Lapho Ngiba Umfelokazi ngineminyaka engama-27, Ngasebenzisa Ubulili Ukuze Ngisinde Ekuhluphekeni Kwami

-Delile

• Ukulangazelela ukuthintwa, ukubanjwa, ukwanga, ukududuzwa
• Ubulili njengethuluzi lokuzithanda nokuziphilisa

Olunye uhlangothi losizi luchungechunge mayelana namandla okuguqula impilo okulahleka. Lezi zindaba ezinamandla zomuntu wokuqala zihlola izizathu nezindlela eziningi esibhekana ngazo nosizi futhi sizulazule kokujwayelekile okusha.

Eminyakeni yami yama-20s, indlela yami kwezocansi ivulekile, yasendle, futhi imahhala. Ngokuphambene, izinto nomyeni wami zazingokwesiko kusukela ekuqaleni.

Wangishela izinsuku ezintathu ngaphambi kokumanga kwethu kokuqala, yize ngangizama ngiphumelele ukumenza eze efulethini lami ekugcineni ngakunye.

Ekuqaleni, wayekalwa ngejubane lakhe ngenkathi engazi. Ngokushesha ngemuva kwalokho, wazivula ngokugcwele. Ngobunye ubusuku ngemuva kokwenza uthando efulethini lakhe elincane, izinyembezi zenjabulo zehla ebusweni bami. Sasihlale ndawonye izinyanga ezimbili kuphela, kodwa ngangimwele.

"Ngiyesaba ukulahlekelwa nguwe, ukukulimaza, noma ukukuthanda ngokweqile," ngimtshele.

Ukhombise ukunakekela, ukuthanda, nokuhlonipha umzimba wami ngokuhambisana nobubele bakhe emoyeni wami. Ukukhanga kwami ​​kuye kwakungamandla amakhulu nogesi. Wayebukeka emuhle kakhulu, enomusa futhi emuhle kakhulu ukuba angaba neqiniso. Ukuzibophezela kwakhe ekuthembekeni nasekuxhumaneni nabanye kungikhulule ekungabazekeni nasekungabazeni.

Ngokubambisana, sakhe ubuhlobo ebesibuphupha bobabili kodwa asibutholanga nomunye umuntu. Uthando lwethu lwakhula kalula.

Sobabili sabeka phambili izinjabulo zempilo - ukuhleka, umculo, ubuciko, ukudla, ucansi, ukuvakasha - futhi sabelana ngethemba elijabulisayo. Kwaphela iminyaka engu-4 1/2, singahlukaniseki. Sasimunye.

Emasontweni ambalwa ngaphambi kosuku lwakhe lokuzalwa lwama-31, ngenkathi echitha u-Eva Wonyaka Omusha ekhaya, ushone ngokuzumayo ngokuqhekeka kwe-aortic engatholakali. Wayengagulanga futhi engenandlela yokwazi ukuthi usizi lwalusondela enhliziyweni yakhe ebuthakathaka.

Impilo yami yashintsha unomphela lapho ngimthola engaphenduli, lapho ngithola ukuthi uthando lwami olungenamibandela ngaye lwalungeke lumsindise ekufeni.

Nganginesiqiniseko sokuthi ngithole impilo yami engapheli naye. Bese kuthi, ku-27, ngibe ngumfelokazi ngokuzumayo.

Ngobusuku obubodwa, ngilahlekelwe ukugcwala esikutholile ngokuhlanganisa izimpilo zethu. Ngangingashadile, ngedwa, futhi ingxenye yobuntu bami - ukuba ngumkakhe - kwase kuphelile. Ifulethi lethu lalizizwa lingenamuntu. Ngangingacabangi ngekusasa lami, njengoba manje ngabhekana nalo ngaphandle kwakhe.

Usizi lwami nokudabuka kwenhliziyo kwakubuhlungu ngokomzimba futhi kuphazamisa. Kuthathe izinyanga ukubuyela ekulaleni ubusuku bonke, nokude kakhulu ukukwenza usuku lonke ngaphandle kokundindizela onqenqemeni lwezinyembezi. Ngibuhlungu ngenxa yesizungu - ukulangazelela umuntu ebengingeke ngibe naye - futhi ngibuhlungu ukubanjwa nokududuzwa ngomunye umzimba. Ngilale nginqamulile embhedeni wethu, umzimba wami ufinyelela kowakhe ukuze asuse ukubanda ezinyaweni zami ezibandayo.

Njalo ekuseni kwakungathi umjaho webanga elide. Ngingaqhubeka kanjani ngaphandle kwakhe, futhi futhi?

Ukulangazelela ukuthintwa, ukubanjwa, ukwanga, ukududuzwa

Abantu abasempilweni yami bahlukile, futhi bangenza ngazizwa ngithandwa nhlangothi zonke. Ngakwazi ukuzijabulisa, ukuhleka, futhi ngizwe ukubonga ngempilo njengoba izinsuku zazihamba ngaphandle kwakhe. Kodwa akukho ukunakekelwa komngane okwakungathulisa isizungu sami.

Ngangifuna umuntu ozongibamba - induduzo engiyicelile kusukela ngisemncane futhi leyo umyeni wami ayethembisa ngayo nsuku zonke. Ngangizibuza ukuthi ubani futhi nini lapho ngizoyeka ukuzizwa nginesizungu kangaka, hlobo luni lomuntu onokwanelisa isidingo esithile esinjalo nesinganeliseki.

Isifiso sami sokuthintwa, ukwanga, ukuphululwa kufana nomlilo wasendle owawusha njalo ukhanya ngaphakathi kimi usuku nosuku oludlulayo.

Lapho nginesibindi sokutshela abangane bami ngokuphelelwa kwami ​​yithemba lokuthintwa, abanye bafanisa ubuhlungu bami nesikhathi sokuphila kwabo bengakashadi. Kepha ukungabi nalutho engangikuzwa ngokwazi uthando oluphelele nokulahlekelwa kwalo kwakunzima kakhulu.

Ukuba ngumfelokazi akufani nokuhlukana noma isehlukaniso. Mina nomyeni wami sahlukaniswa unomphela, ngaphandle kokuzikhethela, futhi ukufa kwakhe kwakungekho neze ulwelwesi lwesiliva.

Ngangingafuni ukuphola. Bengifuna umyeni wami. Futhi uma ngangingenakuba naye, ngangifuna ucansi nothando lomzimba ngaphandle kokwenza sengathi ngilungile.

Ngiphendukele kuzinhlelo zokusebenza zokuphola okokuqala ngqa ukuthola abalingani abafanelekile ukufeza izidingo zami. Kwaphela izinyanga eziyisithupha, ngimema uchungechunge lwabantu engingabazi endlini yami. Ngigweme ukudla kwakusihlwa neziphuzo, esikhundleni salokho ngiphakamisa uhlobo oluthile lokuhlangana. Ngibatshele imithetho yami, engikuthandayo, kanye nemibandela. Bengithembekile kubo ngesimo sami futhi bengingakulungeli ukuthandana okusha. Kube kubo ukunquma ukuthi bayakhululeka yini ngokulinganiselwa.

Nganginomuzwa wokuthi akukho engizokulahla. Ngangivele ngiphila iphupho lami elibi kakhulu, ngakho-ke kungani ungabi nesibindi emzamweni wami wokuthola injabulo nokufuna injabulo?

Ubulili enganginabo kulezo zinyanga zokuqala kwakungafani nokusondelana engangikubelana nomyeni wami, kodwa ngasebenzisa ukuzethemba engikuthole emshadweni wami ukuze ngikhuthaze ukuhlangana kwami.

Ngokungafani ne-hookups engenangqondo ngesikhathi sekolishi, ngangifaka ubulili obungejwayelekile futhi nginokuqonda okungcono kwalokho engikudinga ukwaneliseka. Ngikhulile ngokwengeziwe futhi ngihlome ngothando olungantengantengi ngomzimba wami, ubulili bunginikeza ukuphunyuka.

Ukuya ocansini kungenze ngazizwa ngiphila futhi kwangikhulula emcabangweni obuhlungu, wokujikeleza wokuthi impilo yami ngabe injani uma engafanga. Kunginike amandla futhi kwanginikeza umuzwa wokulawula.

Ingqondo yami yezwa ukukhululeka ngesikhukhula ngasinye se-oxytocin engangihlangabezana naso. Ukuthintwa kwanginika amandla kabusha okubhekana nobunzima bempilo yami yansuku zonke.

Ubulili njengethuluzi lokuzithanda nokuziphilisa

Ngangazi ukuthi abantu babezoba nobunzima bokuqonda indlela engisebenza ngayo. Isiko lethu alihlinzeki ngezibonelo eziningi zabesifazane abasebenzisa ucansi njengethuluzi lokuzithanda, ukuziphilisa, noma amandla. Ukugcwalisa ucansi ngaphandle kobuhlobo kunzima kubantu abaningi ukukuqonda.

Ngangingenamuntu engingacela kuye iseluleko sokuthi ngingakulungisa kanjani ukungahambisani nobulili bami kwihange okwakungumshado wami, kodwa ngazimisela ukuzenzela eyami indlela.

Ngikhumbule ukunakekela umyeni wami - ukumasaja, ngimkhuthaza ukuthi aqhubeke namaphupho akhe, alalele futhi ahleke izindaba zakhe. Ngikhumbule ukusebenzisa isikhathi sami, amandla ami namakhono ami ukumvulela, ukumenza azizwe ebalulekile, futhi enothisa impilo yakhe. Ngangizizwa ngiphana ngokunika amadoda amasha uhlobo lokuphathwa engangikupha umyeni wami, noma ngabe kwakuyihora kuphela.

Kwakungelula futhi ukujwayela impilo yodwa lapho ngangivakashelwa ngezikhathi ezithile ukungikhumbuza ngobuhle bami noma ukuqinisekisa ubulili bami.

Ngithole okujwayelekile okusha.

Ngemuva kwezinyanga ezimbalwa zokulala ocansini nokuxhumana okulinganiselwe, ngashintsha inkambo, ngadonsela kubalingani ebudlelwaneni be-polyamorous noma be-nonmonogamous.

Ngabesilisa abanezintombi noma amakhosikazi, ngithole ubulili obuhle kakhulu ngaphandle kokuncika. Inkampani yabo igcwalisa izidingo zami zomzimba ngenkathi ngisaqhubeka nokuqonda impilo yami nekusasa lami ngaphandle komyeni wami. Ukusetha kuhle, kubhekwa izimo zami, ngoba ngikwazi ukwakha ukwethembana kanye nengxoxo evulekile mayelana nocansi kanye nezifiso nalaba abalingani, okunzima ngezindawo zobusuku obubodwa.

Manje, unyaka nohhafu kusukela kushona umyeni wami, nami ngiyajola, hhayi nje ukumemela abantu efulethini lami. Kepha ukuphoxeka kudlula kude izinhlansi zethemba.

Ngihlala nginethemba lokuthi ngizothola umuntu engizohlanganyela naye ngempilo yami ngokugcwele. Ngivulekile ukuthola uthando kunoma iyiphi indawo, kunoma yimuphi umuntu. Lapho kufika isikhathi sokushintsha lempilo engajwayelekile ngenye efana naleyo engangiyabelana nomyeni wami, ngizokwenza kanjalo ngaphandle kokungabaza.

Okwamanje, ukufuna nokubeka phambili injabulo ekubeni ngumfelokazi, njengoba ngenzile emshadweni wami, kuzoqhubeka kungisize ngiphile.

Ufuna ukufunda izindaba eziningi ezivela kubantu abazulazula ngendlela ejwayelekile njengoba behlangabezana nezikhathi zosizi ezingalindelekile, ezishintsha impilo, futhi kwesinye isikhathi nezikhathi zokuhlukumezeka? Bheka uchungechunge oluphelele lapha.

U-Anjali Pinto ungumbhali nomthwebuli wezithombe eChicago. Izithombe nezindatshana zakhe zishicilelwe kwiThe New York Times, eChicago Magazine, eThe Washington Post, eHarper's Bazaar, eBitch Magazine, naseRolling Stone. Ngonyaka wokuqala ngemuva kokudlula ngokuzumayo komyeni kaPinto, uJacob Johnson, wabelana ngesithombe namagama-ncazo asezingeni elide Instagram nsuku zonke njengendlela yokuphulukisa. Ngokusengozini, ubuhlungu nenjabulo yakhe kwacebisa imibono yabantu abaningi yosizi.