Ingabe Ubudlelwano Obuvulekile Benza Abantu Bajabule?

-Delile

• Buyekeza kwe-

Kwabaningi bethu, isifiso sokubhangqa sinamandla. Kungaze kufakwe naku-DNA yethu. Kodwa ingabe uthando lusho ukuthi ungalokothi uthandane noma ulale nabanye abantu?

Eminyakeni eminingana edlule, ngathatha isinqumo sokuphonsela inselelo umbono wokuthi okuwukuphela kwendlela ebudlelwaneni obunothando, nokuzibophezela kwakuwukuba nomuntu oyedwa. Mina-ke nesoka lami ngaleso sikhathi sanquma ukuzama ubudlelwane obuvulekile. Sasizinikele komunye nomunye, sabhekiswa njengesoka nentombi, futhi sobabili savunyelwa ukuba sithandane futhi sisondelane ngokomzimba nabanye abantu. Ekugcineni sahlukana (ngenxa yezizathu ezahlukahlukene, eziningi zazo ezazingahlobene nokuvuleleka kwethu), kepha kusukela lapho ngihlala nginesifiso sokucabanga kabusha ngobudlelwano-futhi kuvela ukuthi angingedwa.

Amathrendi we-Nonmonoga-me-yamanje

Izilinganiso ziphakamisa ukuthi kunemindeni engaphezu kwengxenye yesigidi e-polyamorous evulekile e-U.S., futhi ngo-2010, imibhangqwana elinganiselwa ezigidini eziyisishiyagalombili yayiqhuba uhlobo oluthile lokungashadile. Ngisho naphakathi kwabashadile, ubudlelwano obuvulelekile bungaphumelela; ezinye izifundo zikhombisa ukuthi zivamile emishadweni yezitabane.

Okwamanje ama-20- kanye nama-30-somethings, lezi zindlela zisho okuthile. Amaphesenti angaphezu kuka-40 ezinkulungwane zeminyaka acabanga ukuthi umshado "uphelelwa yisikhathi" (uma kuqhathaniswa namaphesenti angu-43 kaGen Xers, amaphesenti angu-35 ama-baby boomers, namaphesenti angu-32 abantu abaneminyaka engu-65-plus). Futhi cishe isigamu seminyaka eyizinkulungwane zeminyaka sithi babheka ushintsho ezinhlakeni zemindeni kahle, uma kuqhathaniswa nekota kuphela labaphenduli asebekhulile. Ngamanye amagama, i-monogamy-yize ingukukhetha okusebenzayo-ayisebenzi kuwo wonke umuntu.

Impela bekungangisebenzeli. Kubeke icala ebudlelwaneni obungenampilo obuthile ebusheni bami: Nganoma yisiphi isizathu, engqondweni yami elithi "monogamy" lase lihlotshaniswa nokuba nobunikazi, umona, kanye ne-claustrophobia - hhayi lokho okufiswa umuntu othandweni lwaphakade. Ngangifuna ukukhathalela umuntu ngaphandle kokuzizwa nginabo, futhi ngangifuna ukuthi lowo muntu azizwe ngendlela efanayo. Ngeza kulokho iqiniso lokuthi bengingashadile isikhashana (ngemuva kokuhlala ebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa isikhathi eside kakhulu) futhi-ngingowesifazane ngokwanele ukuvuma ukuthi-wayengakulungele ukudela inkululeko yokudlala ngothando nabantu ongabazi . Ngaphandle kwalokho, ngangingenaso isiqiniseko sokuthi ngifunani, impela, kodwa ngangazi ukuthi angifuni ukuzizwa ngicijwa umlingani. Ngakho lapho ngiqala ukuqomisana...masimbize ngo-'Bryce,' ngazilungiselela imizwa elimele, ngabhekana nokungaphatheki kahle kwami, futhi ngaxoxa ngakho: Wake wacabanga ngokuba nobuhlobo obukhululekile?

Ubudlelwano obuvulekile buvame ukuwela ezigabeni ezimbili ezijwayelekile, kusho u-Greatist Expert kanye nomeluleki wezocansi u-Ian Kerner: Imibhangqwana ingase ixoxisane ngelungiselelo elingashadile njengalelo enganginalo noBryce, lapho umuntu ngamunye enenkululeko yokuqomisana kanye/noma ukuya ocansini nabantu ngaphandle. ubuhlobo. Noma imibhangqwana izokhetha ukushwiba, iphumele ngaphandle kobudlelwano babo bomuntu oyedwa njengeyunithi (iya ocansini nabanye abantu ndawonye, ​​njengakuthathu-noma-ngaphezulu-abanye). Kepha lezi zigaba ziwuketshezi oluhle, futhi ziyashintsha ngokuya ngezidingo nemingcele yezithandani ezinikeziwe.

I-monogamy = i-Monotony? -Kungani Abashadile Behamba Ngendlela Enamandla

Into ekhohlisayo ngobudlelwano ihluke kakhulu, ngakho-ke asikho "isizathu esisodwa" esenza abantu banqume ukuhlola amamodeli wobunye ubudlelwano. Noma kunjalo, kunezinhlobonhlobo zemibono yokuthi kungani indoda eyodwa ingakhombisanga yanelisa umhlaba wonke. Abanye ochwepheshe bathi isuselwa kwizakhi zofuzo: Cishe amaphesenti ama-80 wezinkawu anezithembu, futhi ukulinganisela okufanayo kusebenza emiphakathini yabantu abazingelayo. (Noma kunjalo, akusizi ukubanjwa engqungqutheleni ethi "ingabe kungokwemvelo", kusho uKerner: Ukuhlukahluka yilokho okungokwemvelo, ngaphezu kokuba nomfazi oyedwa noma ukungeyena umfazi oyedwa.)

Olunye ucwaningo luphakamisa ukuthi abantu abehlukene banezidingo ezahlukene zobudlelwano obanelisayo. Ku Igebe Lomuntu Omunye, U-Eric Anderson uphakamisa ubudlelwano obuvulekile buvumela abalingani ukuthi bahlangabezane nezidingo zabo ngaphandle kokufuna okungaphezu koyedwa ozakwethu abanganikeza. Kukhona nengxenye yamasiko: Izibalo zokwethembeka ziyahlukahluka kakhulu phakathi kwamasiko, futhi ubufakazi bukhombisa ukuthi amazwe anezimo ezivumela kakhulu ezocansi nawo anemishado ehlala isikhathi eside. Emazweni aseNordic, imibhangqwana eminingi eshadile ixoxa ngokukhululekile "ngobudlelwano obufanayo" - kusuka ezindabeni ezikhishwe kuze kube seholideyini-nabalingani babo, kepha umshado uhlala uyisikhungo esihlonishwayo. Bese futhi, umlobeli wezeluleko zocansi uDan Savage uthi ukungahambi nomuntu ongashadile kungamane kube yisicefe esidala.

Ngamafuphi, kunezizathu eziningi zokungahambisani nomuntu oyedwa njengoba kukhona abantu abangashintshi-futhi lapho kukhona inkinga ethile. Noma umbhangqwana uvuma ukungahambisani, izizathu zawo zingahle ziphikisane. Endabeni yami, ngangifuna ukuba sebuhlotsheni obungeyona indoda eyodwa ngoba ngangifuna ukubekela inselele imibono yezenhlalo mayelana nothando; UBryce wayefuna ukuba sebuhlotsheni obungeyona indoda eyodwa ngoba ngangifuna ukuba kubo, futhi wayefuna ukuba nami. Mhlawumbe akumangalisi ukuthi lokhu kwavusa ukungqubuzana phakathi kwethu lapho empeleni ngiqala ukubona abanye abantu. Ngenkathi ngikahle lapho uBryce ehlangana nomngani wakhe bobabili, akakwazanga ukukucabanga ukuthi nami ngenze okufanayo. Lokhu kwagcina kuholele ekucasukeleni nhlangothi zombili kanye nomona kuye-futhi kungazelelwe ngazithola sengibuyela ebudlelwaneni be-claustrophobic, ngiphikisana ngokuthi ubani owakwabani.

Ingabe Kufanele Ufake Indandatho Kuyo? - Izinkomba ezintsha

Akumangazi ukuthi inunu enamehlo aluhlaza iyinselelo evamile kozakwethu abangebona indoda eyodwa ezweni lonke, kungakhathaliseki ubulili noma ubulili. Indlela engcono kakhulu yokubhekana nayo? Ukwethembeka. Ezifundweni eziningi, ukukhulumisana okuvulekile kuyimbangela eyinhloko yokwaneliseka kobudlelwane (lokhu kuyiqiniso kunoma ibuphi ubudlelwano), kanye nendlela engcono kakhulu yokubhekana nomhawu. Kwabashadikazi abangena kokunye, kubalulekile ukuthi abalingani bazwane ngezidingo zabo futhi benze isivumelwano ngaphambi kwanoma yikuphi ukuhlangana.

Ngokubheka emuva, bekufanele ngabe ngithembeke ngokwengeziwe kimi, futhi ngavuma ukuthi (kungakhathaleki ukuthi uthini) uBryce wayengafuni ngempela ukuba nonogamous; bekuzosiphephisa sobabili ubuhlungu benhliziyo. Kulula ukuheha ohlangothini lwe-nonmonogamy's sexier, kepha empeleni ludinga amazinga aphakeme kakhulu okuthembana, ukuxhumana, ukuvuleleka, nokusondelana nomlingani wakho oyinhloko-okusho ukuthi njenge-monogamy, ubudlelwano obuvulekile bungacindezela kakhulu, futhi akunjalo wonke umuntu. Ngamanye amazwi, i-nonmonogamy ayilona neze ithikithi lokuphuma ezinkingeni zobudlelwane, futhi ingase ibe umthombo wazo. Kungabuye kujabulise, kuvuzise futhi kukhanyise.

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi kwenzekani, kusho ochwepheshe, ukuthi umbhangqwana unquma ukuphumela obala noma ukushada nomuntu oyedwa kufanele kube yindaba yokuzikhethela. "Uma kungenanhlamba ukuba nobudlelwano bobulili obuvulekile," kubhala u-Anderson, "abesilisa nabesifazane bazoqala ukuthembeka ngokwengeziwe kulokho abakufunayo… nokuthi bafisa ukukufeza kanjani."

Mina-ke, kulezi zinsuku ngiyi-one-man kinda gal-engiyifunde ngokuvuleleka.

Uke wazama ukuba ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile? Uyakholelwa yini ukuthi ubudlelwane obuzinikele buphakathi kwabantu ababili futhi akekho omunye umuntu? Yabelana ngamazwana angezansi, noma uthumele umbhali ku-Twitter @ LauraNewc.

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