Ubungani Obuhlukumezayo Bungokoqobo. Nakhu ukuthi ungabona kanjani ukuthi umunye

-Delile

• Ngokushesha saba abangane abakhulu, futhi nomaphi lapho ngangiya khona, nabo baba njalo.
• Kwezwakala sengathi ubuqotho bami buyavivinywa kanti ngehlulekile.
• Ekuqaleni, ngangilokhu ngibenzela izaba. Ngangisazizwa nginecala ngabo.
• Yize ukushiya isimo kungabonakala kungathembisi, kunezindlela zokuphuma kanye nezinyathelo ezehlukene umuntu angazithatha lapho ezama ukushiya ubungani obuhlukumezayo.
• Kwangithatha isikhathi eside ukuqonda ukuthi engangihlangabezana nakho kwakuwukuhlukunyezwa.
• Kunzima ukuzulazula kubungani obuhlukumezayo, ikakhulukazi uma ungaziboni izimpawu eziyisixwayiso.

Ufanelwe ukuzizwa uvikelekile nabangani bakho.

Noma nini lapho abantu bekhuluma ngobudlelwano obuhlukumezayo kwabezindaba noma nabangane babo, kaningi kunalokho, babhekisa ebudlelwaneni bothando noma ebudlelwaneni bomndeni.

Ngenkathi edlule, ngike ngabhekana nazo zombili lezi zinhlobo zokuhlukumezeka, kulokhu bekungafani.

Futhi uma ngikwazi ukwethembeka, bekuyinto ebengingayilungiselele ngokuphelele ekuqaleni: Bekusezandleni zomunye wabangane bami abakhulu.

Ngikhumbula okokuqala sihlangana, njengoba nje bekuyizolo. Besikade sishintshana ngama-tweets anobuhlakani ku-Twitter, futhi baveze ukuthi bangabalandeli bomsebenzi wami wokubhala.

Kwakungu-2011, naseToronto, ama-Twitter meetups (noma njengoba ayejwayele ukubhekiswa kuma- “tweet-ups” e-inthanethi) ayemakhulu, ngakho angizange ngicabange kakhulu ngakho. Ngangiphansi ngokuphelele ukuthola umngane omusha, ngakho-ke sanquma ukuhlangana ngekhofi ngolunye usuku.

Lapho sihlangana, kwakucishe kufane nokuya osukwini lokuqala. Uma kungasebenzanga, akukho monakalo, akukho sono. Kepha sachofoza khona manjalo saba mkhulu njengamasela - {textend} siphuza amabhodlela ewayini epaki, senzelana ukudla, futhi siya emakhonsathini ndawonye.

Ngokushesha saba abangane abakhulu, futhi nomaphi lapho ngangiya khona, nabo baba njalo.

Ekuqaleni, ubudlelwano bethu babumuhle kakhulu. Ngithole umuntu ebengizizwa ngikhululekile uma nginaye, futhi obambe iqhaza kuzo zonke izingxenye zempilo yami ngendlela enenjongo.

Kepha lapho sesiqala ukuhlanganyela izingxenye zethu ezisengozini enkulu, izinto zashintsha.

Ngiqale ukuqaphela ukuthi bebegoqwa kangaki emjikelezweni wedrama nabantu emphakathini wethu esabelana ngawo. Ngiqale ngayihlikihla. Kepha kube sengathi idrama ibisilandela nomaphi lapho siya khona, futhi ngenkathi ngizama ukuba khona ngibasekele, yaqala ukungiphatha kabi ngokomqondo.

Ngelinye ilanga ntambama njengoba sasingena eStarbucks yasendaweni, baqala ukuhlekisa ngomngane wabo osondelene naye, bezama ukungikholisa ukuthi "babeyibo ababi kakhulu." Kepha lapho ngicindezela ukuthola imininingwane, baphawula ukuthi "bayacasula" futhi "bazikhandla."

Ngimangele, ngabachazela ukuthi angizizwa ngaleyondlela - {textend} futhi ngacishe ngacasuka, bavele bangikhiphela amehlo.

Kwezwakala sengathi ubuqotho bami buyavivinywa kanti ngehlulekile.

UDkt.Stephanie Sarkis, udokotela wezifo zengqondo nonguchwepheshe wezempilo yengqondo uhlanganyele enkulumweni abe nayo neRefinery 29, ethi “Abakhanyisi bakagesi bayizinhlebo ezesabekayo.”

Lapho ubuhlobo bethu buqala ukuthuthuka, ngokushesha ngaqala ukubona ukuthi lokhu kuyiqiniso.

Inyanga ngayinye, iqembu lethu labangane lalihlangana futhi libophele ukudla okumnandi. Singahle siye ezindaweni zokudlela ezahlukahlukene, noma siphekelane. Ngalobu busuku okukhulunywa ngabo, iqembu lethu eli-5 laqonda endaweni yokudlela edumile yamaShayina edolobheni elaziwa ngamadombolo alo.

Ngenkathi sihleka futhi sabelana ngamapuleti, lo mngani waqala wachazela iqembu - {textend} ngokuningiliziwe - {textend} izinto engangabelane nabo ngomuntu engangisebenza naye ngokuzethemba.

Ngenkathi abantu bebazi ukuthi ngangithandane nalo muntu, babengayazi imininingwane yobudlelwano bethu, futhi ngangingalungele ukuhlanganyela. Impela bengingalindelanga ukuthi bazachitheka kulo lonke iqembu ngalolo suku.

Angizange ngibe namahloni kuphela - {textend} Ngazizwa ngikhashelwe.

Kwangenza ngazenyeza futhi kwangishiya ngizibuza, “Uthini lo muntu ngami uma ngingekho? Yini abanye abantu ebebeyazi ngami? ”

Kamuva bangitshela isizathu sokuhlanganyela kwabo leyo ndaba ukuthi umngani wethu sobabili manje wayesekhuluma naye ... kepha bebengakwazi yini ukucela imvume yami kuqala?

Ekuqaleni, ngangilokhu ngibenzela izaba. Ngangisazizwa nginecala ngabo.

Bengingazi ukuthi okwenzekayo bekungukukhanya komoya noma ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo.

Ngokusho kowezi-2013, intsha nabesifazane abaphakathi kweminyaka engama-20 nengama-35 bavame ukuba yizisulu zokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo. Lokhu kungafaka yonke into kusuka ekushayweni ngamazwi, ukubusa, ukulawula, ukuzihlukanisa, ukuhlekwa usulu, noma ukusetshenziswa kolwazi olujulile ukwehlisa isithunzi.

Kaningi kunalokho, kungenzeka kulabo esisebudlelwaneni obusondelene nabo kubandakanya nobungani.

Izibalo zikhombisile ukuthi kumaphesenti ayisishiyagalombili abantu ababhekana nokuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi noma ngokomzimba, umhlukumezi ujwayele ukuba ngumngani omkhulu.

Kwesinye isikhathi izimpawu zicaca njengosuku - {textend} futhi kwesinye isikhathi ungazizwa sengathi usilungisa lesi simo ekhanda lakho.

Njengoba ukungezwani phakathi kwabangane kwesinye isikhathi kungaba phezulu, imvamisa izikhathi lapho singabona sengathi ukuhlukunyezwa akulona iqiniso.

UDkt. Fran Walfish, udokotela wezengqondo womndeni nobudlelwano eBeverly Hills, eCalifornia, wabelana ngezimpawu ezimbalwa:

• Umngane wakho ukuqamba amanga. “Uma ubabamba beqamba amanga bephindelela, lokho kuyinkinga. Ubudlelwano obunempilo busekelwe ekwethembaneni, ”kuchaza uWalfish.
• Umngani wakho uhlala ekuphaka noma akakufaki. “Uma ubhekana nabo, bayazivikela noma bakhombe umunwe bethi yiphutha lakho. Zibuze ukuthi, kungani bengavumelani nalokhu? ”
• Bakucindezela ngezipho ezinkulu, njengemali, bese kukukhanyisela ukuthi ucabange ukuthi “kuyisipho” sabo kunokuba kube yimali mboleko.
• Umngani wakho ukukunikeza ukuthula, noma akwenze uzizwe kabi ngokukugxeka. Le yindlela yabahlukumezi yokulawula amandla, kuchaza uWalfish. "Awufuni ukuba nobuhlobo obuseduze lapho uzizwa ubukelwa phansi noma ubuncane kunomunye umuntu."
• Umngani wakho akayihloniphi imingcele noma isikhathi sakho.

Yize ukushiya isimo kungabonakala kungathembisi, kunezindlela zokuphuma kanye nezinyathelo ezehlukene umuntu angazithatha lapho ezama ukushiya ubungani obuhlukumezayo.

Yize ukuxhumana okuvulelekile kuyimigomo engcono kakhulu, uDkt Walfish ukholelwa ukuthi kungcono ungabhekani nomhlukumezi wakho bese uhamba ngokuthula.

“Kufana nokuzimisa. Cishe bazokusola, ngakho-ke kungcono ukuthi ube nomusa. Laba bantu abakuphathi kahle ukwaliwa, ”kuchaza yena.

UDkt. Gail Saltz, uprofesa ohlangene wezifo zengqondo e-NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine nodokotela wezifo zengqondo wabelana noHealthline: “Ungadinga ukwelashwa uma lobu budlelwano bebulimaza imizwa yakho yokuzethemba futhi uqonde ukuthi kungani bangena kulobu bungane babubekezelela kwasekuqaleni ukuze bagweme ukubuyela kubo noma bangene kobunye obuhlukumezayo. ”

UDkt. Saltz uphakamisa nokuthi ukwenze kucace kwabanye kufaka phakathi abangani namalungu omndeni ukuthi ngeke usaba seduze kwalowo muntu.

“Tshela abangane abaseduze noma umndeni ngokwenzekayo bese bakusiza ukuthi uhlale uhlukile,” kusho yena.

Futhi ucabanga ukuthi kuwukuhlakanipha ukushintsha noma yimaphi amaphasiwedi lo muntu angakwazi, noma izindlela zokufinyelela anazo ekhaya lakho noma emsebenzini.

Yize ekuqaleni kungahle kube nzima ukushiya, futhi uma usuthole, njengokuthi ulilela ukulahlekelwa, uDkt Walfish ukholelwa ukuthi uzolahlekelwa ngumngani obucabanga ukuthi unaye.

"Bese uziphakamisa, uvule amehlo akho, bese uqala ukukhetha uhlobo oluhlukile lomuntu ongamethemba ngemizwa yakho," esho. "Imizwa yakho iyigugu futhi kufanele ubandlulule kakhulu ukuthi ngubani omethembayo."

Kwangithatha isikhathi eside ukuqonda ukuthi engangihlangabezana nakho kwakuwukuhlukunyezwa.

Abantu abanobuthi banendlela ehlekisayo yokubhala kabusha ukulandisa ukuze kuhlale kubonakala kuyiphutha lakho.

Lapho sengibonile ukuthi kuyenzeka, kwaba ngathi ngumgodi esiswini sami.

"Ebunganeni obuhlukumezayo, umuntu uvame ukusala ezizwa kabi," kusho uDkt. Saltz, akubhalayo kuholela emizweni yecala, amahloni, noma ukukhathazeka, ikakhulukazi lapho bezama ukushiya isimo.

Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo nomlobi wasemtholampilo u-Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, enkulumweni abe nayo neWomen Health, uthe abantu bavame ukubona ukwanda “kokukhathazeka, ikhanda elibuhlungu, noma ukuphazamiseka kwesisu,” lapho bezama ukushiya ubungane babo obuyingozi.

Lokhu bekuyiqiniso nakanjani kimi.

Ekugcineni ngaqala ukubona umelaphi ukuze ngithole amandla nesibindi sokuqhubeka.

Ngenkathi ngihlangana nomelaphi wami futhi ngimchazela ngezinye zezenzo zami lapho ngangizama ukuphuma kulobu bungani, abanye ababengabona ukuthi abamukeleki futhi mhlawumbe, ubuqili, wangichazela ukuthi kwakungelona iphutha lami.

Ekupheleni kosuku, angibuzanga ukuthi ngihlukunyezwe yilo muntu - {textend} futhi noma bengazama kangakanani ukukusebenzisa kimi, bekungamukeleki.

Uqhubeke nokungichazela ukuthi izenzo zami bekungukuzwakala okuqondakalayo lapho kucindezelwa - {textend} yize kungenangqondo, lezo zindlela zizosetshenziswa kimi lapho ubungani bethu buphela, buguqula abanye abangane bethu abasondelene nami.

Kunzima ukuzulazula kubungani obuhlukumezayo, ikakhulukazi uma ungaziboni izimpawu eziyisixwayiso.

Kungakho kubaluleke kangaka ukuthi sikhulume ngokukhululeka ngazo.

Ukusesha okusheshayo, futhi uzobona abantu bephendukela kumasayithi afana neReddit ukubuza imibuzo enjengokuthi, "Ingabe kukhona into enjengobungane obuhlukumezayo?" noma "Ungasusa kanjani ubungane obukuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo?"

Ngoba njengoba kumile, kuncane kakhulu lapho ukusiza abantu.

Yebo, abangane abahlukumezayo bayinto. Futhi, ungaphulukisa kubo, futhi.

Ubungani obuhlukumezayo abugcini nje ngokulingisa - {textend} bungukuphila kwangempela, futhi bangaba uhlobo lokuhlukumezeka olucashile.

Ufanelwe ubudlelwano obunempilo, obugculisayo obungakushiyi uzizwa wesaba, ukhathazekile noma wephulwa umthetho. Futhi ukushiya ubungani obuhlukumezayo, yize kubuhlungu, kungakunika amandla ngokuhamba kwesikhathi - {textend} futhi kubalulekile empilweni yakho engokwengqondo nengokomzwelo.

U-Amanda (Ama) Scriver uyintatheli ezimele eyaziwa kakhulu ngokukhuluphala, ngokuzwakalayo nangokumemeza kwi-inthanethi. Izinto ezimlethela injabulo yi-lipstick enesibindi, ithelevishini yangempela, namazambane amazambane. Umsebenzi wakhe wokubhala uvele kwiLeafly, Buzzfeed, The Washington Post, FLARE, The Walrus, naku-Allure. Uhlala eToronto, eCanada. Ungamlandela Twitter noma Instagram.