spark' vs. 'Amabhokisi Okuhlola' Inkulumo-mpikiswano

-Delile

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"Ungilinganela namabhokisi amaningi, futhi kuyangijabulisa impela, futhi ngizizwa ngikhululekile uma nginawe, kodwa kukhona le nhlansi ebengikade ngiyifuna futhi anginaso isiqiniseko sokuthi ngabe isekhona namanje."

Wake wezwa lawo mazwi asabekayo avela kumuntu ongase abe uzakwethu? NgoMsombuluko ukufaka kuka- I-Bachelor In Paradise, ababukeli babuka njengoba umncintiswano uJessenia Cruz esho lawo mazwi kobekulindelekile kwezothando u-Ivan Hall. "Pho yini ebaluleke kakhulu kuwe, inhlansi noma amabhokisi?" UHall ubuze noCruz. Impendulo yakhe: "Inhlansi akuyona into engaphoqelelwa." (Bheka: Izifundo Eziyisithupha Zobudlelwano Ongazifunda Ku 'Bachelor In Paradise')

Ngaphandle kwebhamuza IPharadesiKodwa-ke, kungenzeka ukuthi uyazibuza: yikuphi okubaluleke kakhulu lapho ufuna umlingani, "ukubheka amabhokisi" noma "inhlansi?" Umbuzo abaningi abawutholile ohambweni lwabo lokuphola, futhi kungahle kungabi njengobunambambili njengoba kubonakala. Njengobulili, ubudlelwano, nodokotela wezempilo yengqondo - ingasaphathwa Isiqu aficionado - nakhu engikudingayo kulolu daba.

Okokuqala, ake sikhulume ngalawo mabhokisi. Zingafanekisela izinto ezahlukahlukene ezithinta wena nobudlelwano bakho. Isibonelo, esiqeshini sangoMsombuluko se- IBachelor ePharadesi, umqhudelwane uJoe Amabile wabelane nesithakazelo sakhe sothando, u-Serena Pitt, ukuthi yena nentombi yakhe yeminyaka emibili, u-Kendall Long, bahlukana ngoba wayefuna ukuhlala eduze nabathandekayo e-Chicago kuyilapho yena efuna okufanayo kodwa e-Los Angeles. Ukuba nokuqonda okwabiwe mayelana nokukhetha okukhudlwana kwempilo, njengokuthi ungabeka kuphi izimpande, kuyibhokisi elibalulekile okufanele ulihlole, njengoba kubalulekile ukuze ube nobudlelwano obujabulisayo nobunempilo.

Amanye amabhokisi abantu ngokuvamile afuna ukuthika ukuthi ahambisana nenkolo, imibono yezepolitiki, ezezimali, ucansi, indlela yokuphila, nezingane, phakathi kokunye. Lezi yizinto abanye abangavame ukubhekisela kuzo ngokuthi "ukuba kuhle ephepheni." Ziyizindinganiso eziyisisekelo nezindlela zokubona nokusebenza emhlabeni. Isibonelo, uma umuntu elangazelela umlingani ovelele futhi okwamanje ecindezela umuntu onethezekile ukusebenza emsebenzini ofanayo impilo yabo yonke, lokho kungaba ibhokisi elingamakiwe. Ibhokisi ngalinye kulawa liyingxenye "yephakethe lonke" olifunayo. Alikho ifomula yezibalo ekutshela ukuthi lawo mabhokisi ayini, yini efanelekela ibhokisi ukuthi lihlolwe, noma mangaki amabhokisi adinga ukuhlolwa ukuze ucabangele umuntu ofana naye omuhle - udinga ukuzinqumela konke lokho. (Okuhlobene: Kubaluleke Kangakanani Ukuheha Okubonwayo Ebudlelwaneni?)

Futhi kuthiwani "ngenhlansi?" Lokho, empeleni, kungenye indlela yokuthi "chemistry" - ikakhulukazi amakhemikhali ezocansi noma ezothando. I-FYI, kunezinhlobo ezahlukahlukene zamakhemikhali ongazizwa nabantu. Ngokwesibonelo, ungase ube omuhle kakhulu ubuciko chemistry nomuntu oyedwa futhi steamy ezocansi chemistry nomunye umuntu. Igama elithi chemistry empeleni lichaza nje ukusabela kwamakhemikhali ebuchosheni okukutshela ukuthi: "Masichithe isikhathi esiningi nalo muntu."

Kukhona isayensi ethile ngemuva kwale mizwa, futhi. Uthando lothando nokukhangwa ngokocansi kungabonwa ngamakhemikhali ebuchosheni. Uthando lwezothando lungahlukaniswa lube izigaba ezintathu: inkanuko, ukukhanga, nokunamathela, futhi isigaba ngasinye salezo zigaba sinesethi yaso yamahomoni akhishwa ebuchosheni ukuze enze leso "sigaba" senzeke, ngokusho kocwaningo oluvela eRutgers University.

I-inkanuko isigaba ibonakala ngobulili nangamahomoni okuzala i-estrogen ne-testosterone. Lesi sigaba siqhutshwa kakhulu isifiso sokuzanelisa ngokocansi, kanye nomfutho wokuziphendukela kwemvelo wokuzala, ngokusho kocwaningo. Empeleni, yebo, inkanuko imayelana nokufuna ucansi.

I- isigaba sokuheha (cabanga ngakho "njengengxenye ye-honeymoon"), igcwele i-dopamine (i-neurotransmitter ehambisana nobumnandi), i-norepinephrine (i-neurotransmitter esikanye nayo esiza umzimba ukuthi uphendule ekucindezelekeni), ne-serotonin (enye i-neurotransmitter eyaziwa ngokulawula imizwa yakho) . Lesi yisigaba abantu abaningi okungenzeka bangenele ngaso lapho "bekhethe" umlingani kuso IBachelor ePharadesi.

I- isigaba sokunamathiselwe kufaka phakathi amakhemikhali ahlukene ebuchosheni bakho kunokuheha, ikakhulukazi i-oxytocin (i-hormone ne-neurotransmitter eyaziwa ngokuthi "i-bonding hormone" ekhiqizwa yi-hypothalamus ingakhishwa ngemithamo emikhulu ngesikhathi socansi) kanye ne-vasopressin (i-hormone engakhuphuka futhi ngesikhathi esibi kakhulu yothando).

Igama elithi 'chemistry' empeleni lichaza nje ukusabela kwamakhemikhali ebuchosheni okutshela ukuthi: 'Ake sichithe isikhathi esiningi nalo muntu.'

Ngakho-ke, amakhemikhali empeleni akugcina ebudlelwaneni besikhathi eside awana lutho namakhemikhali akuheha kumlingani wakho ekuqaleni. Yileyo ndlela elula yokukusho. Ungakwazi kabushadala imizwa yenkanuko nokuheha umuntu othile ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ebudlelwaneni - kepha cishe akunakwenzeka ukuyidala uma ingekho. Futhi leyo nhlansi ukuthi laba IBachelor ePharadesi abangenele umncintiswano babonakala bekhuluma. (Kuhlobene: I-Bachelorette Ngabe Ukufunda Isikole Yimisa Ekukhanyeni Ngegesi 101)

Ngakho-ke, yebo, uCruz wayeqinisile lapho ethi i-chemistry ayinakuphoqwa. Into ukuthi, abantu bayizilwane eziyinkimbinkimbi, ngakho-ke i-chemistry iba yinkimbinkimbi ngokwengeziwe: Akunakwenzeka ukuphoqa i-chemistry, kodwa yona kungenzeka ukuzwa i-chemistry ikhula ngokwemvelo lapho yayingekho ngaphambili. Wake wathandana nomngani? Akuzwakali.

Ngasohlangothini lwe-flip, i-chemistry iyodwa ayanele kubambiswano olusekelayo futhi oluhlala isikhathi eside. Ukuze ube nobudlelwano obunempilo nobuvikelekile, udinga "ikhaya lobudlelwano" elizwakalayo, ngokusho kwethiyori evela ku-Gottman Institute, inhlangano eyenza ucwaningo ngobudlelwano.Kukhona "izitezi" eziyisikhombisa (ukwakha amamephu othando noma ukwazana, wabelane ngothando nokwazisa, jikela noma unikeze ukwesekwa kumlingani, umbono oqondile, uphathe izingxabano, wenze amaphupho empilo afezeke, futhi wakhe umqondo owabiwe), kanye "nezindonga" ezimbili (ukuzibophezela nokwethembana). I-Chemistry ingakwenza uzizwe uxhumeke ngokuqinile kothile, kepha ngaphandle kwesisekelo sobudlelwano obuqinile, leyo nhlansi kungenzeka ingabi yanele ukuhlala isikhathi eside, noma iwele endaweni enobuthi.

Into ukuthi, konke lokhu kunzima ukukuthinta lapho ukhetha umlingani ku IPharadesi. Kulo mongo ngokukhethekile, kubonakala sengathi uthando luzohlala lubusa phezu koxhumano olunamandla kakhulu olunamandla okwakha. Kanjani? Nokho, ohlelweni, abaqhudelanayo badinga ukuthatha izinqumo ezisheshayo mayelana nokuthi bafuna ukuba nobani. Bangase bangene othandweni oluyisivunguvungu, bebheke kakhulu eziqhulwini kunokuxhumana okungase kujule ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. (Related: Kusho Ukuthini Ngempela Ukuba Nekhemistry Yezocansi Nothile)

Ngabe uCruz wenze isinqumo esifanele ngoMsombuluko? Uma kukhona into eyodwa ongasusa ekubukeni IBachelor ePharadesi, ukuthi awukwazi ukunqumela omunye umuntu ukuthi yisiphi isinqumo esingcono kakhulu noma esifanele.

Kungase kuthathe isikhathi ukubona ukuthi uxhumana kanjani nomuntu. Noma kuthatha imizuzwana emithathu (njengoba ucwaningo oluthile lukhombisile) noma iminyaka emithathu, lalela umuzwa wakho bese wenza okuzwakala kukuhle kuwe.

Into eyodwa okufanele uyiqaphele lapho uzama ukungena emzwelweni wakho, noma kunjalo, ukuhlukumezeka okungacutshungulwanga. Ukuhlukumezeka okungacutshungulwanga (amanxeba angokwengqondo angaxazululiwe avela esikhathini sakho esidlule) angenza "imizwa yamathumbu" noma intuition. Ingqondo yakho ifakwe izintambo ukukugcina uphephile, futhi kwesinye isikhathi lokho kuphikisana nalokho okufunayo. Isibonelo, uma uhlangabezane nesigameko esibuhlungu ebudlelwaneni bakho bokugcina, ubuchopho bakho buzozama ukukuvimbela ukuthi ungene esimweni esifanayo - esingagcina silimaza ingqondo yakho noma yiliphi ithuba lobudlelwano ngomzamo wokukugcina uphephile. Lapho ukuhlukumezeka sekucutshunguliwe, ungathatha okuhlangenwe nakho okusha ngomqondo owaziyo nowamanje. (Bheka: Indlela Yokusebenza Ngokuhlukumezeka, Ngokusho Kodokotela)

Ngakho-ke yini ebaluleke kakhulu ebudlelwaneni: amabhokisi okuhlola, noma inhlansi? Akekho ophendulayo. Kwehlela kuwe ukuzazi kahle ngokwanele ukuze uqonde ukuthi inkanuko nokuheha kuzizwa kanjani emzimbeni wakho - ingasaphathwa, izimfanelo nezici ozifisa kakhulu kumlingani. Kufanele izwakale imnandi, futhi kufanele izizwe ilungile, kepha futhi ingahle ibe iqoqo lemizwa esukela kokuthokozisayo kuya kwesabekayo impela ngasikhathi sinye. Lapho uzazi ngokwengeziwe nokuthi ufunani, kuba lula ukukhomba lapho amabhokisi akho ehlolwa, lapho uzwa leyo nhlansi, futhi wazi kahle ukuthi udinga malini ukuze uzizwe wanelisekile ngoxhumano.

URachel Wright, MA, LM.FT, (yena) ungudokotela wezengqondo onelayisense, uthisha wezocansi kanye nochwepheshe wezobudlelwano ozinze eNew York City. Uyisikhulumi esinolwazi, umgqugquzeli weqembu, nomlobi. Usebenze nezinkulungwane zabantu emhlabeni wonke ukubasiza ukuthi baklabalase kancane futhi bajije ngaphezulu.

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