Ukubuyela Ekuzithandeni Nasecansini Ngemuva Kokuphuma Kwesisu

-Delile

• Ukubhekana Nentukuthelo kanye Nokusola
• Lapho Idlulela Ebudlelwaneni
• Ukwakha kabusha ukuzithanda kanye nobudlelwano obunothando
• Ukuthatha Usuku Olulodwa Ngesikhathi
• Buyekeza kwe-

U-Amy-Jo, oneminyaka engama-30, akazange aqaphele ukuphumula kwakhe kwamanzi — wayenamasonto angu-17 kuphela ekhulelwe. Ngemuva kwesonto, wazala indodana yakhe, uChandler, ongasindanga.

"Kwakungukukhulelwa kwami ​​kokuqala, ngakho ngangingazi [ukuthi amanzi ami ayephukile]," etshela Umumo.

Kwakubhalwe ukuthi ukukhulelwa kwesisu kwe-trimester yesibili, yize u-Amy-Jo ethi akayazisi leyo ilebula. "Mina kuzalwa uyachaza. Lokho kuzalwa okubuhlungu ngaphambi kwesikhathi kanye nokulahlekelwa ingane yakhe yokuqala kwashintsha indlela ayezizwa ngayo ngomzimba wakhe nokuzibheka kwakhe njengemvelo, uyachaza. Ukushada nesisu)

"Okwesibili ubephumile emzimbeni wami, umzimba wami uphukile, futhi ngalokho, ngehlise isithunzi," kusho u-Amy-Jo, ohlala eNiceville, eFlorida. "Ngaphendukela ngaphakathi, kodwa hhayi ngendlela enempilo, ngazivikela. Ngangizigxeka. Kwakungenzeka kanjani ukuthi bengingazi? Kungenzeka kanjani ukuthi umzimba wami ungamazi futhi umvikele? Kusamele ngiwususe [lo mbono] ngaphandle kwami ikhanda ukuthi umzimba wami umbulele."

Ukubhekana Nentukuthelo kanye Nokusola

U-Amy-Jo akayedwa; abagqugquzeli bezempilo, abasubathi, nosaziwayo abafana no-Beyoncé noWhitney Port bonke babelane ngokuphuphuma kwesisu kwabo okunzima emphakathini futhi, okusiza ukugqamisa ukuthi kwenzeka kaningi kangakanani.

Eqinisweni, kulinganiselwa ukuthi amaphesenti angu-10-20 okukhulelwa okuqinisekisiwe aphetha ngokuphuphuma kwesisu, iningi lazo ezenzeka ku-trimester yokuqala, ngokusho kweMayo Clinic. Kodwa ukujwayelekile kokulahlekelwa kokukhulelwa akwenzi okuhlangenwe nakho kube lula ukukubekezelela. Ucwaningo luye lwabonisa ukuthi abesifazane bangathola iziqephu ezicindezelayo ezinkulu ezinyangeni eziyisithupha ngemuva kokubhekana nokukhulelwa kwesisu nokuthi owesifazane oyedwa kwabayishumi oke wehlelwa ukukhulelwa uzohlangabezana nenqubo yokudangala okukhulu. Amaphesenti angama-74 abahlinzeki bokunakekelwa kwezempilo bacabanga ukuthi "ukwesekwa okujwayelekile kwengqondo kufanele kunikezwe ngemuva kokuphuphuma kwesisu," kepha amaphesenti ayi-11 kuphela akholelwa ukuthi ukunakekelwa kunikezwa ngokwanele noma nhlobo.

Futhi ngenkathi wonke umuntu ezobhekana nokukhulelwa kwesisu ngendlela ehlukile, abantu abaningi babika ukuthi banenzondo enkulu ngemizimba yabo. Ngokwengxenye, lokhu kudalwe ngumqondo wokukhohlisa wokuzibek 'icala kwabesifazane abaningi abazizwa ngemuva kokuphuphuma kwesisu. Lapho isiko ligcwalisa abesifazane (noma besebancane kakhulu) ngomlayezo wokuthi imizimba yabo "yenziwe" ukuba ibe nezingane, into ejwayelekile njengokulahlekelwa kokukhulelwa ingazizwa njengokukhashelwa ngokomzimba — isici somuntu siqu esingaholela ekuzondeni nokuhlazeka komzimba ngaphakathi.

UMegan, 34, waseCharlotte, eNorth Carolina, uthi imicabango yakhe yokuqala ngemuva kokuphuphunyelwa yisisu e-trimester yokuqala ukuthi umzimba wakhe "umhlulekile". Uthi uphendule imibuzo enjengokuthi, 'kungani lokhu kungangisebenzelanga' nokuthi 'yini engalungile kimi ukuthi angikwazi ukuthwala lokhu kukhulelwa?' Uyachaza. "Ngizizwa sengathi ngisenayo leyo mizwa, ikakhulukazi njengoba nganginabantu abaningi abangitshela ukuthi, 'O, ngemva kokulahlekelwa usuvundile kakhulu' noma 'Ngaba nokukhulelwa kwami ​​okulandelayo ngemva kwamasonto amahlanu ngemva kokulahlekelwa kwami.' Ngakho lapho kufika izinyanga futhi zidlula [futhi ngangingakwazi ukukhulelwa], ngazizwa ngidumele futhi ngikhashelwa futhi.”

Lapho Idlulela Ebudlelwaneni

Intukuthelo abesifazane abangayizwa ngemizimba yabo ngemuva kokuphuphuma kwesisu ingathinta kakhulu ukuzethemba kwabo, ukuzethemba kwabo, kanye nokukwazi ukuzizwa bekhululekile futhi besondelene nomlingani. Lapho owesifazane oke wakhulelwa isisu efika ngaphakathi kuye, lokho kungabuthinta kabi ubudlelwano babo kanye namandla okuvuleleka, abasengozini, nokusondelana nabalingani babo.

"Umyeni wami ubevele efuna ukulungisa konke," kusho u-Amy-Jo. "Ubevele nje ufuna ukunganga nokugona futhi bengifana nokuthi, 'Cha. Ungangithintelani? Ungakuthinta kanjani lokhu?'"

Njengo-Amy-Jo, uMegan uthi lo muzwa wokukhaphela umzimba uphinde waba nomthelela ekhonweni lakhe lokuzizwa esondelene nomlingani wakhe. Ngemuva kokuthi enikezwe ilambu eliluhlaza ngudokotela wakhe ukuthi aqale ukuzama ukukhulelwa futhi, uthi bazizwa bebophezeleke kakhulu kunenjabulo yokuya ocansini — futhi sonke lesi sikhathi, akakwazanga ukusula ingqondo yakhe isikhathi eside ngokwanele ukuba azivumele ukuba aphelele asondelene nomyeni wakhe.

"Ngangikhathazekile ukuthi wayecabanga, 'Hhayi, uma benginomuntu ohlukile mhlawumbe bangathwala ingane yami bayiyise term' noma 'noma yini ayenzile, [uyisizathu] ingane yethu ayizange iqhubeke nokuphila," kuchaza yena. "Ngangiba nayo yonke le micabango engenangqondo yokuthi, empeleni, wayengacabangi noma engazizwa. Khonamanjalo, ngangisazitshela ukuthi 'lonke iphutha lami. Uma siphinda sikhulelwe kuzophinde kwenzeke,'" Uyachaza.

Futhi nakuba abalingani abangakhulelwe ngokuvamile belangazelela ukusondelana ngokomzimba ngemva kokulahlekelwa njengendlela yokuphinde baxhumane nabalingani babo, ukushaywa komqondo womuntu wesifazane wokuzicabangela yena kanye nomzimba wakhe kwenza ucansi lwangemva kokuphuphunyelwa kwesisu lube kude, ukusho okungenani. Lokhu kunqanyulwa — lapho kungalwi nokukhulumisana okunamasu futhi, ezimweni eziningi, ukwelashwa — kungadala uqhekeko ebudlelwaneni obwenza kube nzima kakhulu ngemibhangqwana ukwelulama njengabantu nanjengabalingani abathandanayo.

Ucwaningo olushicilelwe ku I-Psychosomatic Medicine ithole ukuthi ngenkathi abesifazane abangamaphesenti angama-64 "bezwa ukusondelana okukhulu ebuhlotsheni babo bezithandani [ngokushesha] ngemuva kokuphuphunyelwa yisisu," lelo nani lehle kakhulu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ngamaphesenti angama-23 kuphela athi azizwa esondelene ngokwengeziwe nangokobulili ngonyaka ngemuva kokulahlekelwa. Ucwaningo lwango-2010 olushicilelwe kumagazini Izifo zezingane Uthole ukuthi imibhangqwana eye yaphuphunyelwa yisisu inamathuba angamaphesenti angama-22 okuthi ihlukane kunalawo akhulelwe ngempumelelo. Lokhu kuyingxenye ngoba amadoda nabesifazane bathambekele ekubeni lusizi ekulahlekelweni kokukhulelwa ngendlela ehlukile—ucwaningo oluningi luye lwabonisa ukuthi usizi lwamadoda alukhulu kakhulu, aluhlali isikhathi eside, futhi aluhambisani necala abesifazane abaningi abazizwa ngemva kokukhulelwa. ukulahlekelwa.

Lokho akusho ukuthi wonke umuntu ohlangabezana nokukhulelwa kwesisu akafuni ukuya ocansini noma kufanele asebenze ngosizi lwabo ukuze azizwe ekulungele ukusondelana ngokomzimba nomlingani wakhe. Phela, ayikho indlela eyodwa-ingasaphathwa enye "elungile" indlela-yokusabela ekuphuphumeni kwesisu noma ukulahlekelwa kokukhulelwa. U-Amanda, 41, umama wezingane ezimbili ohlala ngaphandle kwase-Baltimore, eMaryland, uthi wayesekulungele ukuya ocansini ngokushesha ngemva kokuphuphunyelwa yizisu izikhathi eziningi, kanti umlingani wakhe ofuna okufanayo wamsiza ukuba alulame.

"Ngangizizwa sengathi sengikulungele ukuphinda ngiye ocansini zisuka," esho. "Futhi ngenxa yokuthi umyeni wami wayefuna ukulala nami futhi, kwaqinisekisa ukuthi ngangisengumuntu futhi angichazwanga yilokho okwenzekayo, kubuhlungu njengoba kwakunjalo."

Kepha uma wenza ucansi ngemuva kokukhulelwa kwesisu, kubalulekile ukuthi uhlole ukuthi kungani. U-Amy-Jo uthi ngemuva kwesikhathi esithile sokulila "uphenye inkinobho" weza kumyeni wakhe ngolaka, elungele ukuzama ukukhulelwa futhi.

"Bengifana nokuthi, 'yebo, ake senze enye. Masenze lokhu," kuchaza yena. “Ucansi lwalungasemnandi ngoba nganginomqondo wokuthi, ‘Ngeke ngihluleke kulokhu. Lapho umyeni wami ebambekile, wathi, 'sidinga ukukhuluma ngale ndaba.Akunampilo ukuthi ufune ukulala nami ukuze nje lungisa okuthile.'"

Kulapho-ke lapho ukudabuka, ukubhekana nesimo, kanye nokukhulumisana okufanele—kokubili umuntu ngamunye kanye nomlingani—okungena khona. (Okuhlobene: U-James Van Der Beek Uhlanganyela Isizathu Sokuba Sidinge Elinye Igama elithi "Ukuphuphunyelwa Kwesisu" Eposini Elinamandla)

Ukwakha kabusha ukuzithanda kanye nobudlelwano obunothando

Ukulahleka kokukhulelwa kubhekwa njengesigameko esibuhlungu empilweni, nosizi oluzungeze lowo mcimbi lungaba nzima. Olunye ucwaningo lwango-2012 luthole ukuthi abanye besifazane baba lusizi lapho bekhulelwa yisisu iminyaka eminingi ngemuva kwalokho kwenzeka futhi basikisela ukuthi, ngoba abesilisa nabesifazane baba lusizi ngokuhlukile, kufaka phakathi umlingani ongakhulelwe ohlelweni losizi kubalulekile. Ngaphambi kokuba umbhangqwana uthathe isinqumo sokubuyela embhedeni, kufanele ukhale ndawonye.

Enye indlela yokwenza lokhu ukusebenzisa indlela yendaba yokuzala, inqubo esetshenziswa kakhulu ngabelaphi nabasebenza ngezempilo yengqondo neziguli ezikulesi simo. Bavame ukukhuthazwa ukuba bachaze futhi basebenzise imibono yabo ekhona ngaphambili yomndeni, ukuzala, ukukhulelwa, nokubeletha—indlela ababekholelwa noma ababenombono wokuthi kuyokwenzeka ngayo. Bese, bayakhuthazwa ukuthi bagxile ekutheni okungokoqobo kuchezuke kanjani kulolu hlelo lokuqala, ukuze bacabange ngale kwemibono yokuzala, babhekane nosizi lwabo nanoma ikuphi ukuhlukumezeka okucashile, bese bebona ukuthi yibo abaphethe indaba yabo futhi. ingayibhala kabusha njengoba beqhubekela phambili. Umqondo wukuphinda uqambe kabusha icebo: Ukulahleka akusho ukuphela kwendaba, kepha kunalokho ushintsho ekulandiseni okungabangela isiqalo esisha.

Ngaphandle kwalokho, ukuxhumana, isikhathi, nokuthola ezinye izinto ezingabandakanyi ucansi kubalulekile ekwakheni kabusha ukuzethemba komuntu, ukuzethemba, nokuxhumana ngemuva kokulahleka. (Okuhlobene: Izinto ezi-5 Wonke Umuntu Odinga Ukuzazi Ngocansi Nobudlelwano, Ngokusho Kwezokwelapha)

“Kusukela ngilahlekelwe, bengizithulula emndenini wami, emsebenzini wami, futhi ngizijwayeza ukuzikhumbuza ukuthi umzimba wami ungenza izinto ezinkulu,” kusho uMegan. "Umzimba wami ungivusa njalo ekuseni, futhi ngiwumqemane futhi ngiqinile. Ngiyazikhumbuza ukuthi yini engingayenza nengikwenzile ngempilo yami kuze kube manje."

Ku-Amy-Jo, ukuchitha isikhathi nomlingani wakhe ngezindlela ezingezona ezocansi nakho kwasiza yena nomyeni wakhe ukuba bajabulele ukusondelana okwakungagxili ngokuphelele ekuzameni ukukhulelwa noma ukulungisa lokho akubonayo ukuthi "kuphukile."

"Okugcine kusifikise lapho wukwenza izinto ndawonye ezingezona ezocansi," usho kanje. "Ukuba ndawonye nje futhi sikhululekile uma sisondelene - bekufana nalezi zinto ezincane esizitholayo ngokuba nje kwethu ndawonye futhi singabi seduze okuholela ekusondelaneni ngokocansi ngendlela ejwayelekile, engokwemvelo. Ingcindezi ibicishiwe futhi bengingekho ikhanda lami mayelana nokuthi kufanele ngilungise okuthile, ngangisesikhathini futhi ngikhululekile."

Ukuthatha Usuku Olulodwa Ngesikhathi

Kubalulekile futhi ukukhumbula ukuthi indlela ozizwa ngayo ngomzimba wakho ingashintsha futhi cishe izoshintsha usuku nosuku. U-Amy-Jo selokhu abeletha ingane yakhe yesibili, indodakazi, kanye nokuhlukumezeka okwenzeka kulokho okwenzeka-indodakazi yakhe yazalwa amasonto ayi-15 ngaphambi kwesikhathi-wethula izingqinamba ezintsha eziphathelene nokwamukelwa komzimba nokuzithanda asakhuluma ngakho. (Okwengeziwe lapha: Ngifunde Kanjani Ukuthemba Umzimba Wami Futhi Ngemva Kokuphuphunyelwa Kwesisu)

Namuhla, u-Amy-Jo uthi "ufana" nomzimba wakhe, kodwa akakafundi ukuwuthanda ngokugcwele futhi. "Ngiyafika lapho." Futhi njengoba lobo budlelwano nomzimba wakhe buqhubeka nokuvela, kanjalo nobudlelwano bakhe nomlingani wakhe kanye nempilo yabo yezocansi. Njengokukhulelwa ngokwakho, ngokuvamile kuthatha isikhathi nokusekelwa ukuze ujwayele "okuvamile" okusha okulandela ukulahlekelwa okungalindelekile.

UJessica Zucker ungudokotela wezengqondo ozinze eLos Angeles ogxile kwezempilo yokuzala, umsunguli womkhankaso we #IHadaMiscarriage, umbhali we I HAD A MISCARRIAGE: A Memoir, a Movement (Feminist Press + Penguin Random House Audio).

Buyekeza kwe-