Yiba ne-Orgasm Emangazayo: Khuluma Ngayo

-Delile

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Noma ungakhuluma nomfana wakho mayelana noma yini, uma kukhulunywa ngocansi, ungazithola unamahloni futhi uboshwe ngolimi (kuzwakala kujwayelekile?). Ngemuva kwakho konke, ukubuza okufunayo ekamelweni lokulala kungabonakala kusabisa impela, ikakhulukazi uma ungazi ukuthi kuzokwamukelwa kanjani.

"Sivame ukuzithola sibhajwe ezinkingeni zocansi hhayi ngoba singazi ukuthi sifunani, kodwa ngoba asazi ukuthi sizokucela kanjani," kusho u-Emily Morse, isazi sezocansi, kanye nomethuli we-Sex With Emily podcast. Kodwa-ke, ukukhuluma ngocansi akumele kube yinto engathandeki noma engathandeki, kusho uMorse. Futhi kumayelana indlela ngaphezu kokukhululeka ngolimi olungcolile. Sebenzisa lawa macebiso ochwepheshe ukukusiza ekuxhumaneni kwakho nocansi-kanye ne-O enkulu, engcono.

Dilizani Izithiyo-Ngamazwi

Akuvamile ukuthi umlingani oyedwa ebudlelwaneni ashaye 'ukubhuleka ngokocansi' uma kukhulunywa ngokukhuluma ngokukhululekile ngocansi ndawonye, ​​kusho u-Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., umbhali we Woza Njengoba Unjalo: Isayensi Entsha Emangazayo Ezoguqula Impilo Yakho Yezocansi. Lokhu kungaba yiqiniso ikakhulukazi kwabesifazane, abangase bazizwe benamahloni ngobulili babo, noma besaba ukuxhumana ngokungaphelele, uthi.

Kulesi simo, isinyathelo sokuqala ukukhuluma ngakho. Qala ngombuzo olula: Yini esaba ukuthi izokwenzeka uma ukhuluma ngezocansi? Ukukhuluma ngokwesaba kwakho ngalokho okubambezele kwasekuqaleni kungakusiza ukuthi uthuthuke. (Uma usuwasho ngokuzwakalayo kumlingani wakho, angase angabonakali esabisa kakhulu noma engenangqondo phela.) Ngaphezu kwalokho, "zona kanye izinto ezivimbela ukuxhumana ekusebenzeni ziyizithiyo ezingenakugwenywa enjabulweni yobulili," kusho uNagoski. (Okulandelayo, hlola Izingxoxo Eziyisi-7 Okufanele Ube Nazo Ukuze Uphile Ngocansi Olunempilo.)

Isikhathi Nendawo Kubalulekile

Imibhangqwana eminingi icabanga ukuthi zonke izihloko zilungiswa kahle njengoba zivela, kusho uMorse. Futhi yize lokhu kungasebenza uma kukhulunywa ngezitsha ezingcolile, akunjalo maqondana nezocansi. Khetha izikhathi zakho ngokuhlakanipha, kusho uMorse. Futhi khumbula, "kungakhathaliseki ukuthi isihloko senkulumo yocansi, noma yiziphi izingxoxo ezihlobene nekamelo kufanele zenzeke kude kakhulu nekamelo, endaweni engathathi hlangothi njengekhishi noma igumbi lokuhlala," kusho uMorse. "Akufanele neze, zenzeke ngqo ngaphambi, ngqo ngemuva, noma ngesikhathi socansi!"

Umongo ongahlangene nocansi, ongenawo ingcindezi ubalulekile ikakhulukazi uma kukhulunywa ngento entsha ongase ube nentshisekelo yokuyizama, kusho uNagoski. Veza leyo ngxoxo ngokuzihlangula okufana nokuthi, "Kunento engingathanda ukuyizama futhi ngikhathazekile ngokuthi ungase usabele kanjani. Ngingathanda ukukhuluma ngakho, ngaphandle kwengcindezi," uyanezela. Futhi uma usemaphethelweni okwamukela le ngxoxo, ungayivali ngokushesha ingxoxo. "Kungenzeka ukuthi esimeni nomlingani wakho omethembayo ngempela, ungacabanga indlela engakusebenzela ngayo. Uma ikwenza, uthole okuthile okusha nokujabulisayo. Ukusabela kwakho kokuqala akusikho lokho, "kusho uNagoski.

Ukuxhumana Akusho Ukukhuluma Ngokudingekile

Uma kukhulunywa ngokukhuluma ngesikhathi sesenzo uqobo, kulungile impela ukuxhumana ngaphandle kwamagama, inqobo nje uma kunokucaca, kusho uNagoski. Nakuba abanye abantu bezizwa bekhululeke ngokuphelele ukuthi ‘kakhudlwana’, ‘ngokushesha’, noma ukusebenzisa amagama esitho sangasese, zikhona nezinye izinhlelo zokuxhumana ezisebenzayo. Ukuthi lokho kuza nesistimu yezinombolo (okungukuthi "Uma ngithi 'isishiyagalolunye' ungami") noma ukukhanya okubomvu, ukukhanya okuphuzi, isistimu yokukhanya okuluhlaza, ukhiye uwukuba nengxoxo kusengaphambili.

Ungabi nomuzwa wokuthi udinga ukukuxazulula konke ngokushesha, noma-uzothola indlela yakho yokuxhumana efanelekile ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Okufanelekile, akufanele kuthathe isikhathi eside ukuthi umlingani wakho afunde umehluko phakathi kwakho 'Ngikungene ngempela kulokhu kububula kanye nokububula kwakho kokuthi' Ngibhorekile '.

Kugcine Kuhle

Akunandaba ukuthi ubuhlobo bakho bungathembakala kangakanani, ubulili buzohlala bungaba yindaba ethinta inhliziyo. Ngakho-ke ngenkathi ungafanele ushukela imizwa yakho, khumbula ukugcizelela okuhle. "Beka ukugcizelela kulokho umlingani wakho akwenzayo kahle," kusho uMorse. "Gcina ingxoxo ingelona icala ngokunamathela ezitatimendeni ezithi 'Mina' esikhundleni sokuthi 'Wena' (okungukuthi, 'Ngicabanga ukuthi bekungaba mnandi ngempela uma uzama ukungehlisa isithunzi' uma uqhathanisa nokuthi, 'Awulokothi ungehlisele phansi'). "

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