Ukuhlala nozakwethu omusha ngemuva kokuhlukunyezwa

-Delile

• Uvalo olusalayo
• Ukuthola izimpendulo
• Izifundo ezivela ekuhlukumezeni
• Ukuqala phansi
• Ngingalutholaphi usizo?

Umoya wesithandwa sami wawusaphila emzimbeni wami, ubangela ukwethuka nokwesaba lapho kucasulwa okuncane.

Isexwayiso: Le ndatshana iqukethe izincazelo zokuhlukumeza ezingacasula. Uma wena noma othile omaziyo ebhekene nodlame lwasekhaya, usizo luyatholakala. Shayela Inombolo Yocingo Yodlame Lwasekhaya Kazwelonke ku-24/7 ku-1-800-799-SAFE ukuthola ukwesekwa okuyimfihlo.

NgoSepthemba 2019, isoka lami leminyaka emi-3 langisekela ekhoneni, langikhwaza ebusweni, langishaya ngekhanda. Ngawa phansi, ngakhala.

Waguqa masinyane, wacela intethelelo.

Lokhu kwakwenzeke izikhathi eziningi ngaphambili. Lesi sikhathi sasihlukile.

Ngaleso sikhathi, ngangazi ukuthi ngangingeke ngiphinde ngibeke izaba ngaye. Ngamxosha eflethini lethu ngalolo suku.

Anginaso isiqiniseko sokuthi kungani lokho kwaba ekugcineni okwenzile. Mhlawumbe kwakungenxa yokuthi ukukhishwa ekhanda kwakukusha: Wayejwayele ukubambelela ngezibhakela.

Mhlawumbe kwakungenxa yokuthi ngangiqale ngasese ukufunda ngobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo, ngizama ukuthola ukuthi ngabe yilokho okwakwenzeka kimi. Uma ngibheka emuva, ngicabanga ukuthi bengilokhu ngakha kuze kube yilowo mzuzu isikhathi eside, futhi lolo suku luvele lwangicindezela ngaphesheya.

Kuthathe izinyanga eziningi ukusebenza kanzima ekwelashweni ukuthola umbono. Ngabona ukuthi bengihlala ngokwesaba njalo iminyaka ecishe ibe ngu-2 selokhu saqala ukuhlala ndawonye.

Ukwelashwa kwangisiza ukuba ngiqonde amaphethini engangiwele kuwo. Ngabona ukuthi ngifuna ngqo abantu empilweni yami "abadinga usizo." Laba bantu bese beqhubeka nokusizakala ngemvelo yami yokuzidela. Kwesinye isikhathi abantu bakusebenzisa ngendlela ebi kakhulu.

Ngokuyinhloko, ngangiphathwa njengomnyango wokuzivikela emnyango.

Ngangingenacala ukuthi ngangiphathwa kanjani, kodwa ukwelashwa kwangisiza ngavuma ukuthi nganginombono ongenampilo wokuthi ubuhlobo kufanele bube kanjani.

Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ngaqhubeka futhi ngaqala ukuphola futhi. Bengifuna ukuzikhumbuza ukuthi kunabantu ngaphandle abangafani naye. Ngizijwayeze ukwenza izinqumo ezinempilo nokukhomba uhlobo lwabantu engifuna ukuba nabo, kunokuba ngithole abantu "abangidingayo".

Angikaze ngihlose ukungena kobunye ubudlelwano, kepha njengoba kwenzeka kaningi, ngahlangana nomuntu omangazayo lapho ngangingaqondile nokubheka.

Izinto zihambe ngokushesha, yize ngenze isiqiniseko sokuthi ngithathe isitokwe esikhulu sokuthi ngenza amaphutha afanayo njengakuqala noma cha. Ngathola, kaninginingi, ukuthi ngangingeyona.

Ngamenza wazi okwedlule kwami ​​ngosuku lwethu lokuqala, usuku olwaqhubeka ngaphezu kwamahora angama-24.

Umngani wami omkhulu wayethumela imiyalezo ngezikhathi ezithile ukuze aqiniseke ukuthi ngikahle, futhi ngangimqinisekisa ukuthi ngizizwa ngiphephile. Usuku lwami langibuza, ngihlekisa, uma ngabe umngani wami ubengibheka. Ngathi yebo, ngachaza nokuthi uvikela kancane ukwedlula iningi ngenxa yobudlelwano bami bokugcina.

Kwakusekuqaleni ukuthi ngimtshele ngesinqandamathe sami esasihlukumeza, kodwa ngazizwa nginesilinganiso esihle sobuntu bakhe. Ungicele ukuthi ngimazise uma kukhona akwenzile engahlosile okungenze ngazizwa ngingakhululekile.

Lapho ukuvala kuqala, sathuthela ndawonye. Enye indlela yayiwedwa ngokuphelele isikhathi esingaziwa.

Ngenhlanhla, kuhambe kahle. Engingakulindele ukuhlukumezeka kwami ​​kwangaphambilini ukuphakamisa ikhanda.

Uma ukhathazekile ngelungu lomndeni noma umngani, bhekela izimpawu ezithile ezibalulekile ezingakhombisa ukuthi basebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo futhi badinga usizo. Lokhu kufaka phakathi:

• ukuhoxa nokwenza izaba zokungaboni abangane noma umndeni noma ukwenza izinto abake bazenza (lokhu kungaba yinto umhlukumezi ayilawulayo)
• babonakala bekhathazekile eduze komlingani wabo noma besaba umlingani wabo
• ukuba nemihuzuko noma ukulimala okuvamile abalala ngakho noma abakwazi ukukuchaza
• ukufinyelela okulinganiselwe emalini, kumakhadi esikweletu, noma emotweni
• okukhombisa umehluko owedlulele ebuntwini
• ukuthola izingcingo ezivamile ezivela komunye obalulekile, ikakhulukazi izingcingo ezidinga ukuthi zingene noma ezibenze babonakale bekhathazekile
• ukuba nomlingani onentukuthelo, onomona kalula, noma othanda izinto kakhulu
• izingubo ezingahle zifihle imihuzuko, njengamahembe ezinemikhono emide ehlobo

Ukuthola eminye imininingwane, bheka umhlahlandlela wethu wezinsizakusebenza zodlame lwasekhaya noma uthinte Inombolo Kazwelonke Yodlame Lwasekhaya.

Uvalo olusalayo

Kube nezinkomba zokwesaba okudala okuqhamuka ngaphambi kokuthi sihlalisane, kepha kwacaca ukuthi kwenzakalani lapho besichitha sonke isikhathi sethu sindawonye.

Ngangike ngazizwa ngingahlaliseki kancane phambilini, kodwa kwakulula kakhulu ukuxubha leyomizwa yokukhathazeka ne-paranoia ngenkathi ingenzeki nsuku zonke. Lapho sesihlalisene, ngabona ukuthi kufanele ngikhulume nesoka lami ngalokho okwakwenzeka kimi.

Ukwesaba nokuzivikela okwakuyinto yami ne-ex yami kwakusekhona ekujuleni kwengqondo nomzimba wami.

Isoka lami elisha liyikho konke obekungeyona i-ex yami, futhi belingangibeki umunwe kimi. Noma kunjalo, ngezinye izikhathi ngiphendula sengathi kungenzeka.

Ngisalungiselelwe ukukholelwa ukuthi noma ikuphi ukukhungatheka noma ukucasula kozakwethu kungaba yintukuthelo nodlame olubhekiswe kimi. Ngicabanga ukuthi kukhuliswe iqiniso lokuthi sihlala efulethini engake ngahlanganyela nalo owayengihlukumeza, njengoba ngenze konke okusemandleni ami ukwenza amakamelo azizwe ehlukile.

Yizinto ezingasile ezibuyisa le mizwa - izinto okungekho muntu okufanele azithukuthelele ngazo.

Umuntu engangihamba naye wayezowasebenzisa njengezaba zokungenisa ukukhungatheka nolaka olukuye. Futhi kimi, lokho kwakusho ukuthi kufanele ngesabe.

Ngelinye ilanga lapho isoka lami lingqongqoza emnyango ngemva komsebenzi, ngashaywa uvalo ngokuphelele. I-ex yami ibijwayele ukungithukuthelela uma ngingawuvuli umnyango uma ithumela umyalezo ithi isendleleni egodukayo.

Ngaxolisa kaninginingi, on the verts of tears. Isoka lami lichithe imizuzu emining lingehlisa umoya futhi lingiqinisekisa ukuthi alidinwe ukuthi angivulanga umnyango.

Lapho isoka lami elisha lingifundisa i-jiu jitsu, langicindezela ezihlakaleni. Bengikade ngihleka futhi ngenza konke okusemandleni ami ukumphonsa, kepha leso sikhundla esithile singenze ngaba yiqhwa.

Kwakukhumbuza kakhulu ukuthi ucindezelwe phansi futhi wamemeza nge-ex yami, into ebengikukhohliwe ngayo kuze kube yileso sikhathi. Inkumbulo ingaba isimanga kanjalo, icindezele ukuhlukumezeka.

Isoka lami libuke ubuso bami obethukile futhi langidedela ngokushesha. Bese engibamba ngenkathi ngikhala.

Ngesinye isikhathi, sasidlala silwa ngemuva kokubhaka, sisongelana ngokugcobana ngenhlama yekhukhi eshiywe esipuni sokhuni. Ngangihleka futhi ngivika isipuni esinamathelayo ngaze ngabuyela emuva ekhoneni.

Ngavele ngagodola, washeshe wabona ukuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle. Ukudlala kwethu kumile ngesikhathi engikhipha ngobumnene ekhoneni. Ngaleso sikhathi, umzimba wami wezwa sengathi ngibuyele esimweni ebengingeke ngisiphunyuke, ngibuyele lapho nginokuthile obekufanele ngikubalekele kusuka.

Kunezibonelo eziningi zezehlakalo ezifanayo - izikhathi lapho umzimba wami wasabela ngokwemvelo entweni ethile eyayisho ingozi. Kulezi zinsuku, anginakho engikwesabayo, kodwa umzimba wami uyakhumbula lapho kwenzeka.

Ukuthola izimpendulo

Ngikhulumile no-Ammanda Major, umeluleki wezobudlelwano, owelapha ngocansi, kanye neNhloko Yezemitholampilo Yokuzijwayeza eRelate, umhlinzeki omkhulu wase-UK wokusekelwa kobudlelwano, ukuzama ukuqonda ukuthi kungani lokhu kwenzeka.

Uchaze ukuthi “ifa lokuhlukunyezwa emakhaya lingaba likhulu. Abasindile bavame ukusala nezinkinga zokuthembana, futhi kwezinye izimo bangase babe ne-PTSD, kodwa ngosizo lobuchwepheshe bungalawulwa kaningi futhi abantu bakwazi ukubhekana nakho. ”

“Enye yezinto ezibalulekile zokuqhubekela phambili ukukwazi ukubona nokucela izidingo zakho ukuthi kuhlangatshezwane nazo, ngoba ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo izidingo zakho azaziwa ngokuphelele,” kusho uMajor.

Ngisho nangokwelapha, kungaba yinselele kulabo abaphuma ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo ukubona izimpawu zokuxwayisa lapho iphethini efanayo iqala ukwenzeka futhi.

“Kungenzeka ukuba nobudlelwano obuhle nobunempilo, kodwa abaningi abasindile bazobanzima ukwenza ukuxhumana okunempilo futhi baxhumane nezidingo zabo. Bangathola ukuthi badonseleka kwabanye abantu okuvela ukuthi bayabahlukumeza ngoba sekuyinto abayijwayele, ”kusho uMajor.

Ngezinye izikhathi, abasindile abafuni ukubeka engcupheni ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi ukuhlukunyezwa kungenzeka konke futhi.

“Kwesinye isikhathi abasindile abakwazi ukuzibona sebethandana futhi. Konke kumayelana nokwethembana, futhi lokho kwethemba sekwephuliwe, ”kusho uMajor.

Okubalulekile ukuthi ufunde ukuthi ungubani, ikakhulukazi uma uwedwa.

UMajor uthi "Yize ubudlelwano obusha bungaphilisa ngokumangazayo kwabanye abantu, indlela esemqoka yokuthatha futhi indlela eyinhloko yokuqhubekela phambili ukuzama ukuthola ukuthi ungubani wena uqobo, kunokuba ube isisetshenziswa kumhlukumezi wakho."

Izifundo ezivela ekuhlukumezeni

Izimpendulo zami akuzona zonke ezimangazayo ngemuva kokuchitha iminyaka engu-2 njalo emaphethelweni. Uma i-ex yami icasulwa yinoma ngubani noma yini, kungaba yimina osola.

Noma umlingani wami omusha akafani neze nomdala wami, ngiyazilungiselela ukusabela okufanayo. Ukusabela okungekho umlingani onothando, ozinzile abengaba nakho.

UMajor uyachaza, "Yilokho esikubiza ngokuthi yimpendulo ehlukumezekile. Kungubuchopho obukutshela ukuthi wake wahlangabezana nalokhu phambilini, ukuthi ungaba sengozini. Konke kuyingxenye yenqubo yokululama, njengoba ubuchopho bakho bungazi ekuqaleni ukuthi uphephile. ”

Lezi zinyathelo zingaqala inqubo yokwelashwa futhi zisize ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana:

• Thola owelapha ogxile ekuhlukunyezweni kwasekhaya.
• Zijwayeze izindlela zokuphefumula ukuze uhlale uzolile lapho izinto ziba nzima.
• Funda ukuthi ungahlala kanjani phansi futhi wethule ngesikhathi sezimo ezinzima.
• Bona futhi ucele izidingo zakho ukuthi zihlangatshezwe kubo bonke ubudlelwano bakho.
• Chaza izimbangela zakho kumlingani wakho ukuze zikulungele.

"Kwenza umehluko omkhulu uma umlingani wakho omusha ekwazi ukuchaza, aqonde futhi asekele," kusho uMajor. "Ngokubeka okuhlangenwe nakho okusha esikhundleni sezindala, ezihlukumezayo, ekugcineni ubuchopho bungathola ukuthi lezi zimo azibonisi ubungozi."

Ukuqala phansi

Ngifunda kancane ukuthi ngiphephile futhi.

Ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho isoka lami lithukuthela izinto ezincane futhi alikhiphi ukucasuka kwalo kimi ngokuhlukumeza, amagama angenamusa, noma ubudlova obungokomzimba, ngiphumula kancane.

Noma ingqondo yami ihlale yazi ukuthi isoka lami alifani neze ne-ex yami, nomzimba wami ufunda kancane ukwethemba. Futhi njalo lapho enza okuthile okungihlosile engahlosile, njengokubuyela emuva ekhoneni noma ukungiphonsa phansi ngemuva kwempi enomdlandla othile, uyaxolisa futhi afunde kukho.

Uzonginika isikhala uma ngingafuni ukuthintwa ngalowo mzuzu, noma angibambe kuze kushaye izinga lokushaya kwenhliziyo yami kwehle kwejwayelekile.

Impilo yami yonke yehlukile manje. Angisasebenzisi isikhathi ngasinye sokuvuka ngincenga omunye umuntu ngokwesaba ukushintsha kwemizwa yakhe. Ngezikhathi ezithile noma kunjalo, umzimba wami usacabanga ukuthi ubuyile nomhlukumezi wami.

Lapho sengikunqume ngokuphelele empilweni yami, ngangicabanga ukuthi ngiphilile.Ngangazi ukuthi ngizoba nomsebenzi okufanele ngiwenze kimi, kodwa bengingalindeli ukuthi isipoki senkosikazi yami sisahlala emzimbeni wami, sibange ukwethuka nokwesaba lapho kucasulwa okuncane.

Kungenzeka ukuthi bengingalindele ukuthi ukwesaba kwami ​​okungazi lutho kuzokhulisa ikhanda labo, kodwa kuya ngokuya kuba ngcono.

Njengokwelashwa, ukwelashwa kuthatha umsebenzi. Ukuxhaswa nguzakwethu onomusa, onakekelayo, noqondayo kwenza uhambo lube lula kakhulu.

Ngingalutholaphi usizo?

Kunezinsizakusebenza eziningi zabantu abake bahlukunyezwa. Uma uhlangabezana nokuhlukunyezwa, qiniseka ukuthi kuphephile ukuthi ufinyelele kulezi zinsiza kukhompyutha yakho noma ifoni yakho.

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UBethany Fulton ungumbhali nomhleli ozimele ozinze eManchester, e-United Kingdom.