Amafulegi Abomvu Angenzeka Ebudlelwaneni Odinga Ukukwazi Ngabo

-Delile

• Amafulegi Abomvu Angenzeka Ebudlelwaneni
• Bafuna ukuba nani nonke.
• Kubonakala sengathi azikhumbuli izinkumbulo ezijabulisayo zobudlelwano bakho nothando.
• Abazinakekeli uma benezinsizakusebenza.
• Uyekile ukuzibandakanya nezingxabano.
• Abazimisele ukuxhumana.
• Uyekile ukuya ocansini - futhi awukhulumi ngakho.
• Bahlala bekhuluma ngemali encane abanayo - kodwa bangabasebenzisi abakhulu.
• Okufanele Ukwenze Uma Uqaphela Ifulegi Elibomvu Ebudlelwaneni
• Buyekeza kwe-

Noma ngabe usebudlelwaneni obusafufusa noma obusungulwe kahle, abangane bakho abanezinhloso ezinhle, abavikelayo kanye namalungu omndeni bangashesha ukubiza "amafulegi abomvu" e-boo. Emehlweni abo, ukwenqaba kwakho ukugeza amashidi ngaphezu kwesisodwa ngenyanga noma ubunzima bomlingani wakho wokubamba umsebenzi kungaba yizimpawu ezisobala zokuthi udinga ukulahla konke nokuqeda ubudlelwano.

Kepha isimilo esithathwa njengamafulegi abomvu akufanele sithathwe ngokuzenzakalela njengezizathu zokwehlukana, kusho uRachel Wright, MA, LMFT, udokotela wezifo zengqondo, umshado onelayisense nomelaphi womndeni, nochwepheshe wezocansi nobudlelwano. "Ifulegi elibomvu lingaba [inkomba] into esanda kuvalwa - hhayi ifulegi elibomvu okufanele uligijime ngenye indlela," usho kanje. Eqinisweni, ifulegi elibomvu - noma lelo elizwakala linenkinga okwamanje - futhi lingaba yithuba lokukhula, kunezela uJess O'Reilly, Ph.D., isazi sezocansi esizinze eToronto futhi ophethe Ucansi noDkt Jess i-podcast. “Ungazisebenzisa ukuze usebenze kwezokuxhumana, ukuxhumana, noma ubudlelwano bubonke,” uyachaza. (I-FTR, izindlela zokuziphatha ezihlukumezayo nezimo akunjalo, kusho u-O'Reilly. Uma ukholelwa ukuthi ukubo budlelwane obuhlukumezayo noma ubona izimpawu ezijwayelekile zokuxwayisa - ezifana nozakwenu ekuvimbela ekuthatheni izinqumo zakho, ukulawula zonke izimali ngaphandle ukuxoxa, ukukusabisa, noma ukukucindezela ukuthi uye ocansini, usebenzise izidakamizwa, noma uphuze utshwala - thinta Inombolo Kazwelonke Yodlame Lwasekhaya ukuze uthole usizo.)

Ngaphezu kwalokho, umbono wawo wonke umuntu wokuthi yini efanele ifulegi elibomvu ebudlelwaneni uhlukile, kusho uWright. Isibonelo, umbono womuntu oyedwa wokumaka ifulegi elibomvu ungahluka kunowomuntu othambekele kakhulu, uyachaza. "Azikho emhlabeni wonke, futhi akunandaba ukuthi omunye umuntu ucabanga ukuthi ifulegi elibomvu uma kulungile kuwe."

Noma kunjalo, kunamafulegi abomvu ajwayelekile angaba yimbangela yokukhathazeka noma isizathu sokuhlola kabusha ubuhlobo bakho - hhayi nje abaseduze, abafana nezinganekwane uTaylor Swift acula ngabo. Kokubili u-Wright no-O'Reilly bayaqaphela ukuthi ungaqaphela amafulegi abomvu kunoma yiluphi uhlobo lobudlelwano, okuhlanganisa obunabangane, amalungu omndeni, osebenza nabo, nokuningi. Lapha, uWright no-O'Reilly babelana ngamafulegi abomvu ebudlelwaneni (ikakhulukazi obuthandana) okungakufanele ukubheka, futhi okubaluleke kakhulu, ukuthi yini okufanele uyenze uma ubona enye yazo. Spoiler: Musa ukuphonsa ithawula khona manjalo. (Okuhlobene: Ungabhekana Kanjani Nobungane Obuseceleni)

Amafulegi Abomvu Angenzeka Ebudlelwaneni

Bafuna ukuba nani nonke.

Uma umlingani wakho egxeka kakhulu abangani nomndeni wakho, ezama ukuhlukanisa phakathi kwakho nabangane bakho osondelene nabo, noma ezama ukukuhlukanisa nomphakathi wakho, ukuziphatha kwabo kungase kube imbangela yokukhathazeka, kusho u-O'Reilly. "Mhlawumbe basikisela ukuthi bakuthanda kakhulu nokuthi bazama ukukuvikela, [noma] mhlawumbe bathi ulunge kakhulu kunoma ngubani omunye," uyanezela. "Qaphela uzakwethu ongase akwazi ukulawula obheka imizamo yakhe yokukuhlukanisa njengalokho okubizwa ngokuthi uthando." Lezi zenzo zokuzihlukanisa zingaba ifulegi elibomvu elikhulu ebudlelwaneni, njengoba zingase zandulele ukuziphatha okungenzeka kube ukuhlukumeza phansi komgwaqo, njengokulawula lokho okwenziwa umlingani wakho, ambonayo futhi akhuluma naye, lapho eya khona - nokusebenzisa umona ukuze athethelele konke. . Wonke lawa amaqhinga uphathina ohlukumezayo angase awasebenzise ukuze agcine izisulu zabo zisebudlelwaneni, ngokusho kwe-National Domestic Violence Hotline. (I-BTW, leso yisibonakaliso esisodwa nje ongase ube ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi.)

Kubonakala sengathi azikhumbuli izinkumbulo ezijabulisayo zobudlelwano bakho nothando.

Lapho umlingani wakho ecabanga emuva esikhathini esijabulisayo esingakhishwa ngokuqondile ku-rom-com noma usuku olujabulisayo olufana nomshado wakho, ingabe ukhumbula ngothando noma ngomunyu noma ukudabuka? Uma lezo zinkumbulo ebezijabule ngaphambilini sezingcoliswe yibo, kungaba ifulegi elibomvu ukuthi okuthile akulungile ngokuphelele ebudlelwaneni. Isifiso sakho kungaba ukukubiza ngokushesha ukuthi sekuphelile, ikakhulukazi uma inhliziyo yakho ye-SO ibonakala ingasekho kuyo, kodwa okokuqala, "ungahle uthande ukukhuluma ngokuthi uzizwa kanjani ebudlelwaneni," kusho u-O ' U-Reilly. "Akusho ukuthi ubudlelwano buzophela, kepha kungadinga izindlela ezithile ezintsha (okusho ukwelashwa kwezithandani]."

Abazinakekeli uma benezinsizakusebenza.

Leli fulegi elibomvu elibonakalayo ebudlelwaneni kungaba uphawu lwe-S.O yakho. akazazi, kusho uWright. "Futhi leyo yinto engaqhamuka kamuva njengenye into ebonisiwe kanye nodaba lobudlelwano." Isinqumo sika-boo sakho sokweqa ukuqokwa kwabadokotela noma ukungabheki amazinyo njalo ebusuku kungakhombisa ukuthi abayazisi impilo yabo njengoba wenza - futhi uma lokho kungeyona into ozimisele ukuxoxa ngayo ngokukhululekile futhi uyamukele (noma ukuyekethisa), kungase kubangele ukucasukela umlingani wakho. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukungahlanzeki kwakhe kungase kube uphawu lokuthi unenkinga yengqondo. izindaba zezempilo, njengokucindezeleka, ngokusho kweNational Alliance on Mental Illness of Kenosha County. Ukuhumusha: Lokho okubizwa ngokuthi ifulegi elibomvu kungahle kungasho ukuthi kufanele nihlukane, kepha kunalokho qala ingxoxo ethembekile nabo nganoma yiziphi izinkinga zomuntu siqu abangase babhekane nazo. (Okuhlobene: Lindani, Ingabe Izifo Zezimbuzi Kanye Nezifo Zezinsini Kuyathathelwana Ngokuqabulana?!)

Uyekile ukuzibandakanya nezingxabano.

Kungase kubonakale sengathi akakaze axabane a kuhle into (futhi, kwezinye izimo, kungaba), kodwa ukugwema izingxabano ngoba uyeke ngokuphelele ukukhuluma ngezindaba ezibalulekile kungaba ifulegi elibomvu ebuhlotsheni, kusho u-O'Reilly. Ukuze unqume ukuthi ukuntuleka kwakho kwengxabano kungase kube yingxenye yenkinga enkulu yini, u-O'Reilly uphakamisa ukuthi uzibuze le mibuzo:

• Ngabe uyakugwema ukukhuluma ngezindaba ezibalulekile futhi uzivumele zikhule, noma umane ukhetha izimpi zakho bese uvumela izinto ezincane zishelele?
• Uyekile ukuzibandakanya ngoba ungasenandaba, noma umane wamukela ukuthi awukwazi ukuxazulula yonke inkinga?
• Ngabe usuyekile ukukhuluma ngezinkinga ezishubile ngoba ubona sengathi umlingani wakho akalaleli noma akawuthandi umbono wakho?

Khumbula nje, "umongo ubaluleke kakhulu, yingakho amafulegi abomvu angahlali ejwayelekile," uyanezela. Isibonelo, uma wena nozakwenu nixabene isonto lonke ngqo mayelana nendlela "engcono" yokulayisha umshini wokuwasha izitsha kodwa anikwazi ukuxazulula inkinga, ukulahla ukungavumelani, kubavumela ukuthi bahlele amapuleti angcolile ngendlela abafuna ngayo, futhi esikhundleni salokho bagxile ezintweni ezibaluleke ngempela (isb.izimali zakho, imfundo yakho, njll.) kungaba yinto enhle.

Abazimisele ukuxhumana.

Uma ubungeke uyivumele ishibilike lapho i-BFF yakho ikukhipha futhi ingayinaki imibhalo yakho izinsuku eziningi, kungani ungakubekezelela lokho ebudlelwaneni bakho bezothando? “Uma kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi ube nobudlelwano nomuntu okwaziyo ukukhuluma nawe, kodwa bavale umlomo bangakhulumisani, lokho kungaba ifulegi elibomvu elijwayelekile,” kusho uWright.

Isikhumbuzi: Noma ngabe umazi kangakanani umlingani wakho, awukwazi ukufunda imiqondo yabo, futhi ngaphandle kokukhulumisana okuvulelekile nangokuthembekile mayelana nezidingo, izidingo, nokulindelwe, ukungezwani okulimazayo kanye nokuphikisana kuya ngokuya kwenzeke. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ukukhulumisana okubi kuyisizathu esivame kakhulu esenza imibhangqwana ifune ukwelashwa futhi kulinganiselwa ukuthi kunomthelela omubi kakhulu ebudlelwaneni, ngokocwaningo olushicilelwe ku Ijenali Yomshado Nomndeni.

Uyekile ukuya ocansini - futhi awukhulumi ngakho.

Izinto zokuqala kuqala, kulungile impela ukubeka ikhefu emisebenzini yakho ephakathi kwamashidi, kusho u-O'Reilly. "Abanye abantu bayakujabulela ukuthatha ikhefu, kodwa kwabanye, kungumthombo wengxabano nengxabano," kuchaza yena. Uma wena nozakwenu niwela eqenjini lokugcina futhi nobabili nenza sengathi i-NBD, kungase kubangele ukucasuka okwamanje kanye nezinkinga ezansi komugqa, njengokungakwazi ukuba nokungqubuzana okunempilo. (Sebenzisa lawa macebiso ukuze ukhulume nomlingani wakho ngokufuna ucansi olwengeziwe.)

Bahlala bekhuluma ngemali encane abanayo - kodwa bangabasebenzisi abakhulu.

Leli fulegi elibomvu elingenzeka kubudlelwano konke kwehla ekuhlukaniseni phakathi kwalokhu okushiwo umlingani wakho nokuthi baziphatha kanjani. Kepha lapho uqala ukukuqaphela, kubalulekile ukubuka izenzo zabo ngozwela, kusho uWright. “Kungenzeka nje ukuthi lo muntu uzizwa enamahloni,” usho kanje. "Mhlawumbe basanda kukhokha isikweletu esikhulu sokwelashwa futhi bazizwa bengaphephile okwamanje. Asazi ukuthi kuqhubekani, yingakho ifulegi elibomvu kimi liyisimemo sokuba nengxoxo, hhayi isizathu sokubaleka. " Uma unaleyo ngxoxo futhi uthole ukuthi uzakwenu akanalo umqondo wokuphathwa kwezimali futhi engahleli ukuthatha izinyathelo ezidingekayo ukuze athuthukise indlela yakhe yokusebenzisa imali, ungase wazi ukuthi ubudlelwano abusibo obakho, uyanezela.

Okufanele Ukwenze Uma Uqaphela Ifulegi Elibomvu Ebudlelwaneni

Uma ungakayihlanganisi ndawonye okwamanje, akumele uphume ngomnyango okwesibili lapho ubona khona ifulegi elibomvu ebudlelwaneni bakho. Okokuqala, zibuze ukuthi uzizwa kanjani bese ucabanga ngakho: "Uzizwa kanjani ngokuziphatha kwabo? Yini oyifunayo? Ingabe lolu daba lubalulekile kuwe? Kungani lubalulekile?" kusho u-O'Reilly.

Ngemuva kwalokho, uma uzizwa uvikelekile futhi ukhululekile ukwenza kanjalo, mnike ngobumnene umlingani wakho ngendlela enothando, enomusa futhi enelukuluku - hhayi ukuphikisana, kusho uWright. Isibonelo, esikhundleni sokuthi uthi ngqo, "Awusoze wageza amazinyo akho ebusuku futhi lokho kuyangikhathaza," uWright usikisela ukuthi, "Ngizizwa nginovalo ngokuthi awuhlambi amazinyo ubusuku obuningi, ngoba lokho kusho ukuthini kimi ukuthi awukhathaleli wena, futhi ngifuna ukuba nengxoxo ngakho. Ungakujabulela lokho? '"(Funda nalokhu: Izeluleko Ezi-6 Zezimpikiswano Zobudlelwano Ezisempilweni (Nalezo Ezilimaza Kakhulu)

"Thembeka ngemizwa yakho esengozini - isb. Ukwesaba, ukungazethembi, ukudabuka," kunezela u-O'Reilly. "Ubudlelwano bungalungiswa ezimweni eziningi, kepha uma ufihla imizwa yakho eyiqiniso (isb. Ukuhoxa ukuze ugweme ukuzizwa usengozini), maningi amathuba okuthi wandise inkinga." Cabanga ngale ndlela: Uma ungamvumeli umlingani wakho azi kahle ukuthi ukungasho kwabo ukuxhumana kukwenza uzizwe kanjani nokuthi kungani kunjalo, kungenzeka ungabi sekhasini elifanayo mayelana nobukhulu benkinga - futhi ngaleyo ndlela unenkinga yokukuxazulula ngokugcwele.(Bheka futhi: Indlela Yokwakha Ukusondelana Nomlingani Wakho)

Ukusuka lapho, nobabili ninganquma ukuthi ifulegi elibomvu liyinto eningayinqoba noma niyiphathe ngokubambisana noma uma kuyinkomba yokuthi kudingeka niphinde nihlole ubuhlobo benu. Futhi uma ungakaqiniseki ngokuphelele, cabanga ukubona umeluleki oqeqeshiwe noma umelaphi ongakusiza ukubhekana nezinkinga, kusho u-O'Reilly. Akunandaba ngodaba, yazi ukuthi lezi zingxoxo kungenzeka zingabi lula - kepha kulungile. "Kungangakhululeki, futhi ukungakhululeki akusho okubi," kusho uWright. "Yile ndlela esikhula ngayo. Sikhula kuphela uma singakhululekile. Akuvamile ukuthi sikhule kusuka esimweni esikhona manje."

Buyekeza kwe-