Indlela Yokuba Nobudlelwano Obunempilo bePolyamorous

-Delile

• Akusona Isimo "sendlela eyodwa noma umgwaqo omkhulu"
• Akugcini Ngocansi
• Kodwa Ucansi luyangena
• Kodwa Qaphela...
• Ungase Ufune Ukuzikhulula
• Eminye Imikhuba Engcono Kakhulu
• Buyekeza kwe-

Ngenkathi kunzima ukusho impela bangaki abantu ababamba iqhaza ebudlelwaneni be-polyamorous (okungukuthi, obubandakanya ukuba nabalingani abangaphezu koyedwa), kubonakala sengathi kuyanda-noma, okungenani, ukuthola isikhathi sayo ekukhanyeni. Ngokocwaningo lukazwelonke lwe-Avvo.com kusukela ngoJuni 2015, cishe amaphesenti angu-4 abantu base-US bayavuma ukuthi basebudlelwaneni obuvulekile, obulingana nabantu abangaba yizigidi ezingu-12.8. Yebo, izigidi. Ngakho-ke uma uzithola ufisa ukwazi nge-polyamory, nokuthi ungaba kanjani nobudlelwano obunempilo be-polyamorous, yazi ukuthi awuwedwa-futhi funda ukuze uthole amathiphu abaluleke kakhulu ochwepheshe abathi wonke umuntu kufanele awazi. (Okuhlobene: Izinto Ezi-8 Amadoda Afisa Abesifazane Bazazi Ngocansi)

Akusona Isimo "sendlela eyodwa noma umgwaqo omkhulu"

Okokuqala, kunezinhlobo eziningi ezahlukene zobudlelwano be-polyamorous, ngakho-ke kubalulekile ukwazi kahle ukuthi buyini. "I-Polyamory yisimo senhliziyo evulekile kanye nomqondo ovulekile mayelana nokuba nobudlelwane obuningi ngesikhathi esisodwa," kusho u-Anya Trahan, umqeqeshi wobudlelwane nombhali wezincwadi. Ukuvula Uthando: Ubudlelwano obenziwe ngamabomu kanye ne-Evolution of Consciousness. "Ukusondelana kungase kusho ucansi nokuxhumana kwezothando, noma kungasho ukuxhumana okujulile ngokomzwelo noma ngokomoya."

Lowo mqondo ovulekile uyisihluthulelo sobudlelwano obuphumelelayo be-polyamorous-futhi mhlawumbe kungani abantu abaningi manje bevuma ukuthi okungenani bazame ngakho. “Abantu abaningi emhlabeni wonke sebehlakanipha [emcabangweni] wokuthi uthando aluboshwe ubulili,” kusho uTrahan. Lapho lokho kwenzeka, “siqala ukungabaza ezinye izinto ezibhekwa ‘njengezivamile,’ njengombono wokuthi ukuphela kwendlela yokuba nobuhlobo obuseduze obunempilo phakathi kwabantu ababili kuphela.

Okungukuthi, uma uyeka ukucabanga ngakho, kungenza umqondo omkhulu kumuntu. Cishe ngamaphesenti angama-38 emishado ephela ngesehlukaniso kusukela ngo-2000 kuya ku-2014, ngokusho kweCDC, uTrahan uthi abantu abaningi banweba imibono yabo, ngomqondo ongokomfanekiso. No-Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., umxhumanisi wezobudlelwano nombhali we I-Polyamorists Next Door: Ngaphakathi kobudlelwane bozakwethu abaningi kanye nemindeni, ithi kuyindlela yokuthi abantu banelise izidingo zabo ezingokomzwelo nezingokwenyama. "Uhlangabezana nezidingo eziningi, nezidingo ezahlukahlukene zahlangatshezwa nabalingani abahlukene," usho kanje.

Akugcini Ngocansi

Nakuba kulula ukufinyelele esiphethweni sokuthi abantu abasebudlelwaneni be-polyamorous bathanda ukuba nokuhlangenwe nakho okuningi okuhlukahlukene kocansi ngangokunokwenzeka, bobabili u-Sheff no-Trahan bathi ngokuvamile akunjalo. "Abezindaba bathambekele ekuvezeni ipolitiki ngendlela ehlaba umxhwele, ngeshwa igxile kancane emdlalweni nakwezocansi," kusho uTrahan. "Kodwa abantu abaningi engibaziyo bangabantu abathanda izinto zokomoya kakhulu, abantu abanozwelo nabaholi abanonembeza emphakathini wabo." USheff uyavuma, eqaphela ukuthi labo abenza i-polyamory bavame ukunxanela ngaphezu kocansi ebudlelwaneni. Ngenkathi abantu abavame ukuba yingxenye yomphakathi oguqukayo, ngokwesibonelo, bagxile kakhulu ekwaneliseni ngokomzimba, usho kanjalo. (Ubuwazi ukuthi Abesifazane Bangathola Nawo Amabhola Aluhlaza?)

Futhi kwesinye isikhathi ucansi alungeni nhlobo, kusho uTrahan. "Abaningi bahlobene ngokomzwelo noma ngokomoya, okusho ukuthi bahlanganyela ebudlelwaneni obujulile obuningi ngaphandle kocansi," kuchaza yena. Kumane ukuxhuma nomunye umuntu ongethembela kuye ngempela, futhi ubeke phambili ubuhlobo bakho nabo, ngaphandle kokuthi ukhathazeke ngokuthi une-orgasm yini, kusho uSheff.

Kodwa Ucansi luyangena

Vele, labo abakhomba njenge-polyamorous kwesinye isikhathi baba nobudlelwano bezocansi nomuntu ongeyena umlingani wabo oyinhloko, kusho uSheff. Nakuba kungabhekwa njengokukopela, lokho akusho ukuthi ayikho imithetho. "Ukuxhumana ngokuvumelana nangokuthembeka kuyadingeka ngaso sonke isikhathi," kusho uTrahan. Futhi iTara Fields, Ph.D., owelapha umshado nombhali we Ukulungiswa Kothando: Lungisa futhi Ubuyisele Ubudlelwano Bakho Njengamanje, ithi kubalulekile ukusetha imingcele nomlingani wakho wamanje ngaphambi kokuhlola, njengoba nobabili kungenzeka ukuthi anikho ekhasini elilodwa mayelana nokuthi yini elungile nengalungile, futhi lokho kungenza ubuhlobo bube muncu ngokushesha. “Konke kumayelana nokwethembana, futhi nobabili nidinga ukuba nentshisekelo efanayo, nibe nelukuluku lokwazi, futhi nizimisele ukukuzama,” usho kanje. Ngakho ukuphendula imibuzo ebalulekile enjengokuthi, "Kwenzekani uma uqala ukuthandana nomunye umuntu?" noma "Kufanele kubandakanyeke malini ozakwethu ezinganeni zethu (uma unazo)?" kumele kuxoxiswane konke futhi kuvunyelwane ngakho ngaphambi kokuthi noma ngubani aqhubekele phambili, usho kanje.

Ukuvikelwa nakho kubaluleke kakhulu kwabenza izinto eziningi, kusho uSheff. "Banakekela kakhulu ngokuhlola nokwazi isimo sabo, ngokuba phezulu kakhulu ekusebenziseni izithiyo [zokulawula inzalo], futhi beza nezindlela zobumnandi nezobuciko zokwenza lezo zithiyo zibe zithandekayo futhi zithakazelise," usho kanje. Ngakho-ke vikela impilo yakho yezocansi ngokuqaphela ngokuhlola bese ucela ophathina bakho ukuthi benze okufanayo, bese nibonisana imiphumela yenu. (Nakhu ukuthi ungabuza kanjani umlingani wakho uma enesivivinyo se-STD.) Lokhu kufanele kwenziwe noma nini lapho umlingani omusha ethulwa noma yimuphi umuntu, kusho uSheff, njengoba izimo zingashintsha abantu bengazi.

Kodwa Qaphela...

Iphutha elivamile abantu abalenzayo lapho bevula ubudlelwano babo ne-polyamory ukucabanga ukuthi kuzolungisa noma yiziphi izinkinga onazo njengamanje nomlingani wakho. “Uma ubudlelwano buphukile, ukwengeza abantu abaningi ngeke kusize,” kusho uSheff. "Uma ungajabule ngempela, kuyindlela yokwenza inhlekelele futhi kungcono ukuphuma ebudlelwaneni uqhubekele ezintweni ezintsha kunokuba ubambe isilondolozi sempilo." Kungani? USheff uthi ngenxa yokuthi ubudlelwano be-polyamorous budinga ukwethembeka nokukhulumisana okungapheli-izinto ezimbili ezivame ukuvalwa lapho ubudlelwane bunzima - kudinga ukuthi ubhekane nezinkinga zakho. Futhi uma ungakhululekile ukwenza lokho nomlingani oyedwa, ngakho-ke akulungile ukuletha umuntu wesithathu ekuxubeni.

"Kubalulekile ukwazi umehluko phakathi kokuthi 'nali ithuba lokukhula futhi singaphuma siqine futhi sijabule ngakolunye uhlangothi' futhi 'lobu budlelwano bumisiwe futhi abuzukuthuthuka," usho kanje. "Kunzima, kodwa kuyinto edinga ukwenziwa ngoba i-polyamory ihlikihla ubuso bakho ngqo ezindabeni zakho."

Esinye isizathu hhayi ukugxumela ku-polyamory okwamanje: Awuqinisekile ukuthi ngabe yilokho okufunayo ngempela. “Kumele uzazi imingcele yakho kungenjalo abantu bazokhuluma nawe ezintweni ongafuni ukuzenza,” kusho uSheff. Uma umlingani wakho efuna ukuba yipolitiki, kepha wena ungafuni, sekuyisikhathi sokuhlaziya ubuhlobo. Ungacindezelwa uma ungekho kukho.

Ngaphambi kokuntywila, uSheff uphakamisa ukuthi uzibuze le mibuzo: "Kuzwakala kanjani ukwazi ukuthi umlingani wami udlala ngothando nomunye umuntu?" "Ingabe ngikhululekile ukuzibandakanya ocansini nomuntu futhi ngiqonde ukuthi akukhona-futhi okufanayo kumlingani wami?" futhi "Ingabe lokhu kuphambana nanoma yiziphi izinkolelo zami eziyinhloko noma imibono engokomoya?"

Ungase Ufune Ukuzikhulula

Ngenxa yokuthi i-polyamory ivamise ukutshala imali ngokomzwelo, u-Sheff uthi kungase kube ukuhlakanipha ukuzichaza ngokuthi u-monogam-ish lapho uqala. "IPolyamory itshela abanye abantu ukuthi ubheke ukuthandana nabanye abantu, kepha uma uqala ukuhlola kungenzeka nje ufune ukuthola ukuthi ngabe ukungakusebenzeli umuntu oyedwa kuyakusebenzela yini," esho. "Lolo hlobo lwesisho, i-monogam-ish, lwenza abantu bazi, 'Hhayi, ngibheka lokhu futhi angazi ukuthi ngenzani,' ngakho-ke bangatshalwa imali ngokomzwelo ngaso leso sikhathi, noma . "

Ngemuva kwalokho, khuluma ngakho nomlingani wakho wamanje ukubona ukuthi ngabe bavulelekile yini emcabangweni ngaphambi kokwenza noma yini, kusho uFilds. Ngaphandle kwalokho, noma ngabe uthini, kuzohlangana njengokukhohlisa. Futhi uma bengapholile ngayo, kuzodingeka ukuthi usuke kumqondo noma uhambe kude nomlingani wakho, usho kanjalo. UTrahan uyanezela ukuthi, ngaleso sikhathi, kungakuhle kuwe ukulandela i-poly njengomuntu ongashadile.

Ukwenza isihloko, uSheff uthi kubalulekile ukuqala ngokuqinisekiswa. Ukusho into enjengokuthi, "Babe, ngifuna wazi ukuthi ngiyakuthanda, ngikuthola ufiseleka futhi ngikhangwa nguwe, futhi ngijabule ngobudlelwano bethu," kumtshela kusenesikhathi ukuthi akukhona ukungajabuli ngalokho. onakho njengamanje-futhi uma ungacacisa, kungcono. Bese wenza kucace ukuthi ufuna nje khuluma ngakho, ukuthi awukenzi lutho, futhi usengakwethemba.

Eminye Imikhuba Engcono Kakhulu

Thola ukuthi hlobo luni lobudlelwano be-polyamorous olifunayo. Incazelo eyodwa evela komunye umbhangqwana ingahluka ngokuphelele kweyomunye, kusho uTrahan Polyfidelity, ngokwesibonelo, kusho ukuthi wonke amalungu athathwa njengabalingani abalinganayo abahlala bethembekile komunye nomunye. Abanye bakhetha ukuba "namanethiwekhi asondelene kakhulu," lapho abathandi "babizwa" njengamabanga aphansi, aphezulu noma aphezulu, kuya ngezinga lokuzibophezela elibandakanyekayo. Bese kuba nesiphithiphithi sobudlelwano, lapho unobudlelwano obuvuleleke abaningi, kodwa ungabulebuli noma ungabubeki ezingeni.

Funda. "Kunezincwadi eziningi ezinhle laphaya nge-polyamory, njengazo Okuvulekile konke futhi Umshintshi Wegeyimu," kusho uSheff. "Kukhona namamanyuwali ongazihlola kanye namaqembu okusekela ku-inthanethi angasiza ekuphenduleni noma yimiphi imibuzo onayo." I-Fields iphinde isikisele ukufuna isiqondiso kumeluleki, okungcono kakhulu onolwazi futhi osebenza naye njalo. izithandani ezithanda ucansi.USheff, ongomunye walaba beluleki, uthi ungathola uhla lochwepheshe kwiNational Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Setha imingcele yakho. Kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi nobabili nizizwa kanjani ngezimo ezithile, kusho uTrahan, ngakho-ke sihlanganisa izihloko ezinjengokuthi umlingani wakho uthola lwazi olungakanani-nokuthi baluthola nini (ingabe bafuna ukuninika imvume ngaphambili, bazi ngalo ngemuva nje kokuthi kwenzeke, noma ungafuni nhlobo ukwazi inqobo nje uma ungekho engozini?) kuyisihluthulelo sempumelelo. Ezinye izihloko: Uma kulungile ukuthi omunye umuntu ngaphandle kwakho enze ucansi embhedeni wakho; uma ama-sleepovers alungile; ngubani ongambona nongakwazi ukumbona (ngabe ama-exes awanamkhawulo?); futhi uma unama-akhawunti asebhange ahlukene owasebenzisela izimali ezihilelekile nabanye abantu (ukuhamba ngezinsuku, amaholide, njll).

Funda njaloy ukuxoxisana kabusha. Ubudlelwano obunamandla obusebenzelayo akuvamile ukuba buphele kulokho obukuphuphile noma obukucabangayo, kusho uSheff, ngakho-ke gcina umqondo ovulekile. Futhi uma uzongena kulokhu nozakwethu oyinhloko, uFields uthi hlalani nihlolana njengoba nithatha izinyathelo ezintsha. “Ngenxa yokuthi uvulelekile ekuhloleni akusho ukuthi uzokhululeka ngazo zonke izici umlingani wakho akuzo, noma okumele uzilandele,” usho kanje. "Yenzani lokho okunenza nikhululeke nobabili, ngenani, bese nixoxa ngokulandelayo. Uma omunye wenu eqala ukukhathazeka, bese nikhuluma ngokukulungele nobabili."

Thembeka. Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi lokho kuwukuvuma imizwa yesikhwele, ukuthi unesithakazelo kumuntu ongenaso isiqiniseko sokuthi umlingani wakho ulungile, noma ukuthi akukusebenzeli—kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani, bonke ochwepheshe bayavuma ukuthi ukukhulumisana njalo, nokwethembeka kuyadingeka. ngobuhlobo obuphumelelayo be-polyamorous. "Kunzima emoyeni, futhi kukwenza ubhekane nezinkinga zakho," kusho uSheff. Noma ngabe unamathela ku-polyamory noma cha, ukwakha lo mkhuba kusho ukuthi kunamathuba okukhula futhi ube nobudlelwano obuqotho kakhulu, obuseduze kakhulu kunangaphambili.

Buyekeza kwe-