Umhlahlandlela Wabaqalayo Wobudlelwano Ovulekile

-Delile

• Buyini ngempela ubudlelwano obuvulelekile?
• Ingabe kuyinto efanayo ne-polyamory?
• Futhi akuyona into efanayo nokukopela
• Yini iphuzu?
• Wazi kanjani ukuthi ikulungele?
• Ingabe zikhona izinzuzo zobudlelwano obuvulekile?
• Ingabe kukhona ukungalungi okufanele kubhekwe?
• Kufanele uyiveze kanjani nomlingani wakho wamanje?
• Uyibeka kanjani imithetho?
• Yimiphi imingcele engokomzwelo okufanele uyicabangele?
• Yimiphi imingcele yomzimba neyezocansi okufanele uyicabangele?
• Kufanele ungene kangaki kumlingani wakho oyinhloko mayelana nemingcele?
• Usiletha kanjani isimo sakho sobudlelwano kumuntu ongaba umlingani wesibili?
• Ngabe kunendaba ukuthi umlingani wakho wesibili unomfazi oyedwa noma unesithembu?
• Ingabe kufanele ungene nabalingani bakho besibili, futhi?
• Ungafunda kuphi kabanzi?

Sifaka imikhiqizo esicabanga ukuthi ilusizo kubafundi bethu. Uma uthenga ngezixhumanisi ezikuleli khasi, singathola ikhomishini encane. Nansi inqubo yethu.

Amabha, izingqondo, izimbiza zebhotela lamantongomane. Kunikezwe ukuthi lezi zinto zivuleka kakhulu. Hhayi-ke, abantu abaningi abangaqokiwe bangaphikisana ngokuthi ubudlelwano bulolo hlu.

Buyini ngempela ubudlelwano obuvulelekile?

Kuya ngokuthi ngubani ophendulayo. Kunezincazelo ezimbili ezihlukile.

Owokuqala uthi "ubuhlobo obuvulekile" yigama lesambulela elihlanganisa zonke ezinye izinhlobo ze-nonmonogamy, njenge-monogam-ish, swingers, ne-polyamory.

Umqondo ngukuthi izindlela zomuntu oyedwa zokuvalwa zivaliwe, futhi zonke izinhlobo zobudlelwano obungashadile zivulekile.

Incazelo yesibili (futhi ejwayelekile), ithi ubudlelwano obuvulekile bukhona eyodwa uhlobo lobudlelwano obungenamkhawulo ngaphansi kwesambulela se-Ethical Nonmonogamous.

Lapha, imvamisa, ubudlelwano obuvulekile kucatshangwa ukuthi benzeka phakathi kwabantu ababili ebudlelwaneni obuyisisekelo abavumelene ngokuvula ubudlelwano babo ngokocansi - kepha hhayi kwezothando.

Ngakho-ke, ngenkathi "ubudlelwano obuvulekile" buhlala buveza ukuthi ubudlelwano bukhona ngaphandle kohlaka lwe-One Person Is My Everything (aka monogamy), ukuthola ncamashi ukuthi umuntu usho ukuthini ngayo, kufanele ubuze.

Ingabe kuyinto efanayo ne-polyamory?

Umfundisi wezocansi onobungane we-LGBTQ kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esinelayisense uLiz Powell, PsyD, umbhali we- "Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide To Swinging, Polyamory, & Beyond" unikeza le ncazelo ye-polyamory:

"I-Polyamory umkhuba, noma isifiso sokuba nobudlelwano bothando kanye / noma obuseduze nabantu abangaphezu koyedwa ngesikhathi, ngemvume yabo bonke abantu abathintekayo."

Ngakho-ke cha, i-polyamory ayifani. Ngenkathi ubudlelwano bothando nothando nabantu abangaphezu koyedwa bunjalo ngokusobala kuvunyelwe ku-polyamory, lokho akulona iqiniso ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile.

Umfundisi wezocansi uDavia Frost uphawula ukuthi imvamisa abantu abenza izinto ezinesizotha bakubona kuyingxenye ebalulekile yobunikazi babo, kufana nokuthi abanye abantu babona ukuba yisitabane noma inkosikazi.

Imvamisa, abantu ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile abazizwa sengathi isakhiwo sabo samanje sobudlelwano (aka nonmonogamy) siyingxenye enzima yokuthi bangobani.

Futhi akuyona into efanayo nokukopela

Abantu ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile bane isivumelwano ukuthi ukwenza ucansi noma ubudlelwane obungokomzwelo nabanye abantu KULUNGILE.

Futhi, ngenkathi ukukopela kuthathwa njengokungekho emthethweni, ubudlelwano obuvulekile - uma benziwe ngendlela efanele - bunokuziphatha ngokwemvelo.

Yini iphuzu?

Alikho iphuzu elilodwa. Ngokuvamile, abantu bangena ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile ngoba bacabanga ukuthi kuzobalethela injabulo, injabulo, uthando, ukwaneliseka, ama-orgasms, injabulo, noma inhlanganisela ethile yalezo.

Izizathu ongacabanga ngazo ngobudlelwano obuvulekile:

• Wena nomlingani wakho nobabili ninothando oluningi eningalunikela futhi nikholwe ukuthi ningathanda ngaphezu komuntu oyedwa ngasikhathi sinye.
• Ufuna ukuhlola ubulili bakho noma ubudlelwano bezocansi nomuntu wobulili obuhlukile.
• Wena nozakwenu ninecala lama-libidos angahambelani.
• Omunye umuntu athandana naye akathandani ngokobulili futhi akanandaba nocansi, kanti omunye angathanda ukuya ocansini.
• Umlingani oyedwa unekink noma iphupho elithile abafuna ukulihlola lelo omunye angenalo intshisekelo kulo.
• Ukubona (noma ukuzwa) ngomlingani wakho enza ucansi nomunye umuntu kuyakukhanyisa, noma okuphambene nalokho.

Wazi kanjani ukuthi ikulungele?

Ngeshwa, ukunquma ukuthi ubudlelwano obuvulekile bukufanele yini (noma bukulungele wena nomlingani wakho) akulula njengokuthatha imibuzo eku-inthanethi nokuthatha izimpendulo ngokubaluleka kobuso.

• Qala ngokukhomba ukuthi kungani unomfazi oyedwa nokuthi kusho ukuthini lokho kuwe. Yimiphi imilayezo mayelana nomuntu oyedwa oyitholile usakhula?
• Ikheli lokuthi unentshisekelo yokuvula ubudlelwano bakho noma kungani. Ingabe kungenxa yokuthi uye wakha imizwa ngomunye umuntu futhi ungathanda ukwenza kuye? Ingabe kungenxa yokuthi wena noma umlingani wakho unezidingo eziningi ezingahlangatshezwa kangcono ngabantu abangaphezu koyedwa?
• Manje vumela ukucabanga ukuthi ngabe impilo yakho ibingabukeka kanjani ukube beninobudlelwano obuvulekile. Thola imininingwane. Uzohlalaphi? Ngabe zizoba khona izingane? Ngabe umlingani wakho naye uzoba nabanye ozakwethu? Yiziphi izinhlobo zocansi ozozihlola? Luhlobo luni lothando? Le fantasy ikwenza uzizwe kanjani?
• Okulandelayo, funda kabanzi mayelana ne-nonmonogamy yokuziphatha. Qala ngokufunda ngobudlelwano obuvulekile nezincwadi ze-polyamorous (okuningi kulokhu okungezansi), ukuya kumaqembu we-MeetUp we-polyamorous, nokulandela abantu abasebenzisa i-nonmonogamy noma i-polyamory yokuziphatha ku-Instagram naku-Twitter.

Ingabe zikhona izinzuzo zobudlelwano obuvulekile?

Yebo Hheyi! Kunesizathu esingaphezu kwengxenye eyodwa kwezinhlanu zabantu abake baba noma sebekodwa.

Kokunye, (imvamisa) kusho ucansi oluningi!

"Ngiyakuthanda ukungahambisani nomyeni oyedwa ngoba ngingumuntu othanda izinto ezintsha nokuhlola," kusho uPowell. "Ngikuthola ngokuba nabantu abaningi ngendlela engifuna ngayo."

Uyanezela: "Nginamandla aphezulu okuhlanganisa - okuyinjabulo yenjabulo yomunye umuntu - ngakho ukubona abalingani bami beneliseka ngokocansi futhi bejabule kuyangijabulisa."

UDana McNeil, MA, LMFT, ongumsunguli womshado onamalayisense, umsunguli weRelationship Place eSan Diego, eCalifornia, uthi noma ngabe ekugcineni ungagcina ubuvale ubudlelwano, ukwenza izinto ezingekho emthethweni kusiza abantu ukuthi bakhulise amakhono abo ekuxazululeni izinkinga, ukuxhumana , nokwenza nokwenza imingcele.

"Kuhlala kuphoqa abantu ukuthi bakhombe ngempela ukuthi yiziphi izifiso nezidingo zabo," kusho uMcNeil.

Ingabe kukhona ukungalungi okufanele kubhekwe?

Akukho bubi bobudlelwano obuvulekile, ngasese, kuphela izizathu ezingalungile zokungena ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile.

"I-nonmonogamy ingabhebhethekisa izingqinamba zomuntu kanye nezinkinga ebezikhona ngaphambilini ebudlelwaneni," kusho uPowell.

Uyanezela: "Uma ukhuluma kabi, kufanele ukhulume ujule futhi nabantu abaningi ngezihloko eziningi kuzokunikeza amathuba amaningi okuthola imiphumela ngenxa yalokho."

Umqondo ofanayo uyasebenza uma uvame ukungathembeki, ukukhohlisa, umona noma ubugovu. Esikhundleni sokuthi omunye umuntu oyedwa ahlangabezane nemiphumela yalokho kuziphatha, kuzothinteka abaningi.

"I-nonmonogamy ngeke ilungise ubuhlobo nesisekelo esingazinzile," kusho uPowell. Ngakho-ke uma kungaleso sizathu sokuthi uvule ubudlelwano, kungahle kuholele ekuhlukaneni.

Kufanele uyiveze kanjani nomlingani wakho wamanje?

Awuzami "ukukholisa" umlingani wakho ukuthi abe ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile.

Qala ngesitatimende esithi "Mina" bese uholela embuzweni, isibonelo:

• “Bengilokhu ngifunda ngobudlelwano obuvulelekile, futhi ngicabanga ukuthi kungaba yinto engifuna ukuyizama. Ungathanda yini ukuba nengxoxo ngokuvula ubudlelwano bethu? ”
• “Kade ngangicabanga ngokuya ocansini nabanye abantu, futhi ngicabanga ukuthi ngingahle ngifune ukukuhlola lokho. Ungabucabanga ubudlelwano obuvulelekile? ”
• “Ngicabanga ukuthi kungashisa ngempela ukubuka omunye umuntu uhamba nawe. Ungathanda yini ukumemela umuntu wesithathu egumbini lokulala? ”
• “I-libido yami ibilokhu iphansi kakhulu kusukela kuqhubeka [faka umuthi lapha], futhi bengicabanga ukuthi yini evula ubudlelwano bethu ukuze uthole ezinye zezidingo zakho zocansi kanye nezinto ozifunayo kwenye indawo ezingaba kithi. Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi lena yinto esingakhuluma ngayo? ”

Uma ufuna ngempela ukuba nobudlelwano obuvulekile futhi umlingani wakho ewuvala ngokuphelele lo mbono, kungahle kube ukungavumelani okungenakunqotshwa.

“Ekugcineni, uma ngabe umuntu oyedwa ebudlelwaneni obabukhona ngaphambi kwesikhathi efuna ukuvula lobo budlelwano buvuleke, kungadingeka ukuthi nihlukane,” kusho uMcNeil.

Uyibeka kanjani imithetho?

Ukungacacisi: Lo ngumbuzo ongafanele.

Ukuqonda ukuthi kungani, udinga ukuqonda umehluko phakathi kwemingcele, izivumelwano nemithetho.

“Umngcele uphathelene nobuntu bakho. Inhliziyo yakho, isikhathi, ingqondo, umzimba, ”kusho uPowell.

Ngakho-ke, ungaba nomngcele ozungeze hhayi ukubopha uketshezi kothile oketshezi oluboshwe komunye umuntu.

Awukwazi ukuthola i- umngcele ukuthi umlingani wakho wenza ucansi nobani, balwenza kanjani lolo cansi nokuthi bayazisebenzisa yini izithiyo.

"Umngcele ubeka umthwalo kithi, esikhundleni somlingani wakho," kuchaza uPowell. "Inikwe amandla kakhulu."

Izivumelwano zingaxoxiswanwa futhi yinoma ngubani ezisebenzisayo.

“Uma mina nomlingani wami sinesivumelwano sokuthi ngaso sonke isikhathi sisebenzisa amadamu amazinyo, amakhondomu namagilavu ​​nabanye ozakwethu, kodwa-ke umaqondana wami nomunye wabalingani bethu befuna ukungasebenzisi izithiyo, sobathathu singahlala phansi sibhale kabusha leso sivumelwano ndawonye ukuze sonke sikhululeke, ”kuchaza uPowell.

Izivumelwano ziyindlela ezwelana kakhulu futhi ebaluleke kakhulu emibhangqwaneni efuna ukwengeza umlingani wesithathu ebudlelwaneni babo bezocansi noma bezothando.

Imvamisa imizwa, izifiso, izidingo kanye nezidingo zesithathu ziphathwa njengezingabalulekile kunezithandani. Izivumelwano zibaphatha kakhulu njengabantu abayikho kunokuba bathi, imithetho.

"Imithetho yinto eyenziwa ngabantu ababili noma ngaphezulu ethinta labo abasondelene nabo, kodwa labo ababazungezile abatholi zwi," kuchaza uPowell.

Ngokuvamile, "imithetho" iyimizamo yokulawula ukuziphatha nemizwa kazakwethu.

"Isifiso sokwenza imithetho ngokuvamile sisuselwa esimweni sokuganwa komuntu oyedwa okusitshela ukuthi umlingani wethu akakwazi ukuthanda umuntu ongaphezu koyedwa, noma uzosishiya uma ethola umuntu 'ongcono,'" kusho uPowell.

Yize abantu abaningi abasha ku-nonmonogamy bavame ukufuna ukusondela endaweni esekwe emithethweni, uxwayisa ngalokho.

“Imvamisa, imithetho igcina ingabi namandla futhi ingekho esimisweni sokwenza,” kusho uPowell, enezela ngokuthi uncoma ukuqala ngemingcele yomuntu siqu.

Yimiphi imingcele engokomzwelo okufanele uyicabangele?

Lapho umqondo we imizwa iyavela, imibhangqwana ivame ukufuna ukwenza imithetho ngokungathandani nanoma ngubani, kusho uPowell.

Lokho ozimele be-mindset bathanda njengesisetshenziswa esilinganiselwe futhi ekugcineni kukusethela ukwehluleka.

"Noma ngabe uzazi kahle kangakanani, ngeke wazi ukuthi uzowela kubani," esho.

Ngakho-ke esikhundleni sokusetha umthetho othi Azikho Imizwa Ovunyelwe, uPowell uncoma ukuthi ungene ngaphakathi bese uzibuza:

• Ngilubonisa kanjani uthando? Ngikwamukela kanjani?
• Kukangaki ngidinga ukubona umlingani wami ukuze ngizizwe ngibalulekile? Ngifuna ukusaba kanjani isikhathi sami? Ngidinga isikhathi esingakanani ngedwa?
• Imiphi imininingwane engifuna ukuyazi? Ngifuna ukwabelana kanjani?
• Ngabelana nobani isikhala futhi ngaphansi kwaziphi izimo?
• Yimaphi amagama engikhululeke ukuwasebenzisa ukumaka ubudlelwano bami nabanye?

Yimiphi imingcele yomzimba neyezocansi okufanele uyicabangele?

Imingcele ejwayelekile yomzimba kanye neyezocansi igxile ekulawuleni ubungozi kwezocansi, yiziphi izenzo zocansi ezivinjelwe noma ezingavunyelwe, futhi uma / nini / ulubonisa kanjani uthando.

Ngokwesibonelo:

• Ngubani othinta mina futhi kuphi? Ingabe kunezinhlobo zokuthinta engingafuni ukuzinika? Kuthiwani ngokwamukela?
• Ngizohlolwa kangaki, yiziphi izivivinyo engizokwenziwa? Ngabe ngizothatha i-PrEp?
• Ngizosebenzisa bani, nini, futhi yiziphi izenzo zokuvimba?
• Ngizokhuluma nini nabantu ukuthi bahlolwe kanjani muva nje, nokuthi yiziphi izindlela zabo ezahlukahlukene eziphephile zocansi kusukela lapho?
• Amathoyizi ami azosetshenziswa / abiwe / ahlanzwe kanjani?
• Ngikuphi ukhululekile ukuya ocansini?
• Kusho ukuthini i-PDA kimi? Ngikhululeka ukuba nobani ezindaweni zomphakathi?

Kufanele ungene kangaki kumlingani wakho oyinhloko mayelana nemingcele?

Awufuni ukuwela ogibeni lokucubungula ubudlelwane bakho ngaphezu kokuphila kwakho (kubo), kodwa ngokufanele uzoba nokungena okuvamile.

Ungaqala nge-aphoyintimenti emile futhi uyenze ingaphansi kaningi njengoba ungena ku-swing (heh) yezinto.

Usiletha kanjani isimo sakho sobudlelwano kumuntu ongaba umlingani wesibili?

Ngokushesha.

"Ukuba nesithembu kungahle kube yisaphulelo sebhizinisi labo, futhi ukuba nomuntu oyedwa kungaphula isivumelwano sakho, ngakho-ke udinga ukungafihli lutho," kusho uPowell.

Ezinye izifanekiso zokuboleka:

• "Ngaphambi kokuba sizimisele, ngithanda ukukusho ukuthi njengamanje ngisebudlelwaneni obuvulelekile, okusho ukuthi yize ngikwazi ukuphola ngokunganaki ngaphandle kobudlelwano bami, nginomlingani oyedwa oqotho."
• “Ngifuna ukukwazisa ukuthi angithandi muntu futhi ngijabulela ukuthandana nabantu abaningi ngasikhathi sinye. Ingabe ekugcineni usufuna ukuba nobudlelwano obukhethekile? ”
• “Ngifuna ukukwazisa ukuthi ngithandana ngaphandle koguquko futhi angifuni ubuhlobo obukhethekile. Uzizwa kanjani ngokuthandana nabantu abaningi ngasikhathi sinye, noma ukuthandana nomuntu ophola nabantu abaningi ngasikhathi sinye? ”

Uma u-inthanethi ukuphola, uMcNeil uncoma ukukubeka lapho kuphrofayli yakho.

Ngabe kunendaba ukuthi umlingani wakho wesibili unomfazi oyedwa noma unesithembu?

Kukhona ukuphindaphindeka okuhlukahlukene kobudlelwano obuvulekile bodwa, obaziwa nangokuthi ubudlelwano be-mono-poly hybrid.

Kobunye ubudlelwano, ngenxa yokuthambekela kwezocansi, i-libido, intshisekelo, njalonjalo, lo mbhangqwana uyavuma ukuvula ubudlelwano ngenhloso yokuthi oyedwa kuphela (ngokuvamile oyisisekelo) wabalingani "owenza" ngokungahambisani.

Ngezinye izikhathi, umuntu okhomba njengomuntu oyedwa angakhetha ukuthandana nomuntu othanda izinto eziningi.

Ngakho impendulo: "Akunjalo ngempela," kusho uMcNeil. "[Kodwa] wonke umuntu udinga ukwaziswa ukuthi lo muntu onezinhlobo eziningi uthandana nasebusweni kusukela ebhentshini."

"Lokhu kuvumela omunye umuntu ukuthi athathe isinqumo esanele mayelana nokuthi uyafuna yini ukuba yingxenye yobudlelwano obuvulelekile noma cha."

Ingabe kufanele ungene nabalingani bakho besibili, futhi?

Okusho ukuthi, kufanele uqiniseke ukuthi umlingani wakho wesibili uyakujabulela ukuxhumana nawe? Futhi uzizwe uhlonishwa futhi unakekelwa? Ngokusobala.

Ukuthi uhlela kanjani ukungena okusemthethweni kukuwe. Akunandaba ukuthi isakhiwo sakho sobudlelwano siyini, wena hloniphani bafuna ukuba namandla lapho wonke amaqembu ezizwa ekhululekile ukuxhumana nezidingo zawo kanye nezinto azifunayo nokubhekana nezidingo noma lokho okungafuneki.

Ungafunda kuphi kabanzi?

Akufanele ulindele ukuthi abalingani bakho ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile babambe isandla sakho kuyo yonke inqubo yokuvula ubuhlobo bakho ( * ukukhwehlela * umsebenzi wezemizwa * ukukhwehlela *).

Uma unabangani abenza i-nonmonogamy, ukuxoxa nabo mayelana nokuthi kubukeka kanjani kubo, ukuthi bazimise kanjani imingcele yabo, nokuthi bawusingatha kanjani umona kungasiza.

Izincwadi ezidumile kubudlelwano obuvulekile zifaka:

• "Ukwakha Ubudlelwano Obukhululekile"
• “Bangaphezu Kwababili”
• “Isigaxa Sokuziphatha”
• "Ukuvula: Umhlahlandlela Wokwakha Nokugcina Ubudlelwano Obukhululekile"

Ungahlola nezinye izinsiza (mahhala!)

• EmKasi.it
• Isihloko sikaDean Spade esithi "For Lovers and Fights"
• IPolyInfo.org

Izindatshana ezifana nalezi ozifundayo (sawubona!), Lo mhlahlandlela ku-polyamory, nalesi sokubopha uketshezi, ziyizinsiza ezinhle, nazo.

UGabrielle Kassel ungumbhali wezocansi nowezempilo waseNew York futhi ungumqeqeshi weCrossFit Level 1. Ube ngumuntu wasekuseni, uvivinye ama-vibrator angaphezu kwama-200, futhi wadliwa, wadakwa, futhi wahluzwa ngamalahle - konke egameni lobuntatheli. Ngesikhathi sakhe samahhala, angatholakala efunda izincwadi zokuzisiza namanoveli othando, ukucindezela ibhentshi, noma ukudansa kwepali. Mlandele ku-Instagram.