Amathiphu ayi-12 Abasebenza Ngezocansi Abelana Ngokuphinda Ubeke Ubulili Obuphakathi KukaMidlife

-Delile

• Awukho umbuzo okwehlula ukuphendula
• Lapho uzama izinto ezintsha
• Cabanga ngocansi ngale kwe-P-and-V
• Ezinye izindawo ezivusa inkanuko zokuthinta zifaka:
  
• Vala i-autopilot
• Ukwenza uhlu lwamabhakede wesimo sobulili:
  
• Khuluma ngezocansi ngemuva ubulili
• Iziphakamiso nemibuzo ongayisebenzisa lapho ucela ushintsho:
  
• Fundani ndawonye izincwadi zocansi “zokuzisiza”
• Faka amathoyizi!
• Ekuvuseleleni ubuhlobo bobulili "obufile"
• Khuluma ngakho (kepha hhayi ekamelweni)
• Iseluleko esivela kuShadeen Francis, MFT, owelapha ngocansi, umshado nomndeni:
  
• Ukushaya indlwabu wedwa
• Izeluleko zokushaya indlwabu zikaSari Cooper:
  
• Lube phezulu
• Kubeke ekhalendeni lakho
• Kepha yenza ucansi ngokwengeziwe, futhi
• Ekuhloleni ubulili bakho kamuva empilweni
• Ungavumeli ilebula ikugcine ekuhloleni
• Zizungeze nabantu abasekela ukuhlola kwakho
• Izinsizakusebenza zokuthola ukwesekwa:
  

Sifaka imikhiqizo esicabanga ukuthi ilusizo kubafundi bethu. Uma uthenga ngezixhumanisi ezikuleli khasi, singathola ikhomishini encane. Nansi inqubo yethu.

Awukho umbuzo okwehlula ukuphendula

Noma ngabe ulahlekelwe yilowo muzwa wothando, ngifisa ukuthi wena nomlingani wakho nibe nobulili obuningi (noma obuncane… noma obungcono), noma nifuna ukuzama (ngezikhundla, amathoyizi, noma obunye ubulili), awukho umbuzo wezocansi ongajabulisi noma ongakuphathi kahle odokotela bezocansi ukubhekana nokuphendula.

Kepha hhayi wonke umuntu ukhululekile ngokulinganayo ukukhuluma ngezindaba ezisondelene, ikakhulukazi uma kuhilela ukuthanda noma okuthandayo ngemuva kokuba ndawonye isikhathi eside. Kwesinye isikhathi, obekusebenza akusasebenzi futhi! Akunamahloni ekuvezeni lokho.

Ukuthola usizo lokuthi singabuxhumana kanjani noma sibuyise ubudlelwano, saxhumana nabacwaningi bezocansi abayisishiyagalombili sabacela ukuthi babelane ngamacebo abo amahle kakhulu.

Lapho uzama izinto ezintsha

Cabanga ngocansi ngale kwe-P-and-V

Ucwaningo lwango-2014 olushicilelwe kuCortex (iphephabhuku elizinikele ebuchosheni nasezinhlelweni zengqondo) lakhomba izindawo ezizwela kakhulu emzimbeni wakho.

Akumangazi ukuthi i-clitoris ne-penis ihamba phambili ohlwini - kodwa akuzona izindawo kuphela lapho, lapho zivuselelwa, zingakuhlanyisa.

Ezinye izindawo ezivusa inkanuko zokuthinta zifaka:

• izingono
• umlomo nezindebe
• izindlebe
• intamo nape
• ithanga elingaphakathi
• emuva emuva

Imininingwane futhi iphakamisa ukuthi abesilisa nabesifazane bangavulwa kusukela ekuthintweni okusondele kunoma iyiphi yalezi zindawo ezinobungozi futhi, ngakho ukuzama ukuthinta ngeke kube ngumqondo omubi.

Ukwenza umdlalo, uLiz Powell, PsyD, uthisha onobungane we-LGBTQ, umqeqeshi, kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esinelayisense usikisela lokhu: “Khipha izitho zangasese ku-equation ubusuku bonke, isonto noma inyanga. Wena nomlingani wakho ningahlola kanjani futhi nizwe ubumnandi bezocansi uma okuphakathi kwemilenze kungekho etafuleni? Thola!"

Vala i-autopilot

Lapho uke waba nomlingani ofanayo isikhashana, kulula ukungena ocansini-i-autopilot - okuthi uma uke waba khona, uyazi ukuthi cishe ayisebenzi njengoba izwakala.

"Uma konke ukuhlangana ocansini onakho nomlingani wakho kufaka phakathi izikhundla ezimbili noma ezintathu ezifanayo, ungahle uphuthelwe ucansi obungazi ukuthi ungaluthokozela… futhi unciphise ubumnandi obuthola wena nomlingani wakho ndawonye," kusho uthisha wezocansi, uHaylin Belay, umxhumanisi wohlelo kwa-Girls Inc. NYC.

Ukwenza uhlu lwamabhakede wesimo sobulili:

• ukuba matasa kuwo wonke amagumbi asendlini yakho (sawubona, isiqhingi sasekhishini)
• ukuya ocansini ngesikhathi esehlukile sosuku
• engeza kuthoyizi
• ukugqoka ukulingisa

"Abanye abashadikazi bachitha iminyaka beya ocansini 'olungile' kuphela lapho bethola ukuthi umlingani wabo wayefuna ngasese zonke izinto ezifanayo abazenzayo, kodwa angazizwa ekhululekile ukukhuluma nganoma iyiphi yazo," uyanezela.

Khuluma ngezocansi ngemuva ubulili

Ukushintsha isiko lenu lokulandela ubukhazikhazi kungasiza ukugcina nina nobabili niseduze, futhi ngokuya nge-PGA (ukuhlaziywa kwangemuva komdlalo), kungasiza nokwenza ukuqhuma kwakho okulandelayo kube ngcono kakhulu, kusho isazi sezocansi uMegan Stubbs, EdD.

“Esikhundleni sokugingqika ukulala ngemuva kocansi, ngokuzayo xoxa ngokuthi ukuhlangana kwakho kuhambe kanjani. Thatha lesi sikhathi uzithokozise ngemuva kwakho bese uxoxa ngezinto ozithandile nangezinto ozokweqa (uma zikhona) ngesikhathi esizayo, ”kusho yena.

Vele, uStubbs uthi, kungcono ukuqala ngokukhokhela umlingani wakho-ebulelesi ukuncoma ngocansi osanda kuba nalo - kodwa ukuthembeka ngalokho ongakuthandi ngokuphelele kubalulekile, futhi.

Iziphakamiso nemibuzo ongayisebenzisa lapho ucela ushintsho:

• “Ngingakukhombisa ukuthi ingcindezi engakanani ngiyithanda…”
• "UX uzizwa emuhle kakhulu, ucabanga ukuthi ungenza okuningi kwalokho ngokuzayo?"
• "Ngizizwa ngisengozini ngokusho lokhu, kodwa…"
• "Ungazama lesi siphakamiso esikhundleni salokho?"
• Ake ngikubonise ukuthi ngiyithanda kangakanani. ”
• "Nginike isandla sakho, ngizokukhombisa."
• “Bheka ukuthi ngizithinta kanjani.”

"Ngincoma ukubonwa okuyisihlanu kothando esicelweni ngasinye soshintsho," kunezela uSari Cooper, umsunguli nomqondisi weCentre for Love and Sex in NYC.

Fundani ndawonye izincwadi zocansi “zokuzisiza”

Sifunda izincwadi zokuzisiza ngezimali zethu, ukwehlisa isisindo, ukukhulelwa, ngisho nokuhlukana. Ngakho-ke kungani ungazisebenzisi ukusiza ngezimpilo zethu zobulili?

Noma ngabe ukugxila kwakho kuvuselela impilo yakho yezocansi, ukufunda kabanzi nge-orgasm yabesifazane, ukufunda ukuthi i-heck i-G-spot ikuphi, kuvulwa yi-page-porn, noma ukufunda izikhundla ezintsha - kunencwadi yakho.

Futhi uqagele ini?

Ngokusho kocwaningo lwango-2016 olusuka kumagazini i-Sexual and Relationship Therapy, abesifazane abafunda izincwadi zokuzisiza futhi bafunde izinganekwane ezithandekayo zivusa inkanuko ngokwezibalo phakathi namasonto ayisithupha lapho kuziwa:

• isifiso sobulili
• ukuvuswa kocansi
• ukuthambisa
• ukwaneliseka
• ama-orgasms
• ukunciphisa ubuhlungu
• ukusebenza jikelele kocansi

Udinga iziphakamiso ezithile? Lezi zincwadi zizokusiza ukuthi uqale ukwakha umtapo wolwazi lwakho.

UPowell uphinde wancoma ukuqala ngokuthi “Woza Unjalo” ngu-Emily Nagoski, obhekana nezihloko ezinamanzi ezinjengokuthi owesifazane ngamunye unohlobo lwakhe olwahlukile lobulili, nokuthi isitho sowesifazane esinamandla kunabo bonke ubuchopho bakhe.

"Uza Kuqala" ngu-Ian Kerner naye akafinyeleli kusiko lakudala lezocansi.

Kepha uPowell uthi iningi lezitolo zocansi ezibandakanya ucansi lizoba namashelufu amabhuku ambalwa wezinto ezingavuleka.

Faka amathoyizi!

Enye indlela amaStubbs asiza ngayo imibhangqwana ukuhlola okungaziwa isikisela ukuthi bayithenge futhi bazame imikhiqizo emisha ndawonye.

"Amathoyizi ocansi ayizesekeli ezinhle ongazengeza esikhwameni sakho sezocansi, futhi ngokuhlukahluka okutholakalayo, uqinisekile ukuthola okuthile okusebenzisana nawe nomlingani wakho," kusho uStubbs. Lokho kungasho noma yini kusuka kudlidliza noma ipulagi le-butt, uwoyela wokubhucungwa umzimba, noma upende womzimba.

“Ungahambi ngokuthandwa, hamba ngokuthanda okukuthokozisayo. Ukubuyekeza kungasiza, kepha lalela wena, ”kukhumbuza uMolly Adler, uLCSW, ACS, umqondisi weSex Therapy NM kanye nomsunguli obambisene weSelf Serve, isikhungo semithombo yezocansi.

Ekuvuseleleni ubuhlobo bobulili "obufile"

Khuluma ngakho (kepha hhayi ekamelweni)

“Uma ubuhlobo 'bufile' ngokocansi, kungaba nezici eziningi ngesikhathi esisodwa lapho kudlalwa. Kodwa okunye okumangaza kakhulu empeleni kumele kungabi khona ukuxhumana, ”kusho uBaley.

“Isibonelo, omunye umuntu angahle acabange ukuthi umlingani wakhe weneliseke ngokuphelele ngocansi abanalo. Kodwa empeleni, abalingani babo bashiya isikhathi ngasinye lapho beya ocansini bezizwa benganelisekile futhi bekhungathekile. ”

“Kungakhathalekile ukuthi umuntu ushayela ngocansi noma yi-libido, kungenzeka ukuthi ngeke afune ucansi olungamletheli injabulo. Ukuvula imigqa emayelana nokuxhumana kungasiza ekuxazululeni imbangela eyinhloko ‘yegumbi lokulala elifile,’ noma ngabe ukuntuleka kwesasasa, ukucindezelwa kobudlelwano obuphakeme, ukulangazelela ezinye izinhlobo zokusondelana, noma ukuntuleka kwe-libido. ”

Iseluleko esivela kuShadeen Francis, MFT, owelapha ngocansi, umshado nomndeni:

• Ukuze ingxoxo iqhubeke, qala ngezinto ezinhle, uma ungazithola.
• Kuthiwani ngobudlelwano obunokuphila kubo?
• Ungakhula futhi wakhe kanjani kokusebenzayo?
• Uma unamathele, yenza i-aphoyintimenti nomelaphi wezocansi ongakusiza ekutholeni ulayini wobudlelwano bobudlelwano bakho.

Ukukhuluma ngeqiniso lokuthi awulwenzi ucansi ekamelweni kungangeza ungqimba lwengcindezi engadingekile kubo bobabili abalingani, yingakho uBaley ephakamisa ukuba nengxoxo ngaphandle kwegumbi lokulala.

Ukushaya indlwabu wedwa

"Ukushaya indlwabu kuhle empilweni yakho yomzimba nangokwengqondo futhi kungenye yezindlela ezingcono kakhulu zokufunda ngobulili bakho," kusho uCooper. "Ngikhuthaza nalabo abakhala nge-libido ephansi ukuthi bazame ukuzithokozisa, okugcina ubulili ezingqondweni zabo futhi kubasize baqinise ukuxhumana kwabo nemikhuba yabo yezocansi."

UCooper unezela ngokuthi ayikho indlela elungile noma engalungile yokushaya indlwabu. Noma usebenzisa izandla zakho, imicamelo, amanzi agobhozayo, izidlidlizi, noma amanye amathoyizi, wenza kahle.

Kepha noma ngabe unendlela oyithandayo yokuzama-neyiqiniso yokushaya indlwabu, ukunonga isikhathi sakho wedwa kungaholela ocansini oluhlukanisiwe.

Izeluleko zokushaya indlwabu zikaSari Cooper:

• Uma uhlala usebenzisa izandla zakho, zama ithoyizi.
• Uma uhlala ushaya indlwabu ebusuku, zama iseshini yasekuseni.
• Uma uhlala emhlane wakho, zama ukuphenya.

Lube phezulu

“Ngihlekisa ngokuthi ungalinganisa impilo yezocansi njenge-pre-and post-lube, kodwa ngiqonde ukuthi. ILube ingashintsha kakhulu imidlalo yemibhangqwana eminingi, ”kusho u-Adler.

Kunezizathu eziningi zokuthi owesifazane angathola ukoma kwesitho sangasese sowesifazane. Iqiniso ngukuthi noma uvulwe ngobuhlanya futhi ungacabanga kuphela ngocansi nalo muntu kuze kube phakade naphakade (noma ubusuku obubodwa nje) i-lube ingenza ukuhlangana kujabulise kakhulu.

Eqinisweni, isifundo esisodwa sabheka abesifazane abangu-2,451 nemibono yabo mayelana ne-lubricant. Abesifazane baphethe ngokuthi i-lube yenza kube lula kubo ukwenza i-orgasm, futhi bakhetha ucansi uma selumanzi kakhulu.

U-Adler ubala uhlu lwamaphilisi okulawula ukubeletha, ingcindezi, iminyaka, kanye nokoma emzimbeni njengezimbangela. Ukoma kwesitho sangasese sangasese nakho kungavela njengoba ukhula noma ungena esikhathini.

Uma uqala ukuthenga i-lube, u-Adler uphakamisa okulandelayo:

• Hlala kude nama-lubes asekelwe kuwoyela. Ngaphandle kokuthi usebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa futhi uzama ukukhulelwa noma uvikeleke ngenye indlela, gwema izithambisi ezisuselwa kuwoyela njengoba uwoyela ungadiliza i-latex kumakhondomu.
• Khumbula ukuthi ama-lubes asuselwa ku-silicone kungenzeka angahambisani namathoyizi asuselwa ku-silicone. Ngakho-ke gcina i-lube abicah kumathoyisi angewona awabicah, noma sebenzisa i-lubeicone-water hybrid lube.
• Bheka imikhiqizo eyi-glycerin futhi engenashukela. Zombili lezi zithako zingaguqula i-pH yesitho sakho sangasese futhi ziholele ezintweni ezinjengezifo zemvubelo.
• Khumbula ukuthi iningi lemikhiqizo yasendlini akuyona indawo enkulu ye-lube. Gwema imoto, i-conditioner, ibhotela, uwoyela womnqumo, i-petroleum jelly, namafutha kakhukhunathi, noma ngabe kunjalo kukhona kuyashelela.

Kubeke ekhalendeni lakho

Impela, ukuhlela ucansi kuvame ukuzuza ugh. Kepha yizwa amaStubbs aphume:

"Ngiyazi ukuthi abantu abaningi bacabanga ukuthi sekwephuzile noma kumosha isimo, kodwa maningi amathuba okuthi uma uhlale ungumshoshozeli futhi umlingani wakho ekuvalela… kungahle kube khona ukuphatheka kabi."

"Zisindise ekulahlweni nakumlingani wakho ngokuzizwa kabi ngokusho njalo ngokwenza uhlelo," kusho uStubbs. “Vumelanani ngemvamisa ezonisebenzela nobabili bese nisuka lapho. Njengoba uhlelo lukhona, uzothatha ukukhathazeka ngokwenqatshwa okuzayo etafuleni. Lesi yisimo sokunqoba. ”

Futhi, ukwazi ukuthi uzoya ocansini ngokuhamba kwesikhathi kuzokubeka engqondweni yezocansi usuku lonke.

Kepha yenza ucansi ngokwengeziwe, futhi

“Ngenkathi ukuhlela nokwenza isikhathi socansi kunempilo, eminye imibhangqwana ayiziniki inkululeko yokuya ocansini lapho kugadla imizwa ngenxa yezinto ezifana nohlu olungaphelele lwezinto okufanele zenziwe, noma umqondo wokuthi bamatasa kakhulu ukwenza izinto jabulela, ”kusho u-Adler.

Yingakho isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo kanye nobuchwepheshe bezobudlelwano uDanielle Forshee, i-PsyD, futhi sincoma ukuthi kube okuzenzakalelayo nokuthi uya ocansini nini, kanjani, futhi kuphi.

"Ukuya ocansini okuzenzekelayo kudala okusha ebuhlotsheni ubulili obuhleliwe obungenakubenza," kuchaza uForshee. “Qala ngokuthintana njalo nabesilisa nabesifazane ukuze usize ukudala leyo nhlansi yesikhashana. Futhi mhlawumbe kuzolandela ucansi olwenziwa ngasese. ”

Ekuhloleni ubulili bakho kamuva empilweni

Ungavumeli ilebula ikugcine ekuhloleni

"Abesifazane be-Cisgender babonisa ukuthanda ezocansi okuningi esikhathini sabo sokuphila," kusho uPowell. Eqinisweni, okutholakele okushicilelwe ngo-2016, ku-Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, kusikisela ukuthi bonke abesifazane, kumazinga ahlukahlukene, bavuswa abanye besifazane kumavidiyo avusa inkanuko.

Vele, akubona bonke abesifazane abavuswe abayoba nesifiso sokwenza lezo zimpendulo empilweni yangempela.

Kepha uma wenza kanjalo, uPowell uthi, “Vumela ukuhlola lezo zifiso zobulili. Ungazizwa unesidingo sokuthatha futhi wamukele inkambiso entsha yezocansi noma ubunikazi, uma lokho kungazizwa kukunika amandla. ”

Okufanele ukubalwe yimibiko yakamuva ekhombisa ukuthi ubungqingili bukhuphuka phakathi kwawo wonke umuntu, kubandakanya nabesilisa. Abaphenyi baphetha ngokuthi kungenzeka ukuthi kunamadoda amaningi abesilisa nabesifazane ngaphandle lapho ekuqaleni ayecatshangwa, kodwa ukuthi abakhulumi ngakho ngenxa yokwesaba ukwaliwa.

UJessica O'Reilly PhD, ophethe i- @SexWithDrJess podcast, uyanezela, "Bonke abantu banelungelo lokukhomba (noma lokungakhombi) nokuzama ngokuvumelana nokuqonda kwabo kobulili."

Zizungeze nabantu abasekela ukuhlola kwakho

“Ezocansi ziwuketshezi maqondana nokuheha, isifiso, ubulili, ubulili, intshisekelo, imingcele, amaphupho nokunye. Iyashintsha ngokuhamba kwesikhathi sokuphila futhi iyashintshashintsha kuye ngezimo zempilo. Noma ngabe uhlangabezana nani, kufanele uzizwe uqiniseka ngezifiso zakho futhi usekwe abangani, umndeni, nabanye abantu obathandayo, ”kusho u-O'Reilly.

Yingakho encoma ukufuna amaqembu asuselwa emphakathini ukuze asekelwe uma iqembu labangane bakho noma umndeni wakho ungazi ukuthi ungakusekela kanjani ukuhlola kwakho.

Izinsizakusebenza zokuthola ukwesekwa:

• Ngingcngce.org
• Umkhankaso Wamalungelo Abantu (HRC)
• Isikhungo Sezinsiza Zobulili Obubili
• Izinsizakusebenza ze-LGBTQ nokuxhaswa
• Iphrojekthi kaTrevor
• ITransgender American Veterans Association
• Omakadebona Amalungelo Abantu
• I-BIENESTAR
• Isikhungo Sikazwelonke Sezinsiza Ekugugeni Kwe-LGBT
• SAGE Advocacy & Services for LGBT Abadala
• UMathewu Shepard Foundation
• I-PFLAG
• INJABULO

UGabrielle Kassel udlala ibhola lombhoxo, ugijimisa udaka, uhlanganisa amaprotheni-smoothie, ulungiselela ukudla, iCrossFitting, umbhali wezempilo waseNew York. Usengumuntu wasekuseni, wazama inselelo ye-Whole30, wadla, waphuza, wageza, wahlikihla, wageza namalahle, konke lokhu kwenzeka egameni lobuntatheli. Ngesikhathi sakhe samahhala, angatholakala efunda izincwadi zokuzisiza, ecindezela ibhentshi, noma enza i-hygge. Mlandele ku-Instagram.