Kungani Abantu Bakhohlisa Ebudlelwaneni?

-Delile

• 1. Intukuthelo noma ukuziphindiselela
• 2. Ukuwa ngenxa yothando
• 3. Izici zesimo kanye nethuba
• Izimo ezingaba khona
• 4. Izinkinga zokuzibophezela
• 5. Izidingo ezingafinyelelwanga
• 6. Isifiso sobulili
• 7. Ukufuna ukuhlukahluka
• 8. Ukuzinyeza
• Ukulungisa umonakalo
• Uma umlingani wakho ekopelile
• Uma ukhohlise umlingani wakho
• Okubalulekile

Ukuthola ukuthi umlingani wakho wakhohlise kungaba yinkinga enkulu. Ungase uzizwe ulimele, uthukuthele, udabukile, noma ugula ngokwenyama. Kepha ngaphezu kwakho konke, ungahle uzibuze ukuthi "Kungani?"

Okushicilelwe kwiThe Journal of Sex Research kwaqala ukubheka sona lesi sihloko. Ucwaningo lusebenzise ucwaningo oluku-inthanethi ukubuza abantu abangama-495 abakhohlise ebudlelwaneni bezothando ngezizathu zokungathembeki kwabo.

Ababambe iqhaza bahlanganisa abesifazane abangama-259, abesilisa abangama-213, kanye nabantu abangama-23 abangazange basho ubulili babo.

Kade:

• ikakhulukazi abesilisa nabesifazane (amaphesenti angu-87.9)
• ikakhulukazi abantu abadala abasebasha (isilinganiso seminyaka besineminyaka engama-20 ubudala)
• hhayi impela ebudlelwaneni (amaphesenti angama-51.8 kuphela abike ukuthi akolunye uhlobo lobudlelwano bothando)

Ucwaningo lukhombe izinto eziyisishiyagalombili ezishukumisayo ezinomthelela ekungathembekini. Vele, lezi zinto azichazi zonke izimo zokukopela. Kepha zinikeza uhlaka olusizayo lokuqonda kangcono ukuthi kungani abantu bekopela.

Nakhu ukubheka lezo zinto ezibalulekile nokuthi zingaqhamuka kanjani ebudlelwaneni.

1. Intukuthelo noma ukuziphindiselela

Abantu kwesinye isikhathi bayakhohlisa ngenxa yentukuthelo noma isifiso sokuziphindisela.

Mhlawumbe usanda kuthola ukuthi umlingani wakho ukhohlisiwe. Ushaqekile futhi ulimele. Ungahle ufune ukwenza umlingani wakho adlule kwimizwelo efanayo ukuze nabo ngempela qonda ubuhlungu abakuzwisa kona.

Ngamanye amagama, "Bangilimazile, ngakho-ke manje ngizobalimaza" imicabango evamise ukuba yimbangela yokungathembeki okuziphindiselayo.

Ukungathembeki okushukunyiswa ulaka kungenzeka ngezizathu ezingezona zokuziphindisela, noma kunjalo, kufaka phakathi:

• ukukhungatheka ebudlelwaneni lapho umlingani wakho engabonakali ukukuqonda wena noma izidingo zakho
• intukuthelo kumlingani ongekho eduze kakhulu
• intukuthelo lapho umlingani engenakho okuningi angakunikeza, ngokomzimba noma ngokomzwelo
• intukuthelo noma ukukhungatheka ngemuva kwengxabano

Akunandaba ukuthi imbangela iyini, intukuthelo ingaba isisusa esinamandla sokusondelana nomunye umuntu.

2. Ukuwa ngenxa yothando

Umuzwa ojabulisayo wokuthandana nothile ngokuvamile awuhlali unomphela. Lapho uqala ukuthandana nothile, ungahle ube nothando, injabulo, nokushesha kwe-dopamine ekutholeni umbhalo kubo.

Kepha ukushuba kwale mizwa kuvame ukuphela ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Impela, uthando oluzinzile, oluhlala njalo lukhona. Kepha lezo zimvemvane zokuqala kosuku zizokusa kuphela kuze kube manje.

Lapho ubukhazikhazi sebuphelile, ungahle ubone ukuthi uthando alukho nje. Noma mhlawumbe uyabona ukuthi uthandana nomunye umuntu.

Khumbula ukuthi ukuphuma othandweni akudingeki ukuthi kusho ukuthi anithandani.

Lokhu kungenza kube nzima ukushiya ubudlelwano obusanikeza umuzwa womndeni, ubungani, ukuzinza, nokuphepha. Kepha ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni ungenalo uthando lwezithandani kungaholela esifisweni sokuphinda uthole uthando futhi kukhuthaze ukungathembeki.

3. Izici zesimo kanye nethuba

Ukuthola nje ithuba lokukopela kungenza ukungathembeki emathubeni amaningi. Lokhu akusho ukuthi wonke umuntu onethuba lokukhohlisa uzokwenza kanjalo. Ezinye izinto kaningi (kepha hhayi njalo) zengeza ekukhuthazeni ukukopela.

Cabanga ngalesi simo: Ukhungathekile ngebanga lakamuva ebudlelwaneni bakho nokubhekana nemizwa yokuzenyeza ezungeze ukubukeka kwakho. Ngelinye ilanga, umuntu osebenza naye oye waba nobungane nokukubamba wedwa bese ethi, “Ngikukhange kakhulu. Ake sihlangane ngesinye isikhathi. ”

Ungahle ungakhethi ukukopela uma ngabe kuhileleke into eyodwa noma ezimbili. Kepha le nhlanganisela yezici ezishukumisayo - ibanga ebudlelwaneni bakho, imizwa yakho ngokubukeka kwakho, ukunakwa komuntu osebenza naye - kungenza ukungathembeki kube lula kakhulu.

Izimo ezingaba khona

Izici ezithile zesimo zingenza nokungathembeki kube lula kakhulu, noma kubudlelwano obuqinile nobenelisayo, kufaka phakathi:

• ukuphuza kakhulu nokulala nomuntu ngemuva kobusuku
• ukufuna ukunethezeka ngokomzimba ngemuva kwesigameko esibuhlungu
• ukuhlala noma ukusebenza endaweni lapho kunokuthinta okuningi ngokomzimba nokuxhumeka okungokomzwelo

4. Izinkinga zokuzibophezela

Abantu abanobunzima bokuzibophezela bangase babe namathuba okukhohlisa kwezinye izimo. Futhi, ukuzibophezela akusho into efanayo kuwo wonke umuntu.

Kungenzeka ukuthi abantu ababili ebudlelwaneni babe nemibono ehluke kakhulu ngesimo sobudlelwano, njengokuthi kuyinto engajwayelekile, ekhethekile, njalonjalo.

Kungenzeka futhi ukuthanda umuntu othile futhi usabe ukwenza ukuzibophezela kuye. Kulokhu, omunye umlingani angagcina ekopela njengendlela yokugwema ukuzibophezela, noma ngabe empeleni bangathanda ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni.

Ezinye izizathu zokungathembeki okuhlobene nokuzibophezela zingafaka:

• ukungabi nentshisekelo yokwenza isikhathi eside
• ukufuna ubuhlobo obungatheni ngokwengeziwe
• ukufuna indlela yokuphuma ebudlelwaneni

5. Izidingo ezingafinyelelwanga

Kwesinye isikhathi, eyodwa noma zombili izidingo zomlingani wokusondelana azihlangani ebudlelwaneni. Abantu abaningi bakhetha ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni, imvamisa benethemba lokuthi izinto zizothuthuka, ikakhulukazi uma ubuhlobo buneliseka ngenye indlela.

Kodwa izidingo ezingafinyelelwanga zingaholela ekukhungathekeni, okungase kube kubi kakhulu uma isimo singathuthuki. Lokhu kunganikeza ugqozi lokuthola lezo zidingo zihlangatshezwe kwenye indawo.

Izidingo ezingavunyelwanga zocansi zingenzeka lapho:

• abalingani banamashayela ocansi ahlukene
• umlingani oyedwa akakwazi ukuya ocansini noma akanasithakazelo kwezocansi
• oyedwa noma bobabili abalingani bavame ukuchitha isikhathi bengekho ekhaya

Izidingo ezingafinyelelwanga ezingokomzwelo nazo zingakhuthaza ukungathembeki. Ukungathembeki ngokomzwelo kungaba yinkohliso ukuyichaza, kepha ngokuvamile kubhekisa esimweni lapho othile ebeka khona amandla amaningi angokomzwelo kothile ngaphandle komlingani wakhe.

Uma umlingani wakho engabonakali enentshisekelo kulokho okucabangayo, okuzwayo, noma okufanele ukusho, ungaqala ukuhlanganyela nomuntu okwenzayo kuyinto unesithakazelo. Lokhu kungaholela ekuxhumaneni okusondele okufana nobudlelwano.

6. Isifiso sobulili

Isifiso esilula sokuya ocansini singashukumisela abanye abantu ukuba bakopele. Ezinye izinto, kufaka phakathi ithuba noma izidingo ezingavunyelwanga zocansi, nazo zingadlala indima ekungathembekini okugqugquzelwa isifiso.

Kepha umuntu ofuna ukuya ocansini angafuna namathuba okwenza kanjalo ngaphandle kwabanye abagqugquzeli.

Ngisho nabantu abanobudlelwano obugcwalisa ngokocansi bangaqhubeka nokufuna ukwenza ucansi oluthe xaxa nabanye abantu. Lokhu kungavela ezingeni eliphakeme lesifiso sobulili, hhayi noma yiziphi izindaba zocansi noma ezithandanayo ebudlelwaneni.

7. Ukufuna ukuhlukahluka

Ngokwesimo sobudlelwano, isifiso sokuhluka kaningi sihlobene nezocansi. Isibonelo, omunye umuntu angaba nentshisekelo ekuzameni izinhlobo zocansi umlingani wakhe angangeni kuzona, noma ngabe zifaniswe kahle nomlingani wakhe.

Izinhlobonhlobo zingasho nokuthi:

• izingxoxo ezahlukene noma izitayela zokuxhumana
• imisebenzi engeyona eyezocansi
• ukuheha abanye abantu
• ubudlelwano nabanye abantu ngaphezu kozakwethu wamanje

Ukuheha kungenye ingxenye enkulu yokuhlukahluka. Abantu bangakhangwa yizinhlobo eziningi zabantu, futhi lokho akusho ukuthi akume nje ngoba ukulobudlelwano. Abanye abantu ebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa bangaba nesikhathi esinzima sokungasebenzisi leyo mizwa yokuheha.

8. Ukuzinyeza

Ukufuna ukukhuphuka ekuzihlonipheni nakho kungakhuthaza ukungathembeki.

Ukuya ocansini nomuntu omusha kungaholela emizweni emihle. Ungazizwa unamandla, uthandeka, uzethemba, noma uphumelele. Le mizwa ingakha ukuzethemba kwakho.

Abantu abaningi abakopelayo ngenxa yezinkinga zokuzethemba banabalingani abanothando, abasekelayo abanikeza uzwela nesikhuthazo. Kepha bangahle bacabange, "Kufanele basho lokho," noma "Abafuni nje ukuthi ngiphatheke kabi."

Ukuthola ukunconywa nokuvunywa kothile omusha, ngakolunye uhlangothi, kungabonakala kuhlukile futhi kujabulisa. Kungabonakala ngokweqiniso kumuntu onokuzenyeza, ongacabanga ukuthi umuntu omusha akanaso “isibopho sobudlelwano” sokuqamba amanga noma ukwenza ihaba.

Ukulungisa umonakalo

Uma kunokuthathwa okukhulu okukodwa okuvela kulolu cwaningo, ukuthi ukukopela kaningi akuhlangene ngalutho nomunye umuntu.

Abantu abaningi abakopelayo bathanda abalingani babo futhi abanaso isifiso sokubalimaza. Lokhu yingxenye yokuthi kungani abanye abantu bezokwenza konke okusemandleni ukugcina ukungathembeki kwabo kubalingani babo. Noma kunjalo, kungadala umonakalo omkhulu ebudlelwaneni.

Ukukopela akudingeki kusho ukuphela kobudlelwano, kepha ukuya phambili kuthatha umsebenzi.

Uma umlingani wakho ekopelile

Uma ukhohlisiwe, kungenzeka ukuthi usadidizela ngokutholwa. Ungahle uthande ukwenza noma yini ukulungisa ubuhlobo. Noma, mhlawumbe awunantshisekelo yokuhlala ebudlelwaneni.

Uma ungaqiniseki ukuthi ungasisingatha kanjani lesi simo, qala lapha:

• Khuluma nomlingani wakho ngokwenzekile. Cabanga ngokubandakanya umeluleki wemibhangqwana noma umuntu wesithathu ongathathi hlangothi engxoxweni. Ukuthola izisusa zomlingani wakho kungakusiza wenze isinqumo sakho, kepha ngokuvamile kunconywa ukuthi uvikele imininingwane ye-nitty-gritty yokuhlangana.
• Buza ukuthi ngabe umlingani wakho ufuna ukuqhubeka nobudlelwano. Abanye abantu yenza bakhohlise ngoba bafuna ukuqeda ubudlelwano, ngakho-ke kubalulekile ukuthola ukuthi bazizwa kanjani.
• Zibuze ukuthi ungaphinde umethembe yini umlingani wakho. Kungathatha isikhathi ukwakha kabusha ukwethembana, futhi kungenzeka umlingani wakho uyazi ngaleli qiniso. Kepha uma wazi ukuthi ngeke uphinde ubathembe, mhlawumbe ngeke ukwazi ukulungisa ubuhlobo.
• Zibuze ukuthi usabufuna yini ubudlelwano. Ingabe umthanda ngempela umlingani wakho futhi ufuna ukusebenza kunoma yiziphi izingqinamba ezisemqoka? Noma wesaba ukuqala ngomuntu omusha? Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi ubuhlobo bufanele ukubulungiswa?
• Khuluma nomeluleki. Ukwelulekwa kwezithandani kunconywa kakhulu uma uzosebenzela ebudlelwaneni ngemuva kokungathembeki, kepha ukwelashwa ngakunye kungakusiza nokuthi uhlele imizwa nemizwa yakho ngalesi simo.

Uma ukhohlise umlingani wakho

Uma ngabe ukhohlisile, kubalulekile ukuthi ubheke izisusa zakho ngokucophelela futhi ube nengxoxo eqotho nomlingani wakho. Umlingani wakho angafuna noma angafuni ukulungisa ubuhlobo, futhi udinga ukuhlonipha isinqumo sabo, noma ngabe ufuna ukuhlala ndawonye.

Thatha isikhathi ukubheka okulandelayo:

• Ngabe usafuna ubudlelwano? Uma ukukopela kwakho bekuqhutshwa yisifiso sokuphuma ebudlelwaneni, kungcono ukwethembeka nomlingani wakho ngalelo qiniso zisuka. Awuqinisekile ngesisusa sakho? Cabanga ukusebenza nomelaphi ukuze uthole umbono othile.
• Ungasebenza ngezizathu zokungathembeki? Ukwelashwa komuntu ngamunye, ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana, kanye nokuxhumana okungcono konke kungasiza ekuthuthukiseni ubudlelwane futhi kwenze ukungathembeki esikhathini esizayo kube namathuba amancane. Kepha uma ukhohlisile ngoba umlingani wakho ebengenantshisekelo kuhlobo oluthile locansi noma ngenxa yokuthi bebengakaze babe sekhaya, yini engenzeka uma isimo esifanayo sibuya futhi? Ungakhuluma nabo ngokufuna ukukopela esikhundleni sokwenza empeleni?
• Ingabe uzibona ukopela futhi? Ukungathembeki kungabangela ubuhlungu, ukudabuka kwenhliziyo, nokucindezeleka okungokomzwelo. Uma ucabanga ukuthi ungaphamba futhi, ungathembisi ukuthembeka. Esikhundleni salokho, tshela umlingani wakho ukuthi awucabangi ukuthi ungazibophezela.
• Ungazibophezela ekwelashweni? Uma ukhohlise umlingani, ukwelashwa ngakunye kungakusiza uqonde kabanzi ngezizathu zalokho okwenzekile. Ukwelashwa kwezithandani kungasiza futhi wena nomlingani wakho ukwakha ubuhlobo ndawonye. Kokubili kunconywa kakhulu ngemuva kokungathembeki uma uzimisele ngokubuyisela izinto emgqeni.

Okubalulekile

Kungenzeka ukuthi uzwile ibinzana elithi "Kanye okhohlisayo, hlala ungumkhohlisi" ukuchaza abantu abangathembekile. Kodwa ngenkathi abanye abantu bekopela kaninginingi, abanye abenzi kanjalo.

Ukusebenza ngokungathembeki kaningi kungabuqinisa ubuhlobo. Kodwa kubalulekile ukuthi wena nomlingani wakho nithembeke kulokho eningakwazi futhi ningenakukuzibophezela kukho ebudlelwaneni benu futhi nigcine ukuxhumana okuvulekile kuya phambili.