Nakhu Okuthi Ubudlelwano bePolyamorous Empeleni Buyikho — nokuthi Buyini

-Delile

• Iyini incazelo ye-polyamorous?
• Ubudlelwano obuphambene relationship ubuhlobo obuvulekile
• Obunye ubudlelwano be-poly bun "isakhiwo" kanti abanye abanabo
• Abantu banoma ibuphi ubulili, ubulili, kanye nesimo sobudlelwane kungaba inqwaba
• Cha, ukuba yimbumba akuyona "inkambiso entsha"
• Ukuqomisana kwe-polyamorous akukhona nje ukuthi kuyabekwa
• Kodwa-ke, ubulili bungaba yingxenye yalo
• Ubudlelwano obupholile * abukho "bokuzibophezela
• Uma ufuna ukuzama ukuphola nge-polyamorous, udinga ukwenza ucwaningo lwakho
• Buyekeza kwe-

UBethany Meyers, uNico Tortorella, uJada Pinkett Smith, noJessamyn Stanley bonke bangama-AF amahle, osomabhizinisi be-badass abenza amagagasi ekuphakeleni kwakho kwezenhlalo. Kepha banenye into efanayo: Bonke bakhomba njenge-polyamorous.

Okwamanje kungenzeka ukuthi uke wezwa nge- "polyamory" kanye "nobudlelwano obunamandla." Kodwa uyazi ukuthi zisho ukuthini? Ngaphandle kokuthi ubuye ube yipolitiki, uStanely uthi mhlawumbe awukwenzi. Endabeni yakamuva ye-Instagram, uthe, "I-Polyamory idideka ngokufuna ukuya ocansini noma ukudinga ukuya ocansini nabantu abaningi abahlukene, okuyinto engekho ngempela." (Okuhlobene: Ungaba kanjani Nobudlelwano obunempilo be-Polyamorous)

Ngakho-ke buyini ubudlelwane be-polyamorousempeleni mayelana? Ukuze sithole, saxoxisana nabafundisi bezocansi abagxile ekuziphatheni okungahambi nomfazi oyedwa. Lapha, bachaza amandla e-polyamory futhi basuse eminye imibono eyiphutha ejwayelekile ezungezile.

Iyini incazelo ye-polyamorous?

Umngani wethu omkhulu uMerriam Webster uthi igama elithi "polyamory" lisho abantu ababambe iqhaza ebudlelwaneni bezothando obungaphezu koyedwa ngasikhathi. Ngenkathi ukuqala okulungile, abafundisi bezocansi kanye ne-polyamory bathi le ncazelo ilahlekile eyodwavv isakhi esibalulekile: imvume.

"IPolyamory iyisakhiwo sobudlelwano esihambisana nokuziphatha, ukwethembeka, futhi esivumelana ngaso sonke isikhathi esivumela ukuthi sihlanganyele ebudlelwaneni obuningi (obuningi), obunothando (obunothando)," kusho uthisha wezocansi ozinikele futhi nommeli ophathelene nobulili, uLateef Taylor. "Ingxenye yemvume lapha ibalulekile." Ngakho-ke nakuba kungase kube khona ubudlelwano obuseduze kanye/noma bocansi obenzeka ngesikhathi esisodwa, wonke umuntu (!!) ohililekile uyazi ukuthi lezi yizinto zobudlelwano ezikhona.

Qaphela: Uma ngabe wake waba sebudlelwaneni bomuntu oyedwa ozinikele futhi wakhohliswa noma wakhohliswa, yazi ukuthi lokhohhayi i-polyamory. "Ukukopela kungukuziphatha okungenzeka kunoma yiluphi uhlobo lobudlelwano ngoba kunanoma yiziphi izivumelwano noma imingcele yobudlelwano," kuchaza uthisha wezocansi kanye nesazi sokusebenza kwengqondo esinelayisense uLiz Powell, Psy.D., umbhali weUkwakha Ubudlelwano Ovulekile: Umhlahlandlela Wakho Wezandla Ekuguqukeni, ePolyamory, & Beyond.Ukuhumusha: Ukuzibiza nge- "poly" akuyona impendulo yamahhala yakho noma umlingani wakho wokuxhumana nanoma ngubani omfunayo.

Ubudlelwano obuphambene relationship ubuhlobo obuvulekile

Imigomo eminingi yobudlelwano engashadelwa yodwa ivame ukuhlangana futhi idideke. USarah Sloane, ofundisa ngocansi nobudlelwano, obefundisa amakilasi amathoyizi ocansi eGood Vibrations nasePleasure Chest kusukela ngo-2001, uchaza ukuthi ukuvumelana ngokungavumelani nomuntu oyedwa (kwesinye isikhathi kubizwa ngokuthi yi-non-monogamy ethical)konke kwalaba.

Mhlawumbe ulizwile igama elithi "queer" lichazwa njengegama lesambulela? USloane uthi "ukungavunyelwa ukuba ngumuntu oyedwa nokuba ngumfazi oyedwa kusebenza ngendlela efanayo futhi." Ngaphansi kwaleso sambulela kukhona ezinye izinhlobo zobudlelwano obungeyona indoda eyodwa, okuhlanganisa ubudlelwane be-polyamorous, kanye nokushwiba, ubudlelwano obuvulekile, ukuhlangana, nokuningi.

Ima, ngakho-ke uyini umehluko phakathi kobudlelwano be-polyamorous nobuvulekile? "Lamagama obuhlobo angasho izinto ezihluke kancane kubantu abahlukene," kuchaza uSloane. Nokho, imvamisa, “uma othile esebenzisa igama elithi ‘polyamorous,’ ulisebenzisa ukuze achaze ubudlelwano obuseduze ngokomzwelo nobothando, ngokuphambene nobulili nje,” usho kanje. Ubudlelwano obuvulekile, ngakolunye uhlangothi, buvame ukubandakanya ukuba nophathina oyedwa okunguyena omcindezela kakhulu/into yakho emnandi/umlingani wakho/uju lwakho, nabanye ozakwethu ~ocansini ~. Kalula nje, ngenkathi ubudlelwano obuvulekile nobudlelwano be-polyamorous bobabili kuyindlela yokuziphatha engeyona eyomuntu oyedwa, ubudlelwano be-polyamorous ngokuvamile bunegumbi lokuxhuma lokuxhuma okungaphezu kokukodwa kwemizwa. (Kuhlobene: Izinto ezi-6 Abantu Abangashadile Oyedwa Abangazifunda Ebudlelwaneni obuvulekile)

Khumbula nje: "Ukuze uthole ukuthi umuntu usho ukuthini uma ethi usebudlelwaneni be-polyamorous, mbuze, ngobakwenza sisho izinto ezahlukene kubantu abahlukene, "kusho uSloane.

Obunye ubudlelwano be-poly bun "isakhiwo" kanti abanye abanabo

Njengoba nje kungekho buhlobo bobabili bomfazi oyedwa obubukeka bufana, kanjalo nobudlelwano obubili besithembu. "Kunezindlela eziningi ezahlukahlukene zokuba nobudlelwano obusondelene nabantu abaningi, ngakho-ke kunezindlela eziningi kakhulu ubudlelwano be-polyamorous obungavela futhi bungadlala," kusho u-Amy Boyajian, oyi-CEO kanye nomsunguli obambisene neWild Flower, inhlalakahle yezocansi emisha kanye nabantu abadala isitolo.

U-Sloane uchaza ukuthi abanye abantu balandela isigaba sobudlelwano lapho ozakwethu babhekwa "njengabayinhloko," "isibili," "imfundo ephakeme," njalonjalo, ngokusekelwe ezingeni lokuzinikela elihilelekile. "Abanye ngeke basebenzise amalebula asemthethweni, kepha bazohlela 'ukubaluleka' kobudlelwano babo nokuthi bahlala nobani, banezingane, njll.," Usho kanje. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, abanye abantu bagwema "ukubeka" abantu ababaqomisayo futhi bahehe, kunezela uSloane.

Ukuthola uhlaka lobudlelwano (noma ukuntuleka kwalo) olukusebenzela kangcono kudinga ukuziqonda wena nokuthi yini oyidingayo ebuhlotsheni bakho, kusho uBoyajian. "Kudingeka ujule ucabange ngalokho okhululekile ngakho, yiziphi izidingo zakho, bese ukwazi ukuxhumana ngalezo zinto kubalingani bakho kanye nozakwethu ongase ube nabo."

Abantu banoma ibuphi ubulili, ubulili, kanye nesimo sobudlelwane kungaba inqwaba

"Noma ngubani okholelwa futhi ozibophezele ekubeni nobudlelwano bokuziphatha obungebona bodwa benkosikazi angahlola lesi sitayela sothando," kusho uTaylor.

I-BTW, futhi ungashadi futhi ukhombe njenge-poly. Ungaze ulale noma uthandane nomuntu oyedwa futhinamanje khomba njenge-poly. "Ukukhomba njengo-poly akusho wenanjalo ube nabalingani abaningi ngasikhathi sinye, "kusho uBoyajian," Kufana nokuba ne-pansexual. Usathanda ucansi noma ungajoli noma awulali namuntu njengamanje!" (Okuhlobene: Kusho Ukuthini Ngempela Ukuba Uketshezi Lobulili Noma Ukubona Njengongayena Umambambili)

Cha, ukuba yimbumba akuyona "inkambiso entsha"

I-Polyamory ingase ibonakale njengento ~zonke izingane ezipholile eziyenzayo~ kodwa inomlando ocebile. "Abantu bomdabu kanye nabantu abanesibindi bebelokhu bekwenza iminyaka eminingi," kusho uPowell. "Futhi uma sikubiza ngokuthi 'ukuthambekela', sisula umlando wabantu abahlukahlukene abebelokhu beziphethe ngokungahambi nomfazi oyedwa kulo lonke umlando, ngaphambi kokuba iNtshonalanga emhlophe iqale ukukwenza."

Pho kungani kubonakala sengathi yinto eyenziwa yiwo wonke umuntu ngokuzumayo? Okokuqala, khululeka. Akunjalowonke umuntu uyakwenza. Nakuba ucwaningo oluthile lwathola ukuthi cishe amaphesenti angu-21 abantu baseMelika baye bazama ukungewona umfazi oyedwa ngesikhathi esithile ekuphileni kwabo, omunye umthombo uthi amaphesenti amahlanu kuphela abantuokwamanje ebudlelwaneni obungenabomfazi oyedwa. Kodwa-ke, idatha yakamuva kakhulu okungenani ineminyaka emibili ubudala, ngakho-ke ochwepheshe bathi iphesentikungenzeka phakama kancane.

USloane uphinde anikeze owakhe umbono: “Njengomphakathi, singase sibe sendaweni lapho sinezingxoxo eziningi mayelana nokuthi yini ehlanganisa uthando nobudlelwano,” usho kanje. "Futhi izingxoxo eziningi esinazo mayelana ne-polyamory, abantu abaningi bayakwazi ukuzicabangela bona." (Okuhlobene: Isizathu Esimangalisayo Abesifazane Bafuna Isehlukaniso Kunabesilisa)

Ukuqomisana kwe-polyamorous akukhona nje ukuthi kuyabekwa

Kunombono oyiphutha wokuthi i-polyamory imayelana nesidingo noma isifiso sokuya ocansini nabantu abaningi, uStanley usanda kwabelana ngakho ku-Instagram. Kepha "ukwethembeka okukhulu kakhulu," wabhala.Njengoba uPowell echaza: "I-Polyamory ayiphathelene nobulili, imayelana nesifiso (noma umkhuba) sokufuna ukuba nobuhlobo bothando obuningi."

Eqinisweni, kwesinye isikhathi ucansi alukho etafuleni. Isibonelo, abantu abakhomba njenge-asexual (okusho ukuthi abanaso isifiso sokuya ocansini) bangaba ebudlelwaneni be-polyamorous, futhi, kusho uthisha wezocansi uDedeker Winston, umbhali weI-Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory. "Kubantu abangasexual, i-polyamorous ibavumela ukuba bahlakulele ubudlelwane obuseduze nokuzibophezela, ukusondelana, izindinganiso ezihlanganyelwe, kanye nokuhlangenwe nakho okwabiwe nomlingani noma abalingani, kuyilapho bevumela lowo mlingani ukuba abe ocansini."

Kodwa-ke, ubulili bungaba yingxenye yalo

"I-Polyamory imayelana nokuklama isitayela sobudlelwane obuhlosiwe esikusebenzelayo, ngakho ubulili bungaba umshayeli oyinhloko noma ingxenye nje," kusho uthisha wezocansi nomcwaningi wobulili u-Ren Grabert, M.Ed. (I-BTW: Uma ucabanga njalo ngama-poly = orgies ngaso sonke isikhathi, qagela futhi. Impela, ukuya ocansini kweqembu kwesinye isikhathi kungaba yingxenye yakho. Kepha akusona isici esichazayo sobudlelwano be-polyamorous.)

Futhi lapho ucansikuyinto ingxenye yayo, uBoyajian uthi ukuxhumana ngezindlela eziphathelene nocansi oluphephile nesimo se-STI kubalulekile. "Ngabe nisebenzisa ukuvikeleka nabalingani benu bonke? Ngabe iqembu lenu lihlangene lodwa ngakho-ke alisebenzisi imigoqo? Ngabe kufanele nivikele bonke abalingani kodwa munye, eniboshelwe kuye?" Le mininingwane kufanele kuvunyelwane ngayo ngaphambi kokuthi kuhlangane ucansi futhi kufanele kube ingxoxo eqhubekayo. (Nakhu ukuthi ungabuza kanjani umlingani wakho ukuthi bake baba nokuhlolwa kwe-STD.)

Ubudlelwano obupholile * abukho "bokuzibophezela

Kunombono oyiphutha wokuthi ukuba ne-polyamorous kufana nokuthi "kubi ekuzibophezeleni." Leyo yi-hogwash. Eqinisweni, uTaylor uthi i-poly idinga i-aithani ukuzinikela—kuwe kanye nakubantu obabonayo. "Cabanga ngakho: Ukuba nobudlelwano nabantu abaningi kudinga ukuzibophezela kubantu ojola nabo noma obabonayo futhi ubahloniphe nemingcele yobudlelwano bakho."

Eqinisweni, uma uqala ukuphola polyamorously ngokuqondilengoba unokwesaba ukuzibophezela, ubudlelwano bakho kungenzeka buphele, kusho uPowell. "Okuvamile ukwenzeka ukuthi abantu bagcina beletha ukuzibophezela kwabo-kanye nezinkinga eziza nakho-ebudlelwaneni obuningi, esikhundleni sobunye nje." Hawu.

Uma ufuna ukuzama ukuphola nge-polyamorous, udinga ukwenza ucwaningo lwakho

Mhlawumbe ubulokhu ufuna ukuhlola i-polyamory. Mhlawumbe okuthunyelwe kothando kuka-Stanely kozakwethu ngemva kwengozi yebhayisikili ("Ngizizwa ngijabule kakhulu*ngibonga kakhulu ozakwethu kanye nendlela abangibambe ngayo mina sodwa izolo ebusuku/namuhla ekuseni") kuvuse intshisekelo yakho. Noma mhlawumbe unelukuluku lokufuna inkomba yesikhathi esizayo. Noma ngabe yisiphi isizathu, uma wena — noma wena nozakwethu — nifuna ukuzama i-polyamory, kufanele nenze ucwaningo lwenu.

Kudos, lesi sihloko sibalulekile. Kodwa uma ukuempeleni ubheke ukuphola nge-polyamorous, akwanele. "Ukwenza ucwaningo ngobudlelwano obunamakhompiyutha, imingcele ngaphakathi kwalobo budlelwano, nokuthi yini oyifunayo kusuka ekuqomeni okunamandla kubalulekile," kusho uGrabert.

Ngalokho, ochwepheshe okukhulunywe nabo baneziphakamiso ezilandelayo:

• I-Multiamory Podcast
• Lapho Umuntu Omthandayo Enesiphulamthetho ngu-Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D.
• Ukwakha Ubudlelwano Ovulekile: Umhlahlandlela Wakho Wezandla Ekuguqukeni, ePolyamory, & BeyondnguLiz Powell, Psy.D.
• I-Ethical Slut: Umhlahlandlela Osebenzayo Ku-Polyamory, Ubudlelwano obuvulekile, kanye nezinye izinkululeko nguJanet W. Hardy noDossie Easton
• Ngaphezu Kwezimbili: Umhlahlandlela Wokuziphatha Komfazi Wodwa ngu-Franklin Veaux no-Eve Ricket
• Ibhulogi yePoly.Land
• Ibhulogi yeSoloPoly

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